My 88 year-old grandmother has been in assisted living for a couple of years now and loves it. This is also a facility with different levels of care - independent living, assisted living and a nursing home. We were all very nervous about this step as she valued her independence and hated being thought of as an “old person”, but she is incapable of living alone anymore and this felt like the best option. As my father and stepmother both work, even moving her into their home would require having someone come and be with her all day. Here, she has her own space, many friends at the facility, loves the food and even enjoys some of the day trips they all go on. The bathrooms are huge for wheelchair access, and the suites have a kitchenette with a sink and mini-fridge. It is a gorgeous facility - also expensive, I’m sure, but Medicare and her benefits as a Veteran’s widow help some. Good luck with this tough decision and feel free to PM me if you want any further details.
Wireless headphones!
And a personal stash of salsas, hot sauces, herbs and spices, etc, to juice up the food!
We’ve been arguing with my mother-in-law for the last two years over this, and losing the argument thus far. She’s a frail 73, needs knee surgery and foot surgeries desperately, and hasn’t had them since she has no clue on how to organize after care and her doctors offices don’t seem to be helping.
And she lives over a thousand miles away from us and categorically refuses to move here.
So rather than enjoy her retirement and get out from under the crushing responsibilities of a house that’s falling apart around her since she has zero skills or knowledge to maintain it, we’re just waiting for the tragedy to strike. It sucks.
My great aunt is 90, and the poster child for Assisted Living. She loves it, had not realized how isolated she had become until she moved out of the apartment she’d lived in for forty some years and into a much more communal living arrangement.
Technically, they weren’t looking at assisted living spots when she went in, but there was an opening, and they promised her she’d have first dibs on an indepedent apartment in the same center but when one opened up six month later, she was used to having her meals fixed for her and her laundry done.
Her hair turned curly a few weeks after she moved it–possibly due to no longer being malnourished. She’s gained about thirty pounds–the first half of that she needed, the other half, well, what’s it hurt at this point.
And it only costs three thousand a month, unless that’s just rent and there are other fees I wasn’t informed of. (Entirely likely).
Her mother hated the nursing home she was put in, and refused to cooperate with any activities. So personality can be a factor. Great grandma was put in a nursing home when her needs became more than her daughter could handle. I assume–I was a child then.
My grandmother (great aunt’s sister in law), is a horror story. She had some good years after the point when she threatened suicide, but there are days when one wonders whether it was a kindness keeping her alive as long as we did.
And my other grandmother had a fatal stroke rather than move into assisted living. But had had ten(ish) good years living in a community with other independent seniors.
He is with her now. He will never darken my door, he is dead to me.
BMalion, I don’t know how far afield you are looking, but my mom lived in Rockynol in Akron for the last 5-6 years of her life. It’s run by Ohio Presbyterian Retirement Services.
Mom started out in assisted living. She had dementia in addition to severe COPD, and I thought she got excellent care.
Alas, I can’t help you with other piece of it. Mom made the decision to move, looked at a handful of places and chose Rockynol herself.
Well once she’s happy to have alcoholic nerds from Ireland coming over to party once a year, I think this arrangement will work. 
But seriously, it’s a pity you can’t sort out your brother. Would a “fuck off and die” payment work?
Since you’re looking for advice, I’ll move this to our advice forum, IMHO.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
My family is kind of going through this with my grandma. She’s nearly 90 and doesn’t really have anyone to socialize with. She says she can take care of herself. My mom told me earlier this week that grandma might have changed her mind. We’ll see what happens. In addition to wanting her independence, I think part of the problem was that my grandma perceives it as my aunt’s idea. My grandma does not like my aunt for some reason. I just don’t want my grandma to feel forced into it and be unhappy, even though I know it might be best for her.
My grandmother is having this issue. She has been bounced around four places now since my grandfather died about 10 years ago. She’s 78 this year. She’s a sad unhappy woman…<sigh> what happened to my Oma?!
