Do NOT meet her. She’ll goad you into feeling guilty and you’ll end up sleeping with her.
It’ll be an emotional/physical triumph on her part.
Until you ignore her from then on and then she’ll be torn apart by the whole thing.
End it now, there’s 2.5 billion other women out there for you to meet.
I was in this situation back in high school. She was in another town and a mutual friend set us up. We talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before going out, at which point I discovered that Mutual Friend had not mentioned that Blind Date outweighed me 2 to 1. She was nowhere near my type physically, although we had a decent time on our date. Even so, I would never have thought of saying to her what you did. We went out, had an ok time, and talked again on the phone, but it was pretty clear that the chemistry just wasn’t there without any faults being pointed out. Hell, she may have been just as disappointed that I was a scrawny white kid (Mutual Friend was known for omitting little details like that).
The diplomatic way to break it off would have been to try and back away from moving too fast (as it sounds like she was doing), then just saying that you didn’t feel the same spark she did.
Yes. Be upfront about what you are and about what you seek, especially if it is a dealbreaker. Not in the text of your profile (it is a turn-off to read: If you’re chubby, stay away" ) but definitely in your search preferences. Don’t correspond with anyone who doesn’t offer a photo after three e-mails, and explain why.
With online dating, the golden rule (which you’ve learnt the hard way here) is not to get emotionally attached until you’ve seen at least 4-5 pictures, recent, full-lighted, both close-up and full-length, from different angles. It may seem superficial to ask that from prospective dates, but it really, really can save a lot of time, heartache and wasted emotional energy, for both partners. It is perhaps one of the top-three mistakes with online-dating. A mistake made because everyone, at first, does not want to come across as superficial, and also because everyone assumes, at first, they can’t afford to be picky.
Now, as to the wording: what would have been wrong with: “You look great (insert: nice eyes/hair/smile, anything you can say truthfully) but you are really not my type.” The whole idea is for her to attribute the rejection to taste, and taste differs. Some men like blondes, some brunettes, that kind of thing. Blonde isn’t better or worse then brunette.
It is difficult, but don’t let her corner you into saying what, exactly, you dislike about her. Some people stupidly ask questions, even when the answers will only hurt them, and she might do the same. Don’t play along.
Instead say: "What’s the point of saying what I don’t like about you? I’m just not attracted, now that I see you. Believe me, if I could change that, I would, because I really like you. But I know from experience I can’t change who I am or who you are, and believe me, that is my loss. And I’m not going to say anymore about that, even if you ask, because that won’t do any good. "
Firm but tactful. IMHO.
::wince:: As you say, not much better.
Frankly, I don’t think there is a non-hurtful way, in any language, to say “You’re too fat for me to find attractive.” In such matters I think it’s better not to tell the whole truth. Maastricht has, in my opinion, the best possible wording: "“You look great, but you are really not my type.” Still going to be hurtful, but at least in a non-specific way.
I think blaming ‘chemistry’ is another possibility: “I just don’t feel that we have the kind of chemistry in person that we had online.”
And, in the future, definately avoid girls who ‘fall in love’ with you before they meet you. That’s almost never going to end well.
Oh lordy. First of all, meet your internet prospects fairly soon. Don’t drag out the conversation for weeks, particularly if you’re not eve speaking by phone.
Secondly, nobody sensible will believe he or she is ‘in love’ over the internet.
And third, a photo is a poor representation of a person. You need to meet someone and get to know a person in person. Had I been dumb enough to go on photos alone, I’d not have taken up with a few people who I not only fell for, but came to find extremely hot once I knew them/spent time in their presence.
Good people are hard to come by and life happens to us all, meaning that ‘hotness’, if someone has it, doesn’t last long. If you allow your eyeballs to be the judge of who is worthy, you’ll very likely miss out on the very best person for you.
“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly”.
All right; I was just wondering how he advanced from three to five in the same year.
I can’t put anything on my profile saying I don’t want girls over XX pounds because some chubby girls I do like. The nice, smiley, I’m-really-ok-with-the-world, happy type.
3 to 5 in 1 year, hey? Obviously a time-warp thing. I spotted doc Brown in the neighborhoud, now that I think about it…
She’s calling me right now. I’m not taking this call. I’ll talk to her later, still not sure what to do.
Nothing you can do can make this better, so just stop talking to her. It may seem harsh but if you keep talking to her or meet her you’re only going to make it worse.
Seriously, what’s to “handle”? Block her, and don’t talk to her. This may seem cold, but in reality, you’re both better off. You’re not interested in her, and I’m sorry, but you don’t seem like a fabulous prize yourself. And you should both consider not emotionally investing in people you’ve never actually met. That is *not * normal or healthy.
For future reference, “rude” and “hurtful” are not synonyms for “honest”. I suspect that you’d recognize the difference had your roles been reversed.
