A beloved co-worker of mine has died, and I would like to do something for the family. Normally I’d take them a casserole and a story about the departed, but I’m temporarily housebound. The stories can go in a card, but is it appropriate to put something else in as well?
Some people have told me that monetary gifts are very welcome when someone has just died. Funerals are expensive, and the family might need the money. I have always been a little uncomfortable giving money to persons older than myself; it seems a little patronizing. However, if the money would help them without giving offense, I would happily give it.
Is it appropriate to give them money? Does it become more or less weird if I attach a brief note saying something to the effect of “please use this as you see fit” or a more flowery “I hope this can help the family he loved so very much”?
AFAIK, it’s quite commonplace to give money to the bereaved. After my grandfather died, a couple of years after my grandmother, I found in one of his drawers a lot of cards from when she had died, most if not all containing cash. And he was definitely not in financial need- so I assume it’s a custom whether it’s actually needed or not.
Most persons in this area would give $20 or $40 in the card. A few give more, and some nothing. Some people will bring over food, which is usful when it is something that can be eaten later. An amazing number of people will stop for a few days, whom are closer than just friends to the family. It’s also traditional to bring over food to the after service dinner like desserts and such. Ham sandwiches and the like are normaly provided by the family. I didn’t eat for 3 days until the after dinner burrial of my father, and then I couldn’t stop. I didn’t sleep for almost 48 hours either. Some people are well off enough to ask that any money donations are sent to a charity they have choosen. You can be short money because of the fact that a wage earner in the family has died and yoour income just halved, so money gifts help keep the family fed and such, before the estate can be settled and insurance recieved.
Please put your full address in the regestry. Things are already stressfull, it sucks when you have to call around to get the address for somebody.
When my BF’s dad died in 2000 he was surprised to find many of the cards contained money. The cash in the cards just about covered the bar tab that all his dad’s old friends rang up at his dad’s favorite bar that we all went to after the service. He had been a regular at this place for years, so we thought going there and buying rounds for a few hours was appropriate. Of course, we had bought and paid the bar tab before we knew about the card money, but there you go.
I forgot to add - my BF’s dad was retired, not married (his wife had died well before I met my BF), and both his children had been out on their own and doing well for many years. So there was no financial needs.
This was never ever ever done in my family - and I just called my mommy and asked her just to be sure! I had never even heard of such a thing until I was with my (now) husband and there was a death in their family - he put money in a card. Who knew?
I think it is a lovely idea. If only so that the family can go out to dinner instead of cooking, or maybe it will help with the funeral. Funerals are criminally expensive, which is why I am not having one!
Speaking as someone who just had a funeral in the family (my husband’s father - very unexpectedly), we got three cards out of 50 or 60 that had cash in them, but oh boy did we appreciate those three. (And a huge pile of mass cards. My FIL wasn’t Catholic, but good Lord there’s a lot of Catholic masses being said in his name!)
The funeral (which was bare-bones basic) ran over $7,500 - payable on the day of the ceremony in full. None of us had that kind of cash, and nobody could find documents like wills, insurance policies, etc.
I think that at times like those, people are more willing than they might otherwise be to take the gesture in the spriit you intended it, if that makes sense. If money is tight, the cash would be a welcome gesture indeed, and if it’s not, then they’ll almost certainly have a charity in mind to whom the donation will also be a welcome gesture indeed.
I think this is a regional thing, it’s the normal behavior for funerals in my own experience. I didn’t realize that plenty of other people don’t have this practice, I didn’t find out until there was a thread on the SDMB about this a few years ago.
The “rules” of how it works are a bit fluid and it’s hard to describe them. If it would be difficult for you financially to give money, then there’s no pressure. If there is no extraordinary pressing financial need on the part of the deceased’s family, you could give the $20 or $40 that Harmonious Discord mentioned – $20 would be fine as you are younger, and you didn’t mention any special circumstances. For special circumstances, you could give more (based on what is realistic for you financially) – let’s say if there is an issue of obvious financial need, such as small orphaned children, or an elderly or disabled widow with no other means.
Some people do checks, but cash is really the way to go, because many of the expenses will be things that come up unexpectedly in the days before and just after the funeral, so the point is to have cash on hand and not be futzing around with the bank.
Add me to the list of people that have never heard of such a thing. Unless it is a family member that you know needs money for the burial, I would think giving money is tacky. Apparently, I’d be wrong in many parts of the country.
In my area about 80% of the people sent some money. People my father did work for over the years sent cash in the cards, plants, and or food. He remodeled the funeral home for the owner a few years earlier, so mother didn’t have to pay him until weeks later, when the insurance policies were paid out. A few hundered people walked through the night of the viewing. It made me feel better to see a large turn out like that. I enjoyed the Catholic nuns showing up at the Luthern church for the service also. I actually had a few minutes of chuckles I almost couldn’t control. I started quietly laughing under stress, seeing the minister looking at the nuns and them starring back at him, was to much.
It’s done quite often around here. I prefer to do it instead of sending flowers.
Flowers here start at about $50.
My mother received a great deal of money when my father passed away. She told people not to send flowers because he was buried in a veterans cemetery and you could only bring a limited amount of flowers to the service.
My father was very involved in Habitat for Humanity and she donated the money that she received.
Lots of people have lunch or whatever after the funeral and I’m sure could even use the money for that. Plus most people don’t get insurance right away and there are lots of upfront expenses with a funeral.
It all boils down to ettiquette, and ettiquette is simply doing what is appropriate and sometimes expected.
I am not saying that people EXPECT you to send money (most anyway) upon the death of a close friend/family member, etc, but it is often appropriate.
Sending ($20-$40) to a rich family is NOT appropriate… Just send a card, and a note/recipt showing that $x was donated to a charity that supports causes that the deseased supported is a nice gesture.
If the family is in a situation in which cash should /would/could be appreciated, then by all means include some, if you can. This is a time to help out.
What I am trying to say is make it appropriate and heartfelt, and it will be appreciated.
One other ettiquette thing, with any condolence offering ( from a card on up) make it clear that the family need not (unless desired) forward a "thank You/acknowledgement, as they will have enough on their plate with out having to acknowledge things like that- and you AREN’T doing it to get a “thank You” any way, are you?
I would never expect a thank you note for something in a sympathy card. That would be just horrid.
I’m not really sure about their financial situation, so I think the best thing to do is send it with some vaguely worded thing about “use as you see fit” or “to help out with family needs or his memorial.” Fair?
That’s not really true. Trust me, my mother isn’t a poor person and people did give money because she said she didn’t want flowers. She made a donation.
I gave money to my friend when her mother died. I knew she’d be receiving a lot of flowers and would probably prefer the money. Later she told me she really appreciated it because she had so many out of town visitors she had to feed.
I would never not send a thank you card. I sent them for flowers/mass cards/cash/cookies. I’ve never heard of not sending a thank you card.
Is your company doing a collection for the co-workers family? If not, you might think about suggesting one.
I’ve found that unless a family is pretty high on the wealthy side? Funerals, funeral expenses and all the costs associated are pretty shockingly high at a very bad time. I always give to a company fundraiser for such and have helped with a few for people that I didn’t know well just b/c the situation was more dire than the normal loss.
