I hope diabetes doesn’t run in his family.
I know, but all junkies and other type of addicts were kids once, too. I’m just hoping the OP treads lightly as their children may have additive personalities. If you force someone to give up their addiction, they may replace it with something worse.
My sister got me into it when we were about 13 and 14. I did it because, well, I’ve always liked a bargain. I would have NEVER stolen from individuals or a little mom and pop store or anything like that, but when it came to big impersonal stores I was just like fuck it, they’ll be okay.
Oh, then sometimes I stole because I was too embarrassed to buy the thing. When I was 13 I got caught stealing underwear, and after that, no more stealing. Except music I guess. I still steal that and I don’t care.
I shoplifted a lot from about 10 to 15. Mostly it was paperbacks, but occasionally it was candy, and occasionally Playboys. I wish I could give the OP a useful explanation, but the reality was these were just things I wasn’t going to get otherwise. I started working when I turned 15, and stopped doing it pretty much instantly.
I work in juvenile diversion, assigning penalties to teens, 95% of which are there for shoplifting. I’ve dealt with countless teens with this problem, for years. You are asking the wrong questions. You say you don’t want to be told what to do to them, but that’s exactly what you need.
The reason why they do it is simply because they want something and think they’ll get away with taking it. There is no more to it than that. We ask every single teen in diversion why they stole, and every single one says, “I don’t know, I just wanted it and I didn’t think I’d get caught.” Pure impulse of wanting something with no inner control or motivation NOT to. Most have the money to pay for what they stole, or could easily have gotten it. (A very few literally couldn’t have afforded it, but the thought process is still the same—wanting it + thinking they won’t get caught.) Unlike adults, they just don’t equate stealing with a strong enough punishment to deter them. That only comes with eventual emotional maturity and the certainty of consequences for their actions.
The ONLY thing that gets them to stop is to get punished - busted by the store/police and/or getting punished at home – swiftly and surely and strongly. Nothing else gets through to them the seriousness of what they’re doing. Until they’re old enough that the morality of what they’re doing sinks in, the knowledge of how awful the punishment is is pretty much all that works.
Examples of what parents have done that have been successful: grounding for at least 2 weeks or longer; no cell phone, video games, TV, or computer for 3 or more weeks; writing letters of apology; losing privileges like the above-mentioned vacation; being made to do hours and hours of yardwork or otherwise helping with physical labor; etc. On top of that, diversion assigns approx. 8-16 hours of community service – unfortunately, that takes place months after getting busted, so it’s not swift. But being reprimanded by a bunch of people not related to them also helps reinforce the seriousness of what they’ve done. On the plus side, 90% never re-offend.
It may sound harsh, but seriously, whatever you’ve done so far is absolutely not working: 0% effectiveness. You need to make it bad enough for them that they don’t do it again.
I say all this as a softie, myself – I don’t agree with many forms of discipline. But you need to get a handle on this right away. Understanding why they do it is pointless. The reason why they do it is simply because they want it and think they’ll get away with it.
Stealing from each other is a different matter, as they don’t see the harm in it as easily—the boundaries between siblings and their possessions is tenuous and flexible, in their eyes. Again, you’re going to have to be a lot tougher and punish them hard enough that they know not to do it again. I’d suggest taking away their cell phones, computers, TVs, and video games for at least a month, and ground them for whatever length of time you can tolerate.
Note: Just so you know, in many states, stores can charge a civil penalty against the shoplifter for hundreds of dollars above the cost of the merchandise, even if it was put right back on the shelf untouched. In my state, they can charge up to $650 plus the cost of the merchandise. Plus a $263 diversion fee. Depending on the cost of the merchandise, it can cost you nearly $1000, which your kids obviously aren’t going to be able to make good on.
Damn. A doper will slip a love of reading into any thread. Stealing, Murder, tentacle porn. Any thread.
I have a very addictive personality, and I think it has a lot to do with why I used to shoplift. It’s filling a void, plus a rush of adreneline, plus knowing that I was somehow more clever than everyone else because I never got caught.
When I was a tiny, tiny kid, I took a pack of gum from the store that had somehow fallen underneath the candy rack. I shared it with my friends and my sister was all like, How did YOU get gum?? (Precious, precious gum was not allowed in our house) She ratted on me, and mom took me back to the store so I could apologize and pay for the gum. But I honestly had thought that if the gum had fallen on the floor, no one needed to pay for it. (It all made send in my little brain at the time.)
I don’t think this incident had anything to do with why I started *deliberately *lifting many years later. But I think if the OP can get her kids to understand why shoplifting hurts people, that may help – maybe have the kids talk to a shop owner who can tell them his or her personal experiences with being stolen from?
I was too young to buy porno.
I stole when I was a kid, for pretty much the same reasons as **Anaamika **did…I was very tightly controlled, though not as tightly as she was. I did have some of my own money, but if I wanted to spend it, I was always supervised, and I had to get permission. Even if it was money that I’d made by babysitting. My mother used to send me to the grocery store, and if I bought some sort of candy or gum or anything, and brought it home, she’d get pissed at me. And she kept track of my money. So, I’d either steal at the grocery store, or at the little drugstore next to it, and hide the candy or book until I could enjoy it in private.
