As long as the dryers work, we’ll have an effective defense against the Cats…
As do I. But neither holds a candle to The Grizzly Bear vs. Ten Enraged Monkeys with Swords. Especially after the jetpacks were brought in.
Given how many insects are disease vectors, I think that with the insects, we’re toast. Mosquitos alone, acting with intent to infect us, could do considerable damage.
But any answer is going to require a certain amount of magical intelligence or ability to plan bestowed upon animals not really capable of such thought.
There was a Jonathan Carroll short story, “Friend’s Best Man”, in which all the animals rose up against humanity.
Are we talking about mass extinction of the human race? Because I don’t think that would happen. We’d be severely decimated, but not completely wiped out.
Yall are fixated on the insects. Yes, there’s a lot of them. But in really cold areas, the humans would be pretty safe against them, at least until the season changed. They’d surely have enough time to stock up on DDT and other insecticides. Their biggest foes would be larger animals. Sure, a polar bear will kill your ass. But it can only kill so many people at a time. A gun will take it out every time. Same with the walruses.
And also a lot of the insects would end up getting killed in the killing process. I’m thinking about bees, in particular. But also all those swarms that are supposed to be flying into people’s lungs. That’s suicide for them. You have to take that in account.
That said, the only way the humans could survive is if they managed to defend themselves long enough to stock up on supplies and find shelter strong enough to withstand the force of murderous elephant and rhinocerous stampedes, with a ventilation system that is impervious to insects. Or else find an underground bunker somewhere.
I’m afraid of what penguin FOD to the C-130s would look like.
Don’t underestimate the penguins.
We did this before: Animals vs. Man - who wins? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
I said then, and stand by it now, that we’d do fine IF we organized and retaliated. If we all just squealed like 8 year old girls & hid in our basements / under the bedcovers we’d be doomed.
*Now the animals have cars
They’re starting to run us over
Notches on the steering wheel
My pet is calling me Rover
Deers are hunting for humans
Seals keep crushing our heads
Animals betting on us at the track
My animal’s in my bed
It’s animal day…*
From Animal Day, Wall Of Voodoo, ‘Dark Continent’
Fluffy becomes McFluffy. Mmmmmmmm poodle tenders.
Well, but the mitochondria couldn’t turn on us without turning on themselves. The normal flora in our mouths and guts probably couldn’t, either.
I’m thinking of the dust mites, and the little mites that live in the shafts of your eyelashes. I wonder what their turning against us would do. And what would their attacks consist of? Refusing to eat our dead skin and sebum?
You’ve given me an awesome idea for a spinoff thread: take all the major groups of animals and put them in a free for all: mammals vs. reptiles/amphibians/avians vs. arthropods vs. etc. etc. But I don’t want to hijack this thread.
But this would be one hell of a catch-22 even if just the animals were organized. We’d either have to eradicate major players in the biosphere and screw up the ecosystem, or resign ourselves to be trampled, mauled, swarmed, etc. Isolating ourselves somehow would only prolong the problem, unless the madness was only temporary.
I also want to point out that if you are speculating on an ANIMAL uprising, you are limiting combatants to a specific group of eukaryotes. Bacteria, mitochondria, or any other prokaryote or archaean wouldn’t be involved either. If you wanted them to, you’d have to include the other eukaryotes like plants and fungi.
Whatever the case, I’m sure they’d happily consume the fallen. 
Am not.
Wait, I’m confused. Would Dick Cheney be for us or against us? 
And if the latter, how would that be different than what things are like at the moment?
Uh oh.
[Pvt. Frazer]‘We’re doomed, I say. Doomed’[/Pvt. Frazer]