I keep hearing that couples should have more than one child because it sucks being an only child. I had always assumed that this referred to the early years, when the child is small and wants someone around to play with.
Then, one friend who is an only child said that the most important reason for a couple to have a second kid is not for the early years, but for later on in life. That is, when the person is older, in their 30’s or 40’s, if they are an only child they are, to a degree, all alone in the world, especially after the parents die.
Having a sibling means having someone in the world that is always there for you. Of course there are spouses, but since 50% of marriages end up in divorce, a spouse will not always be there for you (or at least not as likely as a sibling).
Anyway, I’m not an only child, so I don’t know if what my friend said is correct.
What do you guys who are only children feel about this?
Yeah, well, speaking as an age 23 only child, be prepared for a generally less socialable kid, especially if he’s naturally introverted. Also, general problems with viewing things from other perspectives. You also feel like mom and dad are ganging up on you, and rely a lot on your friends. IF you get good friends, that’s great, but if you get bad friends, it’s a whole lot worse. Parents generally have less control over friends than they do siblings. Also, no big brother to look up to.
I also have no “backup system”, someone to call when I’m in deep shit and can’t rely on any of my friends.
On the bright side, I never had to share anything!
I was both. I had three siblings, but the nearest one to my age was 9 years older, so pretty much everyone was out of the house by the time I was 10. In addition, I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents (before kindergarten, I was with the grandparents all week, and the parents/siblings on the weekends; when I started school, that got reversed), who didn’t have any other kids around.
From my perspective, whether or not a kid has siblings is of little consequence in terms of whether or not he/she ends up well-adjusted. I see pros and cons either way. What I will say is this:
a) My parents had A LOT more free time and disposable income when they had one kid (me) in the house than they did when they had four kids in the house. So I got to be a spoiled little Princess. (To me, that would be a pro, but YMMV. ;-))
b) There are so many activities in which kids can be involved, practically from the womb, so if you’re concerned about socialization, there are lots of avenues for only children.
c) I have always thought it was a bad idea to have a child with the idea that one day the kid is going to be a caretaker (for a sibling or otherwise). My mother wonders who I’ll have to take care of me when I get old, if I don’t have children. I point out that there’s no guarantee the kid would even like me at that point, so I might go through all that effort and expense and be SOL anyway. And even if the kid adored me, he/she might not really be in a position to help.
Ditto everything here. The child is also more serious, and if the parents are bad, has a much harder time getting out from under the thumb because there’s no example. Also, I’ve noticed taking care of younger siblings matures one a lot, so that’s lacking.
My cousin was an only child. His wife called him “The King” because of the way he expected to be catered to, as he had been by my aunt, uncle, and grandmother (who lived with them). On the other hand, my other cousin, also an only child, grew up without that sense of entitlement. It depends on the people in the scenario.
I certainly hope that that’s the case, as MilliCal isn’t likely to get any siblings.
(I was one of a two-child family, myself.)
I don’t think my childhood development was impeded, nor did I really have a hard time as an only child. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on the sibling experience, but you can’t change what you’ve got, so what the hell.
My only concern is that when my parents get elderly, I won’t have siblings to take up the slack. On the one hand, what I say goes, on the other, I have to say!
I have never really minded being an only child, and I don’t mind it now (I’m 43). I really can’t say whether it is better or worse than having siblings because I obviously have no basis on which to compare. I do remember fleeting moments, though, as a teenager where I wished for a sibling since my mom had no one else to concentrate on but me and it was quite smothering at times. Of course, I wished for that sibling to be one that would get into real trouble and have anything I did seem not so bad by comparison - if I’d gotten a perfect one instead then I’m sure I would have wished to be an only child!
I’m very rarely lonely and I remember feeling very sorry for a guy I dated once who was one of 7 kids - he moved away for a year to do an internship and was very lonely living by himself - to the point where he didn’t enjoy his experience in a world-class city at all. I, on the other hand, couldn’t imagine the chaos of living with that many other people.
I have a friend who for some reason felt similarly to what’s mentioned in the OP - she has one child and really wanted another, but was having trouble getting pregnant. One of the biggest reasons she wanted a second child was to be a companion for the first. However, she and her brother are nothing like and hardly ever speak, and I reminded her of that. There’s no guarantee that siblings are going to love or even like each other. Sometimes it’s better if you get to choose the people you hang out with.
My parents are still alive, and I don’t know what it will be like when they die. I’m not afraid of it for myself, but I am worried about how the surviving parent will cope when the other dies, and I do worry about how I will handle it if they need some type of nursing care. They live about 500 miles away and I can’t quit work to take care of them, so not having any siblings to help out in that instance will definitely be difficult. My parents, of course, are stubborn as mules and refuse to make do any pre-planning for themselves should they need assistance, so that doesn’t help either.
I was the oldest of two. My brother is less than two years younger than me. I am still introverted, quiet, introspective and serious. My brother and I fought every day we lived under the same roof. He lives on the other side of the country. I have no real contact with him (saw him a few months ago for the first time in 5 years. We had nothing at all to say to one another, because we’re nothing alike).
