I was kinda liking you, but physically you don't do it for me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well another girl fell in love with me over the internet. Not that she used so many words, but she did say only 2 people in the world made her feel a special feeling, the first one was her ex-fiance and guess who the second one was/is. It might not have been necessarily a bad thing, but after a week of us talking over the phone (which is one step up from IM, but still…) I finally saw her on the webcam and found her too chubby and unactractive. I told her this immediatelly. She all but started crying.

Sigh. That’s basicallly it. After that moment, we must have talked for almost an hour (yeah, I probably should have ended right there, but I she wanted to talk and I wanted to try to make her feel better… I’m sure lots of guys would like her… just not me… and I don’t know, we might be friends…). This was last night, now it’s 1pm locally and she’s beeped me (I don’t know what you call it when you call and let the cell phone ring just one time) 30+ times, meaning she was thinking of me.

I told her I would still meet her, but now I’m not sure it’s the best thing for her. I wouldn’t mind talking to her, but I think she should just let it go…

I don’t really remember breaking up with a woman, just so you know I’m not used to this. I would never in a million years call this ‘breaking up’, either, but her feelings seem to be close to that.

Also, this post is my way of saying ‘Hi!’ to all the people who read my previous story to let them know (a bit of) how I’m doing. Not very well, apparently. BTW, both the girls in that previous post are still ‘work in progress’ (don’t give me that look, I just meant to say I haven’t seen either - not my choice - and have no ideia what is going to happen).

Internet dating is turning out to be very complicated for me. The real life kind, with all its atribulations, is much more fun and healthy!

Oh and just in case you didn’t understand the (main) point of this post, It’s this: I want you to tell me how I should handle this girl.

2

Well, first off, jump in your time machine and go back to just before the moment when you said “I think you’re too chubby and unattractive”, and just think of something else to say. Almost anything else would be better, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

3

She probably thinks if you just get to know her better, you’ll fall for her in spite of your initial reaction to her appearence. This could get messy. I don’t envy you.

I think you should tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, and tell her to move on. If she’s looking for a mate, but gets hung up on you she’ll be wasting her ime and emotional energy. That’s not fair to either of you. I’m sure you don’t want to be cruel and cast her off, but it sounds like if you don’t you’ll be unintentionally leading her on.

4

Uh, next time try being a wee bit more diplomatic. Say, “I’m sorry, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m afraid that I do not feel the same way,” or something along those lines.

5

Calling someone “chubby and unattractive” is far too blunt, it might be the truth but you could have been a shedload more tactful about it.

As for what to do now, just leave it. Don’t meet the poor girl, don’t you think you’ve upset her enough without meeting her and going through it all again?

6

Some backstory seems to be missing. Did she ask you if you thought she was attractive? A while ago, I had a woman ask me if I thought she was “hot.” While she wasn’t ugly – she was normal and on the plain side, but still pleasant to my eyes – she certainly wasn’t “hot”, and I told her. The aftermath wasn’t pretty. I made a post here about what happened a year or more ago, but I can’t seem to find it.

If she didn’t ask you if you thought she was attractive, and you really wanted to be honest in volunteering the reason why you didn’t find yourself attracted to her, you could leave it at “chubby.” It’s not going to be pleasant, though. It’s not as bad of a punch as “ugly and unattractive” - she probably knows she’s chubby and will ultimately be more accepting of someone saying so, but “unattractive” is more subjective. No, she probably won’t like it, but still, there’s no easy way to tell someone you’re not physically attracted to someone.

Saying that they’re chubby does not imply that they’re unattractive or “ugly” - just that they have a body style that you don’t find appealing, and which might be a deal-breaker for you. If they’re “unattractive”, though, that could apply to other her attributes; she’s not just on the big side, but she’s big and ugly.

There’s also a subtle difference between saying that you aren’t attracted to someone, versus saying you don’t find them attractive. The first implies that it’s only a matter of opinion with you, and that it’s your fault you’re not attracted to her, while the second puts her at fault.

EDIT: Found the thread.