And I’m the rude one? I may be harsh with words, but at least I don’t diminish others like that. It’s my choice not to like her, I don’t want to hurt her and if I did I am sorry, but I did my best. I cherish honesty a lot. It may hurt her a bit, but hell maybe in the long run it will be better for her.
And frankly, I do think I’m a “fabulous prize”. In a minor league. And I do think it was mighty unfair of you to label me like that.
Huh. See how that works?
Yeah actually I do see how that works. Ok, nice lesson there. But to further my argument (keep in mind I do thank you for making me feel diminished, really, good lesson), I’d like to point out that… hell… well I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I though she might be more captivating in person, I thought she should be less worried about captivating me with her looks as opposed to her personality, I thought I might give a try, I thought we could be friends… And I also thought that anything but this specific truth would fool her into thinking I could become her long time life partner. And that would be a hell lot more hurtful in the long run.
So you see, I’m just not very used at this stuff… from now on, I’ll try to stick to the “you look good, but you’re really not my type”… maybe… I must say, I thought that was what I was saying. Yeah I know I was wrong.
Still think of me as less than stellar, DianaG?
I completely agree. This is ESPECIALLY true if you are someone who doesn’t want to overlook physical imperfections, which you obviously are. And thats totally okay, but meeting the girl in person before you start an online relationship will keep her from getting hurt like this.
So it wasn’t that she was chubby, she was chubby and she wasn’t your type. So you should have just said that she wasn’t your type. What you said was not only cruel, it was also inaccurate.
Honestly, from what you said to her, I don’t think you are as comfortable with fat girls as you think you are. I think you should just put in your profile that you want girls with a trim figure. Seriously, leave all the chubby girls out there to meet guys who are okay with their body type.
Oh I’m not. I generally don’t find them attractive. Actually, I don’t find some 90% of the girls I see attractive. Fatness tends to push what I think of them into the unattractiveness arena. There are exceptions, but they’re never too fat.
This girl doesn’t seem to be that fat, so yeah it was a bit inaccurate of me to say it was (solely) her figure. Damn.
So… for future reference… what should I have said again?
If physical attractiveness is important to you – and why shouldn’t it be? – and you don’t find 90% of the girls you see to be attactive, then you need to be more upfront with how, ah, discerning you are. You have no business texting and talking on the phone for a week with a woman, stunning her with your apparent irresistibility (“Well another girl fell in love with me over the internet”) and then taking a look at her and informing her that she’s not attractive, or even just not attractive to you. If looks and size are as important to you as they seem to be, then you need to let prospective girlfriends know that. I’m not saying you’re wrong to care about that, but I do think you’re wrong to allow women to become emotionally invested in you before you discover whether they meet even your minimum qualifications for a relationship.
I also think that the way you describe these “relationships” – women falling in love with you, or you with them, or something close to it, complete with declarations, or hints that are close to declarations – is strange, in that it would seem to me obvious that it is not a good idea to move that fast/advance that far with someone you literally have never laid eyes on, much less met. I can’t decide if this is a cultural thing – that’s just how Internet dating is done among the romantic Portuguese – or just you, but it doesn’t strike me as being either smart or kind.
That happened to me once. I met this girl on a music sharing site. We just clicked. Moved up to IM. Then telephone (she had the hottest voice ever). Then we met. She was not unattractive at all, many men would have killed for her, just not a type I am not personally attracted to. Luckily, I think the feeling was mutual. Our meeting was not a half hour coffee shop thing. It was a 5-hour road trip!!! (how do I get myself in that kind of spots all the time is beyond me) and a weekend stay (business related, actually). We just had the best of times, goofed around and met her whole family (I mean, really). After that, it was very touch and go. We IM’ed for a while, the business fell through and that was that. Awkward but not heart breaking.
Don’t sweat it too much with this girl (I am assuming she doesn’t know where to physically find you). Just let the thing cool down and move on. She will live.
Ditto Jodi. I took a 3 second pause after reading
and thought, WTF, you waited a whole week? Looks are important to you, evidently, as they are to me. So I’m wondering why the wait if you knew that about yourself?
And then, of course she’s hopelessy in love with you within a week? Maybe I am jaded or just don’t have enough info about your conversations with her but she just sounds really desperate and needy. Or maybe you led her on. Who knows? I don’t know what was said.
BTW, over here, when someone calls you and lets your mobile ring just once it’s called “missed calling.” And the past tense is “missed called.” Yeah, we’re so inventive.
Its not so much what you should have said to her, its that you should have avoided this situation in the first place. Like others said, when she started to talk about how special you were to her, you should have met with her in person (or at least gotten a picture), to find out if you could feel the same way. If someone tells you they have feelings for you, and you’re not sure how you feel about them, then don’t let them have the wrong impression (and silence can give the wrong impression). This girl obviously made a big mistake as well, but in dating but both sides need to look out for the other’s feelings.
It’s called psycho.
I don’t know about psycho but I do think it is odd that a woman would still be chasing you after you said such unkind things. Maybe she has self esteem issues?