As far as feeling like there’s too much pressure on you as an only child, my experience felt similar as the oldest. My parents practiced on their first born and all the rules relaxed for my brother.
Well, my baby will almost certainly be an only child. It’s debatable whether we can afford this child. We’d have to win the lottery to provide basic necessities for another.
I think that whether a child has a sense of entitlement depends almost entirely on how they’re raised. If you treat your child like s/he’s the centre of the universe, don’t be surprised when they think they are.
you know the expression, “you can’t pick your relatives!” … well it isn’t a Positive inference by any stretch of the imagination! How i wish, to this day, I had been an only child.
I wonder about this, too – for me and my energy level (and financial stability), I kind of like the idea of only having one child. But my brother and I didn’t get along when we were kids, and we’re so different now and live so far apart that we don’t really know each other now. Some of that may change as our lives get to similar places (I’m 27, married, own a home, etc., while he’s 24, single, just moved out of Mom & Dad’s after college, etc.), but I don’t know for sure.
In terms of the “spoiled only child” stereotype… I think that so much of “spoiling” a child is the attitude of the parents, and is not necessarily a function of money. I think one can easily spoil however many kids you have, and that you aren’t automatically going to spoil a child just because they have no siblings.
In addition to the reasons already mentioned, I have another reason for children to have siblings: having someone around to remember childhood with you, especially after the parents are gone. Even though we don’t know each other well, my brother and I can still play the, “Do you remember?” game together.
Only child here. The only time I missed having siblings was when my parents died. Otherwise, I was content being the sole heir to the Mercotan Megabux (In Italian Lira, I’m a Millionaire!!).
I was mildly to moderately introverted, but managed to have good friends, including a girlfriend, in high school. And while pretty narcissistic, I’ve met tons of kids with lots of sibs who are at least as, if not more, self-absorbed than myself.
I’ll say this with the caveat that the following is merely my experience and is not meant to be a sweeping stroke that applies to all only-children.
I grew up with 4 only-children as friends and, to this day, they are all selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, and untrustworthy. They all have redeeming qualities, of course, or they wouldn’t be my friends, but I remember starting to realize as early as Junior High School that they had tragic personality flaws that related directly to their status as only-children. Being around them all these years since then has only strengthened this belief.
I, for one, will be having more than one kid or none at all.
IMO, parent’s should have the number of children the have a desire for. I don’t think people should have a second child primarily to give their first child a sibling. I you desire another child and have the means, then go ahead and have one. If you don’t have that yearn for another child, don’t have one just because of convention.
I am a 45 year old only child , and I have to say , it has SUCKED my entire life .
My mother was an odd combination of unloving and overprotective , I was not allowed as a child to have friends come to the house or go to their houses . My only playmates were my dogs , and lonliness was a way of life for me . I never learned the ‘people skills’ that would have helped me out in later life , so to this day am shy and introverted , and largely without local friends .
I am right now in the middle of the horrid process of trying to take care of my father’s estate ; Mom died in 1999 , and Dad the 7th of this month . I have no one to help take some of the responsibility off my shoulders . I have never felt so alone in my life .
Had I chosen to have children , there is no way in hell I would have had an only child . I think it is highly unfair to put that burdon on a child .
Only child here; I never, EVER wanted a sibling. I like my space and solitude. I am really introverted, though. I can be quite sociable, but I don’t go out looking for people to talk to.
I was an only child till age eight, and while I like my sister fine, I don’t think her being there really impacts me that much. Because we grew up so far apart in age, we don’t have many common interests. We were never in the same school, didn’t have any common friends (aside from relative friends, who aren’t really friend-friends), didn’t go through the same developmental milestones together. We’re not good friends now. I don’t see us being very close when we’re older and our parents die, because of the age gap. Then again, because I never stole her boyfriend and she never stole my clothes or anything like that there’s not much of a chance that we’ll become estranged in the classic sense.
So I guess what I’m saying is that spacing is important, if you want your kid to reap all the benefits of having a sibling. My sister and I are essentially two half-only children. True, there’s no guarantee that two closely aged siblings will become friends, but it seems more likely than if there’s a large gap.
Only child. I was spoiled, but not irredeemably. I’m an introvert and a bookworm. It’s never really bothered me, although I do worry very occasionally about taking care of my parents in a few years (I’m 26, Dad’s… 74, I think, and Mom’s 61). I figure I’ve got a nice husband, a bunch of good friends, and a great extended family. Not lonely, not worried.
How on earth is this a given? I have a sister, but quite honestly I can’t imagine calling on her for support. I’m very independent, don’t like to share, and probably satisfy everyone’s worst stereotype of the only child. As it is, the only way I talk to her is through our parents. We don’t dislike each other, but we have nothing in common besides our genes. When we run into each other at the odd family gathering, we exchange pleasantries, but no more than I’d expect to exchange with a stranger as a matter of courtesy. I know many non-only-children who are in the same situation.
If you’re the parent of an only child, and you’re honestly concerned that your kid isn’t going to learn to share (or do whatever we are supposed to learn from our siblings), make an effort to socialize your child through school, play groups, whatever.
Just something parents-to-be should consider before adding more children to a crowded life.
