Long, somewhat whiny, and rambling. I’m also sure there are things I won’t want to hear, but that should slap some sense into me. This little tidbit is also heavily laden with anxiety I’m fighting through right now, so I’ll try to leave that note out.
First, a bit of background. I’m a WoW player…been playing off and on for a while. Back in April this year, I started talking with one of the guild members with whom I had never really talked before. She’d been playing for the same amount of time I had, we were both geeks (though I’m in PA, she’s in Louisiana). Almost immediately we hit it off well; she was great fun to talk to and within a week we had exchanged phone numbers, and beyond playing in game a little she’d randomly call me to chat.
We each seemed to hold each other up a little bit. I was finishing my last semester at grad school, and was worried about even being able to find a job. She was one year out of a bad relationship (I was 1.5 years out of one myself) and we both seemed to talk well together. Before long it was a few hours a day of chatting. I had finally found a job, and she helped me through a rather nasty move (where the ceiling in my old bedroom nearly collapsed, fun) and her continual calls helped me settle in. Around this time she also finally found a temp position that could lead into something more, and we settled into a good routine (for us) : Emails during the day, a phone call from her when she was out of work, another call when walking the dog or playing wow together, then a final one to close the night out.
It was during this time we started to express interest in each other too; there was mutual attraction going on. For a while we were shy about it, instead of saying anything we’d play around and go “No, you want me!”…that kind of sickening stuff newer couples do, hah. I had mentioned that around labor day I wanted to visit some friends in the south (in Mobile) and she brought up the idea that she could drive over and hang out too; I changed that into why don’t we then go to New Orleans for a day as well. She agreed enthusiastically, and I started to make plans.
The mutual attraction seemed to deepen a bit, as we had, um, steamy conversations a few times over the next few weeks as well; rather bluntly stating some attraction. She also made clear she hoped something would happen during the visit, even as recently as the day before the trip.
So, background established, here is the trip:
I showed up, and some anxiety settled in; we had both talked about the trip and were both exited, and nervous. Not quite sure what to expect I guess. She showed up, and it was fine in the beginning, but she seemed a little distant, or shy (we were hanging out with those friends in Mobile, she didn’t know them and I only knew half). We were still chatty though especially if we were alone, and I think I gave a nice backrub, but she still seemed a little nervous / whatever, which made me a little more anxious. I tried to hold her hand at one point, which she gave but kind of held on limply, then took her hand back after a minute.
A little later that day I think I made mistake #1: We were in the pool alone and started talking a little about sex. She mentioned things, and also said she didn’t think she was a sexual creature all the time; which has never really seemed the case before (but she can wax hot and cold on the phone). I said you know we really don’t have privacy or a nice place to stay here, I don’t think anything would happen here. She agreed, and I said what about tomorrow. “Maybe, we’ll have to see” was her response. That night when we went to sleep I put an arm around her, and we tried to settle in, but people kept coming in and out and making noise, didn’t lead to a very good night.
Next day we got up and got ready to head to New Orleans (Just her and I). Drive over was fairly uneventful, with us mocking each other as per usual. We got there and she showed me around to the hurricane damage, and then checked into the hotel. Mistake number 2 by me? I brought up the whole messing around thing again, it started as a whole I really hope you don’t’ think that’s why I came down, I was dying to see you and couldn’t wait. So of course I in an anxiety attack had to poke at it again, and she sounded irritated. I dropped it and switched over to normal conversation, and left it there.
We had a decent day wandering around the city, mostly the French Quarter and Bourbon St. Went out to a good restaurant (I had the crawfish pasta…mmm) then out to the horse pastures she loves so much. Spent some time with the horses, then back to the hotel to sleep. I apologized to her that night for asking questions due to anxiety and dropped it there.
Next day was dropping me off at the airport; we texted a little and she called when she got into work. Once I was home we had settled into the routine again, but either I’m being anxious or she really doesn’t feel as comfortable talking to me again (she could just be tired I have to keep telling myself).
So this is where we are left: I’m worried the attraction went by the wayside at the very least, and at the most she’s not sure she wants to talk to me. Other friends have advised me that they still think she is drawn to me, but is just confused and worried; unsure what she wants. Other minor details from the trip: I noticed she’d sparingly make eye contact with me sometimes; and wasn’t being overly touchy with me. I’m a coddler, and would do that sometimes, and she’d respond a little but not too much.
So, thanks for reading, feel free to smack me around and help me out of a nasty self-induced funk. It’s obvious what I want to hear, but the non anxious side wants the truth, plain and simple, so I can decide what to do. Questions welcome.
