It’s people like you what causes unrest.
Aw, thanks sos. It’s always nice to know hear that sort of thing. It’s odd, though, that my handful of admirers appear to all be women, and quite a pity that I don’t fancy ladies.
I tried taking the high road and just telling her politely but firmly that it bothered me, and asked her not to do that next year. I told her I knew it was unintentional, but it was bothering me, as I’m sure it would bother her if I addressed stuff to her maiden name. Now I’m the most petty, childish, inflexible, snotty, presumptuous person who ever drew breath, and I’m singlehandedly responsible for ruining her Christmas. I’ve had every joke and offhanded comment for the last year and a half (all of which I’ve apologized for repeatedly) thrown back at me as evidence of my assholishness.
Eh, I knew it would be like this. She just made up with an inlaw she’s been feuding with for months, so it was bound to be something before Christmas. That whole side of the family is a pack of drama queens, and she’s the grand empress of the bunch. Every little thing anybody says to her turns into huge soap opera-esque affair. She’ll get over it in a while, then she’ll be all pissed at somebody else.
I’ve apologized for hurting her feelings by being honest about mine, but it’s really gotten to the point where I don’t much care if she accepts it. I’m tired of dealing with the bullshit, really.
I nowadays tend to avoid using Mr or Ms or Mrs whenever possible. Too many people get too uptight about this sort of thing (I weant to using Ms. for all females, but too many friends said that made them feel like they were being considered to be bitter old spinsters when they got anything addressed to Ms. ).
Oh god, I’m so happy to see it’s not just me! Every package and card i’ve received this year has been addressed to Mr. And Mrs Husband’s Last Name and it makes me batshit! I’ve been married for three years! I’ve never, ever used his last name! You’d think my mother would understand this. And of course, hubby doesn’t understand why it annoys me so much.
I’m amazed that no one has come up with the correct answer yet. Address it to “Mr. Hisfirst Hislast and Brandi” (assuming her name is not Brandi, of course). That should guarantee that a good time will be had by all. 
I think the technically correct answer to this is to write “Return to Sender: Addressee Unknown” on the unopened envelope and send it back. There is no one named Mrs. DrJ at your residence.
A logical response and it just might get your point through her thick skull.
I’d address it properly and enclose the torn up envelope that her card came in.
I’d just send it to Mr. CousinHusband LastName and leave her off the address completely. No need to insult her; just send it to the only responsible adult in the house.
Then don’t even give her any ammunition. I know it bothers you, but just try to ignore it. I think she’s just looking to get a rise out of you, since she’s the grand empress of drama queens.
Address the package to “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”, or “Mr. Smith & Family”, and sign it from “Dr. J and CrazyCatLady.”
She obviously knows that you didn’t change your name, and is just looking to stir the pot.
I know lots of people like that. Best to just ignore their prodding - they live for the drama and tension they create.
If you just ignore it she’ll keep doing what she’s doing and escalate to the next thing that annoys her about you that she views as being in need of modification.
Unless you want to ignore her – altogether, as in “you don’t exist for me” – I would not tolerate this.
Oh, this just takes the ever-lovin’ cake. I just got an email from her saying that her mom was sending me a card addressed the same way ('coz that’s how Al told her to do it), and asking me to please not lambast her mother for doing that. She’d like to think I wouldn’t hurt an innocent bystander, but then again, she’d thought I’d have enough class not to “verbally attack” someone trying to do something nice for me.
For one thing, I would never dream of doing anything that would hurt her mother’s feelings. Her mom is one of my favorite people in the whole world, and she would never deliberately do something she knew bothered me. For another thing, Judy doesn’t know that it bothers me, so she’s automatically exempt from ire on the subject. For yet another thing, I did not verbally attack her. I told her that I knew she didn’t mean it to come across as a passive-aggressive snipe (okay, so I lied), but that was how it made me feel. If that constitutes a verbal attack, I’d hate to see how she’d classify some of the stuff she wrote to me. I’m guessing it would count as a verbal nuclear warhead.
I went on and sent the package, since it contained stockings I’d promised her kids. There’s absolutely no reason to break a promise to a child because her mother is being a jackass, after all. I resisted temptation, and addressed it to the kids, since it’s primarily for them. Besides, the older one is old enough to get a kick out of getting mail that’s actually addressed to her.
I think it’s a basic right to be allowed to pick your own name and how you wished to be addressed. (Obviously within reason, it’s not an excuse to pick a name that’s intended to offend or embarrass others.) If someone deliberately continues to call you something else that you’ve already corrected, then that is plain rudeness. Either that or an attempt at a joke that’s long past being funny.
Equally, it’s a basic right for everyone else to think you’re a freak if you choose to go by a stupid name.
But I’d have no problem using ‘and wife’ on the OP’s envelope. Perhaps mis-spelling the name too. It’s not being childish or passive aggressive, it would only be that if you kept doing it. It’s a one-off that’s making a point.
I think you did the right thing by avoiding the whole situation and sending the package under the kid’s names. Your cousin is clearly some sort of freak and you’re probably better off trying to ignore her stupidity. Nothing I can think of doing would actually work, given her idiocy. If she were good-natured about it – really thinking that her being “traditional” meant she was allowed to call you by her preference, then a gentle turn-about – addressing her by her maidenname and excusing it with, “You know I’m not very traditional” – might have worked. But, she isn’t traditional, she’s just wacked. If I were you I’d use Tomndeb’s solution – addressing things to her husband and leaving her off the invitation completely (or maybe including her with the children as “& family”).
