How do you cope? How do you get him to STOP? I’m moving more and more to my wits end and he’s only seven and a half.
Mostly it’s been small things, and I dealt with them. He’s had to return items (other kids), pay for them (the corner store and only found out when the tic tac box was found in a pocket after we got home), do extra chores to pay back people (mom), lost privileges, has been made aware he is not trusted in someone’s house and lost dog play privileges (my best friend and neighbour) and forced me to put a lock on my bedroom and lock up everything of any sort of value to me as well as anything that can be construed as a weapon (he’s been suspended for a few days once for bringing a knife to school, one he took from my room which I had even forgotten about and had tucked away pretty well).
I’ve instituted an allowance, he has spending money now to buy gum or pizza or to give to the little kids in Africa (he always wants money for the last two and has stolen money from my Mom’s wallet before, which he has been forced to pay back by doing extra chores) he knows it’s WRONG…
And today I get home from work to find Mom had found $300 in his bag, which he tells me he stole from my aunt who left her purse out when we were visiting this past weekend for a wedding.
Why? He claims pizza money. Me, I don’t care anymore what excuse he wants to give me I just want him to stop coming home with items because if it keeps up he’s going to be swiftly banned from all other people’s houses and eventually end up in jail and a very lonely fucked up person which I really don’t want.
I do my damnedest to be consistent, we have in home supports, we deal with the school (and a bitch of a psychologist who claimed to my face that it’s my fault he’s emotionally delayed, that he isn’t perfectly coordinated and if I don’t put him on drugs right this instant he’s going to be a dropout and end up in jail… He’s SEVEN lady, I’m doing my best here and I’d like to have your fucking crystal ball) and a pediatrician and I’m lost. He does good for awhile and then BOOM! It’s like a fucking bus comes from nowhere and slams into me yet again because he’s been good and we keep reinforcing and reinforcing and then I get a call either while at work or I’m leaving work and call to say I’m on my way home and again the dreaded words ‘Guess what your son did today?’
So I guess this has turned into more of a vent than anything, I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out and trying to figure the next step.
I wish I had some solid advice for you. My sister was the same way as a kid. She’s now 41 fucking years old, and she still pulls that crap. I’ll be interested to see what other people say. My parents tried everything: punishment, professional counseling, on and on…after some of our wedding gifts went missing at a point during which she was the only person who had uninterrupted access to them, I decided fuck it, she’s not allowed in our house anymore. I hate to have to say that I can’t trust my sister, but I am at wits’ end.
I will say that with my sister, it happens more often when she’s feeling ignored or angry with someone in the family. Is there some dynamic like that going on here? She always denies it, even when caught red-handed. It’s infuriating.
I’m sorry to hear this. Compulsive stealing is not part of ADHD, though.
I think you need to crack down and be especially strict. He’s a thief? Treat him like one. People get a ‘high’ from stealing - it’s sort of like an addiction. Your son needs to 1.) Understand it’s wrong (which he probably does) 2.) Identify why he does it and 3.) Agree that it needs to be stopped.
My son went through a phase, but he only stole from me. It was mostly food, which was weird, since he’s never hungry or whatever. He’d also ‘borrow’ things from my desk and room. It was a disrespect for other people’s property more than anything.
I started treating him like a baby. He couldn’t be unsupervised. He hated it. When something went missing, I asked him to find it - even if I was the one who lost it.
He stopped after three weeks.
This won’t work the same way for your son, but you do need to take precautions.
That’s a possibility Eva, but there only so much I can do attention-wise too. I’m a single parent who has to work, I live with my mom who has some health problems and she looks after him when he’s not in school. He plays with the kids across the road. I do stuff with him, we go do things (zoo, park, bike riding, walks) as well as just chill at home, read, play together, bake and garden sometimes (he loves to make bread and having fresh vegetables we grew ourselves) but I’m not always up for it neither is my mom. He’s also way WAY more extroverted than I am/ever was so I’m trying to move past my own introverted nature just to keep up with him.
