When my daughter was young and I worked full time we had a lot of casseroles at my house. One everyone liked which involved hash brown potatoes and hamburger tasted great but looked pretty crappy. My little smartini dubbed it “Dogfood”. One day in the grocery she yelled down the aisle to me, “Hey, mom, let’s have Dogfood for dinner tonight!” I just smiled at other shoppers with their mouths open.
:o
When she was older she made out our list one day. It was my turn to embarrass her when I looked at the list and called to her, “What are partyliners?” To this day we refer to pantyliners as partyliners. We like it, kind of fun to think of having a party in your pants.
Scottish teacher with a bunch of junior school kids. They have all been asked to write about what they want to be when they grow up. She looks over the shoulder of one little boy, but it’s hard to read his writing. “Ah,” says the teacher, “so when you grow up you want to be a carpet layer?” “Ach no,” comes the reply, “I want to be a corporate lawyer.”
True story and one of my favourite quotations. Joseph Heller, the genius novelist who wrote Catch-22, was being interviewed some 30 years after Catch-22 was first published. The interviewer asked him, “Do you regret the fact that in the thirty years since Catch-22, you haven’t written anything to match it?” “Not really,” replies Heller, “neither has anyone else”.
Magazine journalist is interviewing John Lennon, and he rather hesitantly approaches the delicate subject of Ringo’s technical excellence. Interviewer, “Do you think perhaps one could say Ringo was rather lucky to have been in the Beatles, given that he wasn’t exactly the best drummer in the world?” Lennon replies, “Let me tell you something. Ringo wasn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles.”
Two winos are walking down the street. They pass an alleyway and see a dog sitting their licking himself. One wino says “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other wino says “I don’t know… maybe you should pet him first.”
This isn’t a joke, but something my husband did yesterday. He drives an armoured car/truck on weekends. He and his partner take turns driving while the other one goes inside the different businesses to drop off or deliver the money.
He was in a grocery store and a woman approached him and told him to be careful because some guy had been robbing several of the area businesses and the only discription the police had was that he wears a dark cap.
Their next stop was at a clothing store. He had just picked up the bag of money and was heading toward the door, when out of the corner of his eye he saw a guy with a dark cap and a gun! So he did what he was trained to do and drew his gun and turned toward the guy.
It was a mirror.
The store was packed and everybody was looking at him like this. :eek:
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” But the little girl just keeps on playing.
“How come you’re not crying today,” asks the boy.
“My mother told me,” says the little girl, pulling up her dress, “that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want.”
Once upon a time, a penguin decided to leave the frozen climes and visit the South. As he was driving along one afternoon, steam began to pour from the hood of his car. Fortunately, he was able to get to a gas station, where a good Samaritan offered to help. As he began to check the engine, the penguin, unused to such heat, became terribly uncomfortable. Desperate to cool off, he headed inside and climbed inside the freezer and began to help himself to the frozen treats. After he cooled down, he paid for what he’d taken and went out to see about his car. As he approached, the good Samaritan said, “Well, I hate to tell you this, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” “Nah,” the penguin replied, wiping his beak, “It’s just ice cream!”
I was watching a little bit of Last Comic Standing, and they had an older lady named Grandma Lee on stage. She looked like trailer trash, but I guess that was the point. In the last part of her monologue, she said:
"I picked up my youngest from college the other day. When she got in the car, she said to me, ‘Mama, I got some news. I ain’t a virgin no more.’
“So I reared back and slapped the crap out of her. I told her, ‘You mean to tell me, we spent thousands of dollars for you to go to college and get an education and you still usin’ ain’t?’”
Two women who know each other are to be seated on either side of Calvin Coolidge one night at a state dinner. Knowing his taciturn nature, they make a bet to see who will be the first to get him to say three words.
So having sat through most of the dinner without getting Coolidge to utter a word, one of the women breaks down and finally says to him, “You know, I bet my friend there that I could get you to say three words tonight.”
Coolidge turns to her, and without missing a beat, replies, “You lose.”
Woman (to Winston Churchill): “You, sir, are horribly drunk.” Winston Churchill: And you, madam, are horribly ugly. The only difference is, I’ll be sober in the morning.
Andrew Carnegie, after receiving a tour of the mansion of Henry Clay Frick in New York City: “This is what God would do if he had the money.”
Winston Churchill was approached by a woman who said: If you were my husband I would poison you.
To which he replied: If I were your husband I would drink it.
Whom is it who has the joke about the guy taking the duck into the bar? I love that one.
Calvin Coolidge and his wife, Grace, were visiting a chicken farm. The farmer pointed out a prize rooster and proudly stated: “See that leghorn over there? He – how shall I put this – makes love 100 times each day.”
Blushing, Grace softly replied: “Tell that to Mr. Coolidge!”
Overhearing the exchange, Silent Cal inquired: “Same hen every time?”
2 guys are out playing golf one morning, and they’re about to tee off at the 4th hole. Alongside the fairway runs a highway and before they get a funeral parade passes. The one man removes his cap, places it over his heart and bows his head in silence. His buddy wants to get going and can’t understand this display.
“Chuck, what are you doing? I’ve never known you to be sentimental about anything!”
“Well, shit Bob, I was married to her for 27 years!!”
Supposedly Harry Truman was visiting some woman’s greenhouse and admiring her flowers. He began telling her the secret of growing good flowers was to be sure to add lots of manure - work the ground with manure, add manure when you plant, and keep adding more manure as the plant was growing.
After the President had moved on, the woman turned to Bess Truman and said, “It would be nice if you could ask your husband to call it fertilizer.”
Bess Truman looked back at the woman and said, “It took me thirty years to get him to call it manure.”