I quit stealing when I no longer had to get approval of what I bought, and how much I spent for it. I stole because I wanted stuff and couldn’t get it without being harassed about it. Once that stopped, I quit stealing. I ran away from home when I was 16, and when I called home, my parents said that they’d let me live with my grandparents if I came back. My grandparents were also controlling, but not nearly as bad as my parents were. I was allowed to buy things without question, within limits. That is, I could buy books, and clothes, and makeup, and such, without getting approval. I’m sure that if I came home with something outrageous, there would have been repercussions, but I was allowed to get normal teenage things. So I quit stealing.
Ha! I almost choked on my 10am vodka.
He’s probably thinking he’ll steal an ipad next.
Exactly this.
I shoplifted clothes, or would switch the tag on an item I wanted to a price I could afford.
I’m not explaining why I did it to excuse it. I know it was wrong.
But we lived in a wealthy school district and my mom had a drug problem and we were middle class at best before that. We were like, no food in the house, utilities disconnected poor. And all we got were hand-me-downs and if we asked for something else or mentioned getting teased for the way we looked, we got yelled at and called selfish. I had a job, but my mom would take whatever money I hid. And I felt like if I had the right clothes I wouldn’t be ostracized, and at least the school part of my life would be okay? It doesn’t work like that, but at the time I thought it did.
I stopped stealing when I was out on my own and could afford to buy myself clothes.
My brothers and I stole candy all the time when we were little, because we weren’t allowed it at home. It was simply a way to get something we wanted.
Once I started making my own money, around 11 or so, I didn’t steal anymore.
Then we moved when I was 16, and I was in a new place with no way to make money <I used to have quite the babysitting setup, plus paper routes; none of that was available where we moved> and I started stealing makeup, 'cause I wanted some.
Well, I got busted. Arrested. Was under 18, but still had to pay like 500 dollars. Rather, my parents did, and I actually got a job a month later FINALLY. I’d been looking for 6 months.
The funniest things about it? 1. The only reason I was even in the Payless was because we got let out of school an hour early for some reason, and I never had time to myself, so I used it to windowshop. While window-shopping…yeah. One bottle of makeup and a candy bar <for old times sake, I guess, wtf> And…here’s the messed up part…I freaked out, and went around putting them BACK. Got one thing back, went to put the candy bar back but I passed the outside door and decided to just leave. And got busted, of course. Poor detective tried to help me out, but without even a single penny in my pocket, I couldn’t prove I had gone in there to buy something, so…I must have gone in to steal something. Which wasn’t true; it was just a hodgepodge of circumstance and opportunity.
So I paid my folks back. But it’s still on my record, somewhere. Yeah yeah, expunged at 18, whatever. It would still cause problems in any kind of security position.
I was a part of the stealing of Playboys and fireworks, mostly because we weren’t allowed to buy them legitimately.
There was one time though that a friend of mine and I were in a store that seemed to have nobody there at all. We searched and shouted for an employee, but no body answered.
We left with a few arm-loads of things and never returned. I abhor stealing to this day, but I can still see why I did it then. That doesn’t mean I endorse it though.
Taking something from a store is very different from robbery or burglary though. The latter two would have been out of the question, while the former was more of a naughty thing to do. We of course decided to cut that shit out entirely.
I used to steal money from my mother’s wallet because I was desperately unhappy where we lived so I thought it fair enough that she pay me for having to be there. She found out and asked me why but I didn’t have the courage to tell her that, so I just said I didn’t know. I didn’t steal from her again after she faced me about it but I still hated them for making us live where we did. And it was harder without the money for little things like sweets or books.
I’ll admit, it was at least partly to fill a void in those days. but, once the voice was filled, I stopped. I don’t have an addictive personality and these days am addicted to nothing (ok maybe coffee).
From about 15-17 I went through a major shop lifting phase. It started because I couldn’t legally buy smokes, so the only way I had to get them was stealing (they were on the counter and in open displays back then).
I did it so often (one or two packs a day) that it became easy and second nature. Like an extra power or talent. So I started shop lifting anything I wanted or needed, cartons of smokes, a gallon of ice cream, shirts and clothes, etc.
Then I got busted stealing beef jerky from a grocery store. It was very embarressing, the police came, my dad had to pick me up, and the disappointment on his face was rough to see. And then I never did it again. At first I thought I would go back to it, but I couldn’t, as soon as I walked into a store I got nervous and felt like everyone was watching me… 15+ years later and I still get nervous in stores from time to time!
They have to be caught by an authority figure that’s actually going to do something about it.
I wanted candy and I knew my parents would not buy it for me - I was too young to work. When I got caught and had to face both my parents and the store owner it sunk in that I was in trouble. Have not stolen more than taking home pens from work, and that is mainly absentmindedness.