And if it was just that days attention, well he got tons of attention the night before at the wedding since he was the youngest one there and spent hours chatting and goofing around with people ( as well as me, and my boyfriend) at the reception.
He’s a good kid, but the impulsiveness is there. He’ll go for weeks with nothing but the usual stupid kid crap, I get glowing reports from his teacher (until stuff goes down) he is on meds now (no thanks to the school psychologist) and is a lot more emotionally stable but it seems like we can’t quite get a handle on the impulsive ‘I want!’ and so he takes thing.
I plan to start going to the ADHD support group at the local children’s hospital but they meet once a month and I just missed the last one. I only just found out about it, and am amazed no one out of the people who are supposed to help me find things/supports to help ever mentioned it (I only just thought of searching one out myself, and been given reams of reading and resources for info from various people and they completely missed there is a group to meet and discuss and support? I’ll be bringing that one up).
It’s frustrating, I’m at least calmer now than when I wrote the OP. That was partially me dealing with the frustration and emotional aftermath of not beating him like my father would have me or my bro had we done that.
CitizenPained, I realize they don’t go together necessarily but the impulsiveness doesn’t help it either and that ties straight back to the ADHD. I’m looking for anyone who has experienced things like this, or has ideas to help cope. Hell, maybe some of the ADHD posters on the board might have some insight from the perspective of the one who had similar issues. I do my best to take precautions but I didn’t think my aunt would leave her purse open with $300 dollars sitting in it either.
You’ve done every reasonable that a parent can do, IMHO. That means it’s time to call in some expert help. Forget the school psychologist - you need to find someone you and your son both like and trust. Do you have insurance? They can help you find a mental health provider in your area.
And if you go through more than 3 or 4 and they’re all pissing you off because they say the same thing, then you need to consider if what they’re telling you is something you should be listening to. Sometimes the truth makes us pissy. I’m not saying that’s the case now, just remain aware of your reactions and see if a pattern develops.
Oh, I’m not at all suggesting that you are in any way at fault - he needs to learn that he can’t be the center of attention 24/7 anyway! Just a thought about one dynamic that might be at play here.
A school psychiatrist is not supposed to be telling you to drug your kid. That said, impulsiveness can be very difficult for your average 7 year old to manage and when you add ADHD it can be almost impossible. This is also an age there is so much going on in school that can be very difficult to make up and you can wind up with academic delays that will follow him. You may want to reconsider the meds or at least talk to your pediatrician.
Understand, the drugs don’t take the place of the consistent rules you are already doing, and those are the hard part. The problem is that for people with ADD or ADHD their brain is just going so fast they have acted long before the consequences are thought about. They don’t want to be bad, they want to drive away the other kids their age. They just can’t wait that split second to think about something. For many kids the drugs can provide them with that second to think. If you can get a handle on it before he has convinced himself that he is bad and stupid you will save him a lot of heartache (and you too).
My daughter was only on the meds for three years and at a fairly low dose, but one day I realized I hadn’t corrected her in hours, when it had been a constant almost litany of Furlikid don’t, Furlikid Don’t. Dont climb on the back of the restaurant booth don’t chase the cat, don’t grab people, don’t don’t don’t. She became a reader, and most importantly it gave her the understanding of the feeling of being in control. She was able to make friends during that time. Before then she was just too chaotic and the other kids shied away. I got crap from the anti drug crowd (There is no win either way) but it worked for my kid. She still struggles with organization and sometimes her grades are pretty bad but she reads and writes far beyond grade level in two languages and tests pretty well in math and science as well. She has been off the meds now for a few years and is no more impulsive than your average 17 yo.
Some people have had good luck with a diet that removes all artificial colors and flavoring. That is one route that may help without trying the drugs. Not enough sleep can exacerbate attention deficits
Right, but attention deficit hasn’t much to do with stealing. Unless your child is MMR/MR, this should be treated as a separate issue while recognizing that one situation could make the other worse.
