Since we’re doing light bulb jokes, I figured I’d open a thread on simple, straightforward, non-obscene one-liners. Whaddya got?
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A. A stick.
Q. How do you get down off of an elephant?
A. You don’t. You get down off of a duck.
Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, “Hey, where’d you get the pig?”
Woman says, “It’s not a pig! It’s a duck!”
Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck!”
[sub] Hey! Give that man a lampshade.[/sub]
What did the grape say when an elephant sat on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
Knock-Knock
Who’s there?
Impatient chicken
Impatient chick… BRAKKKK!!!
What sits in a tree and shouts “I’m a pear!!”
A Crazy Apple
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “You know, we got a drink named after you”
The grasshopper says, “You got a drink named Harold?”
A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
What do you call a 5 pound songbird in England? Two kilo mockingbird.
A few from Stephen Wright
King of the one liners…
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down…Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, “Cut it out.”
When I was a child… We had a quick-sand box in the backyard… I was an only child… eventually…
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators
a guy walks into a bar and says ouch
RickJay- My own followup to your joke (which I laughed myself silly when I first heard it) is as follows:
What is red and sticky?
Baton Rouge.
My wife still doesn’t think it is funny. I think she just doesn’t get it…
Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:
My wife is such a bad cook… at our house we pray after we eat. And our dog begs for Alka-Selzer.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
A Family of tomatoes is walking down the street. The littlest tomato starts to lag behind. The angry father walks back to the little one, stomps on him, and screams
“Catch up”
Q. What’s brown and makes a noise like a bell?
A. DUNG!!!
Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A. A d’ya-think-esaurus.
Did ya hear the one about the Buddhist who went up to the hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”
Then the Buddhist pays for his hotdog with a $20. The vendor pockets it. “Hey, where’s my change?”
The vendor smiles mysteriously and says “Change comes from within.”
Corr
Polish Pilot to Co-Pilot: “Damn that was a short runway” Co-Pilot: “Yeah, and so wide.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “so, why the long face?”
A few more from Rodney:
I asked my bar tender, “Can you make me a zombie?”
He says, “no, God beat me to it!”
My wife likes to talk after sex. Last night, she called from the hotel.
Boy, do I feel dumb. I don’t get it at all.
A duck walks into a drugstore and buys some Chapstick. The cashier says, “Will that be cash?” and the duck says, “No, just put it on my bill.”
A cripple and a pregnant woman go into a porn shop …
Oh, wait … that was just a comment I (after back surgery) made to my pregnant wife while driving past a porn shop.
See? Life imitates art.