Thirty years ago today, the world was cursed with my presence. I’ve been uber stressed and kinda down for a while due to some family/financial crap going on, plus I have a (warning:TMI)
FUCKING HEMORRHOID! I guess that’s my body’s way of wishing me a happy 30th.
Anyway, I’m turning to my fellow Dopers for a laugh, pick me up, good tidings… Whatever ya got. My birthday wish (if I had a cake and candles) would be to recieve these sentiments in my favorite formats: Limericks and haikus! I don’t even mind if you use my anatomical misfortune as fodder. They say laughter is the best medicine, you know. Just don’t make me laugh so hard it puts pressure on my tender bits!
Here’s a limerick I made up all by myself:
An old maid of Blaydon-On-Tyne
Whose looks were far past their prime
Had suitors for miles,
With satisfied smiles
For her pussy was something divine
Jesus christ, would you look at all those spelling errors! Apparently, my age is making a difference in my written communication. Please disregard the mistakes.
I like your spirit. Happy B-day!
The birthday girl, though in pain, was stoic,
And in her positive good cheer, heroic:
“I’m now over-the-hill,
So insult me at-will,”
Thus daring Dopers to roast hemorrhoic.
There once was a 30-year-old lass,
Who sat far too long on her ass,
With predictable results.
Now, with solicited insults,
The lass is doubtless em-bar-assed.
Annie-Xmas of Doper fame
With her words she so tries to mame
she speaks of my 'rhoidal
to get me annoyed-al
The ass/door “crack” is just lame
I’m being purely funny here.
Another birthday dismays every thinker
Every panther grows greyer, not pinker
But do not despair
over changes in hair
while you’ve got throbbing veins in your sphincter.
Update:
I got a cake!!! Yay! My best friend showed up unexpectedly with a Boston Cream Pie and a $50 gift card for Wally World. A few minutes later, Mom dropped by with a card, a check, two magnets to add to my fridge collection and…
Preperation H Cooling Gel! Double Yay! I love my mom. After 30 years, she’s still making sure my bung hole is happy. (I think she’s trying to make up for all those times she stuck a rectal thermometer up me bum.)
There once was a Seeker with ‘roids
They were so big, he insured them with Lloyd’s
He took a finger to the burn
But then was distressed to learn
His scratching, that policy voids
(I’m using the generic he/him. Your profile doesn’t specify a gender.)
Turning 30 brings you wisdom and knowing,
but be careful with cake candle blowing!
if you expel breath too hard
and with lack of regard,
you just might blow out your O-ring.
They say laughter is the best medicine, you know. Just don’t make me laugh so hard it puts pressure on my tender bits!