When I say “precautions”, I mean precautions. Don’t leave the purse out – not that this is your aunt’s fault! But I mean lock up things, don’t let him out of your sight when at the store/other people’s houses, put a lock on the door. Let him know you take it seriously.
Usually with children, they steal for a reason. But if your child has actual kleptomania (and I don’t even know if it can be diagnosed in childhood), then it really needs to be taken as seriously as a child who loves candy but is a diabetic.
The school psychologist may have suggested meds as that’s usually used when treating such disorders.
I wish I had advice for you, but nothing stopped my son until he decided he wanted to. No consequences, no police involvement, nothing. Couselling, nothing. It went on from about age six until about age 14.
It’s part of the reason he’s iin boarding school. And doing really well there, and not stealing. But that’s not what stopped him.
I wish I could have better advice. It’s awful. I’m so sorry.
Well, being overweight can be related to diabetes but it’s not part of being diabetic.
What I was trying to say is that this compulsive stealing the child is exhibiting sounds like a much bigger issue than just being impulsive. An ADHD child that swipes his sister’s cookie or steals on occasion is different than an ADHD child who is apparently a walking lawsuit.
I’m thinking of looking into the psychologist WhyNot. Another thing to do. I’m hoping to find out what sort of stuff they have at/through the children’s hospital. I know they have supports through them also as my brother (who was/is also ADHD) had supports through there. Mom doesn’t remember who she dealt with though (it was awhile ago) so I’m starting fresh.
And as to the meds, he is on them, it was no thanks to the school psychologist because the way she said it made me want to dig in my heels and go NO EFFIN WAY! In one of her reports she even put down that I had refused to consider medication. Thing is, at the time it was first suggested all the info I had from the school and daycare (this was the first visit to the pediatrician) was that he was doing good, had been settling in at school, getting along a helluva lot better than he had in kindergarten… So why would I think he really needed medication at that time? They then sat me down after the first appointment and basically told me he’s good as a gang member school drop out (and she really did say that, I was so stunned and I think the teacher may have been to. I was also told by the in home support worker that some of her other clients/coworkers had made/received complaints about her making such comments. I should have made an official complaint but I didn’t think of it.). But I did some research and talked to the pediatrician and he is on a low dose now which, as I said, has made a noticeable difference in that he’s less impulsive and less emotionally roller coaster (much less emotionally, he’s a lot easier to live with now but still the loving fun kid he is).
It’s just so hard and frustrating when I’m doing my best here and sometimes the people who are supposed to help instead seem to be wanting to make it the blame game. I don’t think such a change in routine helped him either, now I’m second guessing even having gone to my favorite cousin’s wedding.
Listen, I’m not saying the school psych isn’t a jerk, but if he/she wrote the medication bit, it’s kind of standard. I know you don’t see your son as being ‘as bad as a gang member’, but remember that those gang members are kids, too. To the school, your child appears as one who detracts from another’s educational experience.
It’s not your fault, but as a parent, you have to deal with it and try to do the right thing. I wish you all the best of luck. As far as the school is concerned, try to have ‘a conversation’ about the issues instead of a debate. He is there 6.5 hours a day.
I have some mom friends who have kids with ADHD and they get frustrated with teachers and staff as well, because they forget that the staff has tons of other kids to deal with simultaneously. So while you may have one, two, or three kids at home, they are in charge of up to 40 at a time. And teachers forget that parents are the decision-makers!
As a teacher, I can tell you that I’d much rather have a bad-attitude gang member in my class (and I’ve had 'em) than a hyperactive klepto. It’s not because one is ‘better’ than the other in terms of moral scruples, but because in terms of overall classroom management, the former is slightly easier to deal with.
Your child could steal from the wrong person someday. The school shrink was probably speaking as one who has seen ADHD become something much much worse…and he/she was probably judging you as well, because let’s face it, it’s really easy to judge a parent when there’s a ‘problem child’.