Oddly enough, I’ve had the same situation with my own cousin in reverse. You see, I really am traditional. Socially, I use my husband’s name – as in Mr & Mrs Hisfirstname Lastname. I’ve been married for 18 years and all of our social correspondence – christmas cards, birthday cards, thank younotes, etc. – has gone out under that name for the entire 18 years. My cousin had usually addressed us as “Hisfirstname & Myfirstname Lastname” with no honorifics, which was fine – until her wedding a few years ago. At her wedding shower, she announced that she “hated” the traditional construction and would be using “Mr. and Ms.” on her invitations. She was looking directly at me as she announced this. Willing enough to engage her, I offered that some of us on her list did prefer the traditional usage (I know that several of my aunts do, as does my own mother). She replied, “I don’t care. I’m the bride and I’m not having anything I don’t like at my wedding.” Okey-dokey, Bridzella. I rose above it, BTW, and did not address her wedding gift to “Mr & Mrs Histfirstname Lastname” but used her maiden name as she prefers. But I’m just better than her in general !
I believe we have a winner. I was telling a psychiatry resident friend of ours about the situation last night, and her only comment was to ask, “God, is she borderline or something?” It’s something I’ve wondered about from time to time, whether she might suffer from borderline personality disorder. At the very least she has a hystrionic personality (I’m not sure if that has a disorder associated with it or not, beyond “drama queen-itis” 
).
She sent me another email, saying that we were both pissed off, and were sniping at each other, so we’d take a few days off from the subject before our friendship ended over something so trivial. The thing is, I’m not pissed off. Annoyed at her insistence on getting her thrills at my expense, yes, and fed up with her flying of the handle and flinging insults the second I say something she doesn’t like, but I’m not angry.
I know what she thinks will happen, because I’ve watched this little drama play out too many times (and taken part in it a time or two myself, I’m ashamed to say.) Alarmed at the prospect of never again being screamed at and insulted for mentioning something that bothers me, I’m supposed to fall all over myself telling her how much I care about her and how important her friendship is to me. She’ll make a half-assed apology for the ugly comments she’s made, saying it was only because she was angry, then I’m supposed to fall all over myself apologizing for pissing her off.
I’m afraid that’s just not going to happen. I will NOT apologize for her being a jerk. I’ve already apologized for unintentionally upsetting her, and I’ve apologized one last time for stuff that I apologized for three times over a year ago. That’s it. She can bloody well take it or leave it. I’m not going to go through life cringing and apologizing all the time, whether I’ve done anything wrong or not, because I know what that does to a person. I watched it happen to my brother during his first marriage, and I flatly refuse to let that happen to me.
CrazyCatLady: You’re getting all worked up over a very petty issue. Really.
Relax. It’s Christmas. Take the highroad.
Going back to the OP:
In this day and age, I just can’t fathom that anyone would “disapprove” of what someone else does with their name, other than someone’s 90-year-old spinster aunt.
It’s not like keeping your maiden name after marriage is something new.
I’m a traditionalist, too, and was more than happy to take my husband’s name, but if someone wants to keep their maiden name, hey, that’s fine, too. Who cares? It’s not hurting anyone.
CrazyCatLady would only have to smack me once and say, “I didn’t change my name, moron!” and I’d get the message.
I would never smack you or call you a moron, bc. I might flatten my ears and hiss at you, but that’s as far as it would go, honest.
I’m not worked up, really. If I were worked up, her monitor would still smoking from my emails, trust me.
I’m just…tired, I guess. I’m tired of being called bitchy, inflexible, selfish, childish, petty and bitter every time I ask to stop doing something (she trotted out the exact same string of insults when I asked her to stop flooding my inbox with glurge 2 years ago, and she trotted that incident out as further evidence of my pettiness and self-importance) or when I don’t go out of my way to do something she wants me to do. I’m tired of having every little transgression stockpiled as ammunition for when it’s my turn in the doghouse. I’m tired of her never accepting responsibility for the things she says and does to other people. I’m tired of her blowing things out of proportion and carrying on these ridiculous feuds with everybody she knows. I’m tired of her escalating non-issues and then beating everyone over the head with her victimhood.
In short, I’m tired of dealing with her. I know that that’s just how she is, and you accept your friends for their bad points as well as the good. But accepting her bad points is so exhausting, and the good times are so few and far between these days, that it doesn’t really seem worth it. At the same time, I don’t feel good being the one to pull the plug, and I really don’t want our mutual family and friends beseiged with tales of how I’m such an evil bitch that I ended a 20-year friendship because she accidentally misaddressed an envelope.
It’s not about the damned envelope, really; it’s about me not being able to deal the constant drama any more.
I was going to join the people who said take the high road on this one. I also have my own name and Mr. Del has his own name (although I just now realized that on this message board, he has my name, hee), and I agree it’s very irksome that some people think they are making some sort of point by calling me Mrs. Mr. Del. However, life is too short to get too worked up about what people call me.
However, after reading the Further Adventures of A Drama Queen, I am sorely tempted to advise you to table this whole issue until the next time she brings it up, and then kindly dismiss it with a wave of your hand, saying *“That’s okay dear, I know it’s difficult for some people to remember more than one name. It’s not your fault you have a hard time keeping up with new information, and you shouldn’t feel inadequate because of it. Not everyone is reasonably bright, and I’m sure you have other strengths.” *
Or you know, don’t listen to me and take the high road.
Oh, gawd. She’s already been on about how I think she’s stupid; I’m not about to egg her on, delightful as your suggestion is del.
As far as I’m concerned, the whole relationship is tabled pending further response from her. There’s not much point in worrying about whether or not I want to continue the relationship if she decides my apologies aren’t acceptable and she’s never speaking to me again.
Sounds like she has a lot of power over you.