7

Dude…lighten up on the brutal honesty. A simple, polite statement that you don’t feel the same way is sufficient. The “gee you’re a little chubby” is reserved only for the closest of relationships. How did you think she was going to take this mean insult? Also, I’d cancel any plans to see her. Why prolong the inevitable? Let her move on.

8

In the future, don’t let a girl declare her “love” for you so quickly. Try to keep her expectations low until you know each other better and have met in person. She isn’t really in love with you. She’s in love with the fantasy she has created of who you are since she doesn’t really know the real you.
I also agree that you really should not tell a girl that you don’t like the way she looks. Most women are very sensitive about that sort of thing.

In this current situation, I think all you can do is tell her you do not think it is a good idea for you two to talk right now. Tell her that you’d like to give it some time for both of you to move on before trying to be friends.

9

joazito, I’m confused about something. This thread had to do with your then-girlfriend, who had a three-year-old son who was not yours. By the end of that story, you two had broken up, then gotten back together. You also said she was your first serious girlfriend. But later that same year, you made reference to your five-year-old child. :confused:

And I’m also wondering what happened with this woman.

10

Jeez – you didn’t actually use the words ‘chubby’ and ‘unattractive,’ did you?

‘Unattractive’ is bad enough, but ‘chubby?’ I disagree vehemently with elmwood on this – ‘chubby’ is one of the 3 or 4 worst possible words you could use to describe a woman – even if she is the size of a barn.

Just leave the poor girl alone – don’t see her or IM or email her again. And rethink your dating strategies. I don’t believe online dating is working for you.

11

Remember, this interaction took place in portuguese, but I’ll try to translate exactly what happened (this is pretty accurate because it’s from the log ):

[3 lines skipped]
Ana: Sorry I look tired
[9 lines skipped]
joazito: well you’re… cheeky… :slight_smile: [NOTE: This was a tough one to translate. “Big cheeks” is what I meant]
[5 lines skipped]
joazito: forgive me but
joazito: It’s the first time I see you
joazito: I’m trying to process the image of you
[some 10 lines we’re skipping around here… but here are the important ones:]
Ana: so are you enjoying seeing me?
joazito: Well, Ana, I think I should be completely honest with you
joazito: And being honest here means telling you
joazito: You don’t have the physical figure I’m attracted to.

12

You know how girls always say they want you to be honest? They don’t really mean it. Jeez, haven’t you ever heard of a white lie?

13

It doesn’t sound any better. You should have said “you have beautiful eyes” or “I like your hair” or “what a nice smile” or something. If you like this girl, why would you say something so hurtful?

14

When something like this happens you are supposed to avoid her until she corners you and then claim you’re getting back with your old girlfriend.

15

We totally broke up, none of us has feeling towards the other, and we both agree we’re better off.

That girl! Well she still works for the café I attend twice a week, she’s made it perfectly clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I reacted accordingly. Funny thing though, after having stopped talking to her now she’s all smiles to me, starts conversations and I would almost go so far as to say she flirts with me. Doesn’t matter, I’m not persuing her again, and I even took my date there one time. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what’s triggered her recent niceness… Bah, women.

That date I took there is the one I mentioned in my previous story, linked in the op. One of the sweetest girl ever and the only reason I haven’t been with her is because of the over-protective (and stupid, amongst other things) stepdad.

16

Make sure to update your online profile so that women know what type you’re not attracted to.

17

Oh, man, you’re That joazito???

Jann Arden called and left you a message.

18

No, I was asking about the children. In February of 2005, your girlfriend had a three-year-old son who was not your son. Later that year, you claimed to have a son who was five years old. Did she have two children, or is the five-year-old yours from a previous relationship?

19

You’re right. I probably wouldn’t use the word “chubby” either - well, at least the English word. Thing is, there’s no gentle words that can be used to describe someone who’s large. Maybe “You’re just a bit on the heavy side for me?” Still sounds bad, I know. Maybe Portuguese has a more appropriate word?

20

Oh I hadn’t understand. Well, neither. She only had 1 child, that one, and although I refered to him as my own I was not his real father.