Rarely does a child steal ‘just because they don’t have the cash’. He’s at the age where he knows right from wrong, and you need to figure out why he’s stealing before you can figure out how to prevent it long-term. Hopefully a psychologist (or psychiatrist) can help.
I do, believe me I do. He’s not alone in other people’s houses (usually), we watch him like a hawk in the store, my door is locked and moms can’t lock (rental, the door won’t latch properly unless I figure out how to rehang it, or maybe redo the jamb somehow) so she watches it all the time if he is home and awake. If I even suspect he’s taken something when we are out I check his pockets.
It just so happened that he slept in my crazy aunts room (the only other extra room) and she left her purse lying open on the floor.
The last incident like this was actually months ago. March sometime, because he took money from moms change purse and put it in the thing for starving kids in Africa that they have at the school (a noble cause but as I told him he should use his OWN money, the allowance he gets, not someone else’s money…) and he had to shovel the driveway to pay her back.
It sure as hell is not standard. At most they are allowed to strongly suggest that parents look into the meds and before doing that she maybe should actually, you know, ask if the kid is already being medicated. The school can suggest that the student be put in a more restricted learning placement if he is unable to get a hold of himself but that is an IEP team decision.
Flutterby, if this was the first time in a while it was a back slip. Punish and move on. If you treat him as a thief for any extended time that will become what he believes about himself. That is far harder to deal with.
Well, on the bright side, with behavior like this, it sounds like he has a bright future as a high powered Wall St. Investment Banker. (Didn’t good ol’ Bernie Madoff give tens of millions of dollars to various charities? Of course the money was all other people’s, but it’s the thought that counts)
I am just kidding, and I do realize that this is NOT a laughing matter to you and your family—Stealing $300 is pretty serious, and I wonder if a bit of shaming might be appropriate.
Have the great aunt that he stole from over to the house and have her tell him how it made her feel when she found out that her little nephew, who she loves very much, stole the money that she was going to buy groceries with.
I know that it seems to have gone out of fashion, but a little bit of shame and humiliation may be a strong deterrent, especially for a young, impressionable child of 7.
As for suggestions, look into the Feingold diet. For a long time he was considered a quack but recent studies show that he may have been onto something. Mostly it involves removing artificial coloring and flavoring from someone’s diet. It worked wonder’s for my sister, and it can’t really hurt anything to get rid of all that processed stuff.
Another thing to look into is some form of marshal arts. That discipline over long periods can be extremely useful to those with ADHD, not to mention burning some energy.
Oh, of course he did. Do you really believe that crap? Do you have any way of verifying that he’s actually donating to starving kids in Africa? Because it sounds to me like he’s got you wrapped around his finger and has figured out a way to lie to make his behavior seem not as bad.
$300 is a hell of a lot of money for a 7-year-old to steal. I think you’re being way too easy on him, and your school psychologist is probably dead on in her assessment, however much that possibility may upset you. And the punishments you’ve mentioned sound absolutely tame. “Made aware that he is not trusted?” Oooh, I bet he was devastated. “Lost privileges?” Like what, no TV that evening or something? “Had to give back what he took/had to pay for a tic-tac box.” Oh man, how terrible for him. “I had to put locks on my door” - this affects him how?
Nothing you’ve described sounds like appropriate punishment for the severity of what he’s doing. Hell, only one of these sounds like punishment at all!
My suggestion? Every time he steals, he has to give back what he stole (he doesn’t get to fucking keep it just by paying for it or “making up for it”), plus something of his own of equal value (that you choose). When he complains that his favorite toy was “reverse stolen”, tell him this is how his victims feel when he steals from them.
It sounds like you are a great, loving, supportive parent, but you cannot curb this behavior by trying to be gentle with him. If the punishment for stealing is simply to return the item or do whatever “chores” would be required to get the item in the first place, his default action is going to be to try to steal the item first and hope he gets away with it. If he gets caught, he’s no worse off than if he had tried to work for it in the first place.