No one wanted her. First she was by herself but moved out to be closer to her daughters. Then she went with one aunt, then another, then a home, then back to aunt number one. All because of a hip issue…my aunt kept panicking that she would fall someday…and now she’s so frail and unhappy and broken that she can’t walk well at all.
I took her to Disneyland five years ago with my son. She was using a walker and for the park, a wheelchair. I’m so happy we went - that was her last vacation.
I volunteer at a nursing home/residence home once a week. The elderly can deteriorate really quickly, and depression is so high and suffocating…I hope if you do put her ‘in a home’, you do so in one that is in your 'hood.
When the time comes, mom or dad is living with me if it’s possible, and very close if it’s not. It’s the right thing to do imo.
No, he would spend it and then want another.
And she loves nerds, she loves me!
The father of a friend was blind; his mother, almost. She would keep a fire burning on the gas stove constantly and, in order to light another one, just open the second one and wait for the phwhomph.
Seeing that was what finally got his sisters to accept that yeah, maybe it was time to move Mom and Dad out of that (pre?)-medieval house where each room was on top of another, with the kitchen at the bottom and the 20th-century-added bathroom at the top.
Good luck BMalion. My mom is 87, can’t stand up without a walker and refuses to leave her house. My siblings and I have reconciled ourselves to the idea that one of us will have to find her body one day. One day, she says, she will consider getting help if she needs it. Sigh.
My advice is to start looking for places now, even if she refuses to have anything to do with the process. The whole elderly care system is complicated and if you wait until a hip is broken to start looking you could end with a shitty and expensive facility.
My Mom was in before she passed. There are some good people who work in the industry. When you visit, you’ll wish you visited more. The bad side is that Jewelry & stuff can get lost, be “given away”, or just walk. Fancy things you should store for her & bring when you visit (and take when you leave). Furnish her room not with heirlooms, but with practical easy to use stuff that wouldn’t be worth “borrowing”.
PS- Everyone assumes when I say that things ‘walk’ that I’m dissing staff, which is unfair. Other residents can get jealous of stuff and other people visit them also. And in our case, some of the stuff that “walked” ended up in the house of one of my sisters.
(Along with some signed blank checks & a new fully re-modelled subzero kitchen. :mad: )
Once we finally strong-armed my mom into assisted living, it worked out pretty darn well. Costs vary widely by location. Hers was about $3000 a month.
My husbands grandmother has been fighting this for the last couple of years, but his parents were finally able to convince her to try it in August. She’s gained several pounds and is finally getting the sores on her leg under control. She’s happier and healthier than she’s been in years but the change was still hard. She lived in the same home for over 50 years and even though she had to have help to get out of the house in the winter months she just coped by staying in and being isolated.
The doctor is on the same page as I, thank god. We have a social services evaluation and a geriatric assesment. I had a long talk with my mom this morning about moving in.
A friend of mine said something interesting to me after they moved her grandmother into assisted living: it’s easier to maintain friendships than to make them. If you move into assisted living when you are absolutely incapable of living alone, you are probably also at the point where you aren’t real capable of making new friends or otherwise adapting to your new environment. If, on the other hand, you move in 2-3 years before you absolutely have to, you are much more capable of actually settling in and establishing yourself–and those relationships you form will last up until you are probably totally unaware of anything. You want to move in early enough that by the time you die, you die at HOME.
Excellent point, MandaJo. My mom waited too late. She couldn’t see or hear well enough to interact well. The home offered lots that she just couldn’t benefit from.
I have my mother in assisted living. Physically she’s fine but she has real mental issues. Unfortunately I lost my job and her stay is only paid up till Jan 1st 2012. My siblings and I pay, along with her disability to keep her there. But she won’t be able to stay there anymore as I can’t chip in, and I was bearing the largest brunt of it.
So I have the exact opposite problem, avoiding telling my mother about having to leave and go back to a state hospital. That’s gonna be fun