It’s not raunchy, but it is my all-time favorite limerick:
At breakfast one day in Calcutta,
Sat a man with a bit of a stutta
He said, “Pass the h-ham,
And the j-j-j-jam,
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta!”
Best ever.
There was a young man from Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes,
One was so small it was nothing at all,
The other took numerous prizes.
We took a European tour in 1960 that I call the Limerick tour. While in England we drove from London down to Stonehenge. On a road in the area we saw a sign that pointed the mileage and direction to Devizes which gave me an opportunity to recite some of my limericks. Limericks are filled with the names of British locales. Like the
Young lady from Twickenham,
Who complained that the men had no prick’n em,
Each night and each day
On her knees she would pray
Lord, lengthen and strengthen and thickenem
Or the Young man from Kent, Whose tool was so long that it bent, or the Young girl from Penzance, Who boarded a bus in a trance, The passengers … and on and on.
There is another limerick that involves Brienz, Zug and Koblenz that I’ll not repeat here. I have my standards. They are pretty low but they do exist. On the “Limerick tour” we were in Brienz and Koblenz and right near Zug.
Of course, come to think of it, if you are in Switzerland you’ve got to be near everywhere because everywhere in Switzerland is near everyplace else there. There is no elsewhere there, it’s all one place.
Yes, I know that Koblenz is in Germany, not Switzerland. During the war I was within just a couple of miles of Koblenz a time or two.
Seeker74, upon turning thirty
Made a pitch for limericks dirty.
Since she wants to collect 'em,
Be sure to mention the rectum
And perhaps a secretion quite squirty.
There once was a bloke from Aberystwyth
Who screwed all the boys that he kystwyth;
He’d lick them and suck them
And rim them and fuck them
And pull on the prongs that they pystwyth.
A young Harvard man, sweet and tender
Went out with three queers on a bender.
He returned in six days
In a sexual haze
No longer quite sure of his gender.
You guys are the BEST! Sorry I had to skip out early last night, but this office chair doesn’t help my malady at all.
A freshly thirty year old lass
finds it painful to sit on her ass
So she sits on a sitz
and enjoys the warm spritz
And blows bubbles releasing her gas
Preperation H
applied by my loving hubby
cools the firey bum
Hey David, I had just read those yesterday. I have a huge book of limericks from my Dad’s library (rest his soul). I took it in with me to have a sitz bath before I started this thread. It’s weird, everything I read after that I was trying to read with the limerick rhythm… That’s what inspired the thread.
I love you guys! Keep 'em coming & I’ll have a week-long birthday celebration!
For my birthday, he offered me head
while I was face down, ass up on the bed
I knew it was a joke
For he laughed as he spoke
Smearing goop on me pooper instead.
Incidentally, a few nights ago he proclaimed himself “Doctor Butt.” So now when my husband is putting on the latex glove, I give him a rendition of “Doctor Butt” sung to Kiss’s “Doctor Love.”
They call me
(Doctor Butt)
They call me Doctor Butt
(they call me Doctor Butt)
I am the doctor of the butt!
(they call me Doctor Butt)
Thought you thought my work wasn’t spiffy
I still hope your B-day was nifty.
And on this Xmas–Annie
Couldn’t get up off her fanny.
Why? Because that day I turned FIFTY
Seeker the doper was great
Born on the twenty-eighth.
Her birthday was shared
With another quite fair
Named picker
But alas he was older
Birthdays really suck
Now that we are old as dirt
Pass the Geritol
Happy Birthday to us!
There once was a Rabbi from Peru,
Who was trying, vainly, to screw.
His wife said, ‘Oy, vey.’
If you keep on this way.
The Messiah will come before you do.
There once was a man from Rangoon,
Who was born nine months too soon
He was shit out of luck
He was born with no Fu*k
He was scraped from the sheets with a spoon.
And last is the Man, hails from Nave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She was missing one tit
and smelled like shit,
but think of the money he saved.
How many from those three were in your book, Seeker?