Motherfucking Menstruating Chicken! (long, unfortunate)

The BBQ Pit
1

I HEREBY PIT CHICKENS WITH GIBLETS. MAY THE GIBLET-STUFFERS BE FORCED TO SPEND EVERY NIGHT WALLOWING IN THEIR UNHOLY CHICKEN INNARDS.

My husband is at work. I am home with an incredibly active toddler and a cat that’s hell-bent on evil.

All I want is some chicken. I AM CRAVING TENDER CHICKEN ASS MEATS. I have a chicken, luckily. It’s been defrosting in my fridge for 2 days.

I open the chicken package. And there my troubles begin.

MOTHERFUCKING GIBLETS!!! WHY WHY WHY? WHO THE HELL EATS GIBLETS?!! WHO EATS HEART OR NECK OR LIVER!!! NO ONE. NO ONE EATS THEM. WHY DO THEY NOT SELL GIBLET-FREE CHICKENS???

My sense of smell is a bit more keen than usual. I cannot bear to touch NAKED HEARTS AND NECKS. I cannot find my gloves. So I scoop out the nasty giblets into the disposal. I gag and gag and gag. But my pain is worth it because I will have my chickens.

I turn around to find the toddler has wiggled out of his high chair harness and is standing backwards and leaning halfway out the chair, dropping spoonfuls of beef dinner baby food onto the cat.

I restrain angry toddler. I rise the gaping chicken cavity and peer inside. I LOOK FOR THE EVIL GIBLETS. No giblets to be found. I work quickly, I can still smell the giblets in the disposal and I’m gagging and monitoring a toddler.

I toss the chicken in the oven with some spices. I capture toddler and take him for his bath. I’m hungry, exhausted and nauseous and my back hurts. But I will have my chicken. All day I have wanted chicken meats, and now their tenderness is MINE.

Bathe & pajama toddler. He plays nicely in the living room and so I duck into the kitchen to check on my chicken.

MY CHICKEN IS MENSTRUATING. BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF IT’S GAPING CHICKEN HOLE! WHAT THE FUCK!??!? AND DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT STENTCH?!

ALL I WANTED WAS CHICKEN MEAT! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

I grab the menstruating chicken by a leg. I shake it over the sink and plunge the spoon in and out searching for whatever piece of chicken I missed. A smelly HEART plops out. The chicken leg begins to detach from the chicken. I am gagging, holding a bloody half-cooked chicken and then I hear the sound of DOOM.

Doom sounds like a toddler crawling into the kitchen clomping with a wooden train part in each hand.

Toddler spies the trash. TRASH IS TREASURE. Toddler knocks over trash. Toddler cavorts in old tuna noodle casserole.

NOW I AM HOLDING A HALF-COOKED MENSTRUATING CHICKEN BY A DETACHING LEG AND MY TODDLER IS GETTING READY TO EAT SOMETHING UNHOLY AND I AM ABOUT TO VOMIT AND MY NIGHT IS NOT IMPROVING.

I drop chicken, grab toddler, wash him, and put him in his playpen. Toddler MAD. Toddler SMASH. I put chicken in the oven.

45 minutes later toddler is in bed but MY CHICKEN STILL SMELLS OF HEARTS AND BLOOD. I also discover the cat has done something evil and messy all over the kitchen floor.

I finish cooking my chicken, but I am afraid to eat it. So I make ravioli dinner from the freezer but it smells of wine. WHY WHY WHY??!! There’s no wine listed on the label. Just “flavorings”. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I puke. I cry. I eat pasta dinner anyway. I may puke again, I haven’t decided yet.

NOW MY HOUSE SMELLS LIKE WINE AND BURNED BLOOD AND HEARTS AND CHICKENS AND I CAN’T CLEAN IT UP BECAUSE I VOMIT EVERY TIME I GO INTO THE KITCHEN.

WHY DO THEY RUIN PERFECTLY GOOD CHICKENS WITH GIBLETS!??! I PIT GIBLETS!! I PIT VOMITING. I PIT TRASH DIGGING TODDLER INSTINCTS. I PIT THE DAMN CAT THAT NOW IS DROOLING ON THE LAPTOP AND WAVING IT’S FURRY CHOCOLATE STARFISH IN MY FACE.

I PIT TONIGHT.

and i still want my chicken.

2

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

3

That is one of those situations that are hilarious unless it’s YOU.

I am sorry. That is quite gross. I refuse to touch raw meat. It makes me gag. Cooked, mmmmm good. Raw = barf.

The few times I had to make pizza at the place I used to work at (I made everything else normally - appetizers, sandwiches etc) I HATED touching the sausage. It is gross and fucking STICKY and just nasty.

4

Hey, honey, did you see this? Its pretty wild, all about this woman and this chicken, its kinda like one of Scylla’s domestic riffs…here take a…what? Why, no, you’re right, nothing funny about it, not really, but you gotta admit it’s…no, of course you don’t have to admit anything, its just a figure of sp…yes, dear, you’re right. Now would be a very good time to shut up.

5

Ah, inkleberry pittings are always a treat. “Menstruating Chicken”-dare I say it?

6

Uh, ok then…

7

Very funny.

You can do some goods things with giblets though. I personally prefer some of it to the bland exterior meat. You could volunteer to work in a chicken slaughterhouse for a day. Nothing at home will ever seem as bad again.

8

Or you could end up hating chicken and other poultry the rest of your life, like my grandmother the ex-employee of a poultry processing plant.

9

Yummy. My mom JUST made me some giblets and hearts in gravy over mashed potatoes tonight. Fucking spectacular meal I tell you!

Didja know you can buy giblets and hearts separate from a chicken? They’re so gosh darned good, Inky, you ought to try them!

Sam

10

Oh. Hm. Uh… sweetie pie… is there something you want to tell us?

If it’s a girl, you can call her Pinkleberry.

11

As of yet, nothing.

And no, no we can’t.

12

“My sense of smell is a bit more keen than usual
I cannot bear to touch NAKED HEARTS AND NECKS
I cannot find my gloves
So I scoop out the nasty giblets into the disposal”

Set this to music, get the right backing group, and I foresee a long and profitable career as a country singer.

13

It’s been a few hours, and while the rest of the kitchen has been cleaned (including the 1 lb canister of catnip that Evil Beast managed to dump on the floor), I cannot bring myself to touch, look at, or smell the chicken carcass that’s on top of the oven wrapped in foil.

DrLoveGun is in for a nasty surprise tonight when he gets home.

14

I’m too tiny to wear big buckles. And I don’t have nearly enough hair. :smiley:

15

Just one?

16

Ya know what’s better then spending 10 hours in a hot restaurant? I can’t even begin to describe some of the evils I live with there. You don’t want to know the unusual way they clean the kitchen, yes, it is clean, just different.

I get to come home to a chicken that’s been sitting on the top of the stove for at least 5 hours. Oh lucky me.

17

I hate when that happens, but obviously that was me. Didn’t even think to look at who was logged in.

18

Too bad KFC doesn’t deliver.

19

See…this is why I prefer my chicken cut up and skinned (and boned, thankuverymuch). I’ll do the turkey thing twice a year, but actually, my sister does the giblet extraction before I even arrive at my dad’s house, so I don’t have to deal with the guts of the freekin’ thing. They’re wrong…just plain wrong.

20

I use the liver and a bit of the heart as a base for stuffing. Mmmmmm.

I hope you didn’t actually scoop the neck into the disposal. That’s a fabulous way to break even the toughest garbage disposal.