Girl seems to aloof... help !

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi Guys… never thought I’d be asking for help here… but I can’t think of a better place to figure out what is happening.

I have this very beautiful neighbor and she obviously is shy… we exchanged polite and quick conversation in the elevator. Sometimes I’d ask about her studies and so forth. A few eyes exchanges once in a while… I always thought her very attractive, intelligent and sweet.

In the last two weeks we exchanged e-mails… she sent me an invitation to her graduation from university ceremony. We started chatting on MSN… and checking each others Orkut profile. In her e-mails she would drop a “miss our chats” comments. We both lived abroad as kids… and love to travel. That was my main excuse to talk to her… I want to know more about Asia where she lived 7 years (since I’m planning to travel there this year).

I’m not sure if things got too fast too quick… but Orkut has a “crush list” and if two people put each other in their crush list… an email is sent to indicate this “crush”/interest. This happened and I invited her out… she was pretty embarrased though with the “crush” email.

Well we only talked in a bar in our first improvised date (I called her to go out 1 AM when she got back from a birthday party). The second date was yesterday... we went out to dance and I eventually managed to kiss her.

Now the problem: She seems to enjoy talking to me… the problem is that she seems aloof… a bit edgy about pyshical contact. Yesterday I kept touching her arms and her waist. When we did kiss she would slip her hand behind me… but when we don’t kiss she seems to keep her hands to herself. Its wierd… its like she is tight up… not relaxed. She never initiated a kiss or contact. To me it feels like lack of enthusiasm… but she has mentioned her shyness a lot.

Its not like I’m a total stranger. Our families know each other due to work. They don’t have much contact though.

Maybe we didn’t have a long enough “flirting” ? She didn’t want to kiss in the first date… Or is she very traditional ? Maybe she is just trying me out a bit and isn’t that enthusiastic ? She had ample chances of saying she was too busy and didn’t want to go out… she never seemed reluctant or unwilling to go out with me for dancing.

Some other details… and sorry for the long post: I’m 32… she is 24. She seems to have a very controlling mother. (she tells her where she is going always.) Yesterday she told me how she was the ugly duckling as a teen when we talked about our lasic eye operations… when I mentioned something about plastic surgeries. She then mentioned that she got nose and breasts jobs. So I do beleive her when she says she wasn’t something to look at 3 years ago.

I was once terribly shy too... but once my fire is lit I've never held back in the past. I'm very sexual and experienced... I've been spoiled by having girls go to bed with me incredibly fast too. The longest I ever took to be intimate was 2 months once... but from the first kiss onwards we were heavily petting and kissing. My other GFs for example we had sex in the second date usually. I've had one night stands too. I've always been told I'm a good kisser... and I just love to find a girls weak spots. Then suddenly this girl seems so "coldish" and held back...

I really want to understand what is going on… it hurts me to feel I might be dragging her along and she is just too shy to say no. If she is enjoying it… then of course my confidence is terribly damaged since I can’t feel that. If she just wants to have fun… without it being more serious it would be fine too… but it doesn’t seem that way. I fear that if I hold back a bit too… she might take it as rejection or lack of interest.

So girls… what do you think about this holding back ? This lack of caressing and touching ? (We did hold hands) Her overly behaved atitude? Was it a mistake going out with me… ? Or does she just need an awful more time than I’m used too ? I don’t mind waiting that much… but I don’t like feeling she isn’t “on fire”. Good and fiery kissing would be fine… not this passive atitude.

2

In my opinion, this is the difference between the two of you. You’re used to having girls grope you or whatever, she probably isn’t. I’ve had a friend tell me that I’m slow to warm up–but I’m not used to being physical with guys. Another guy tried to kiss me at the end of our first date, and I was annoyed. I understood it, but I’ve never been kissed before, and it startled me. It’s not that she’s unwilling, most likely it’s that it’s not natural to her like it is to you.

3

Sounds like you two aren’t really compatible, Rashak. Are you sure you’re not just attracted to her 'cos she’s a hottie? :wink: No really, she might have serious underlying problems & this is why she’s so shy. I honestly don’t mean to make any judgements, but I feel the need to warn some guys - unstable women can get pretty scary (and I speak from experience - having been an unstable woman at a point in time). Of course, she might just not be into the relationship thing, or she might just need someone to push her a little bit. If she’s really shy, she might take this relationship thing pretty seriously, so you should definitely be honest with her about your feelings, no matter how awkward it might be.

Hope that post doesn’t sound like I’m assuming too much, I’m just throwing thoughts out there. Of course, you’re gonna be much better at figuring out what’s really going on.

4

It’s entirely possible she’s shy. Perhaps about contact, or contact in public, or dating, or some combination.

Why not continue to date, and touch in moderation. Offer her your hand, and see if she seems happy to take it, or is humoring you, etc. Don’t push her. I mean, there’s millions of people who no way as hell are sleeping with someone on a second date – if she’s one, is that a problem?

How well do you know her? If you go on more dates and she still seems unhappy, why not ask?

5

Thanks for the responses… and don’t feel shy about kicking me in the teeth if I’m wrong…

Jayn, I just want to see the difference between “not wanting” and “this is not natural to me”. I certainly know that I’m used to something else. She of course has no obligation to follow my patterns… but I sure want to know what I’m dealing with. I haven’t had “slow” starts in a long time… and I want to respect her as much as possible without turning this relationship into something like a religious freak’s marriage. I’m into cuddling and “demonstrations of affection” boyfriend.

Logan, the tought of her being some traumatized and problematic girl did cross my mind... but again I have no experience with that. Doesn't seem likely. I like to show my feeling more than talk about them... but if she wants something light... then I definitely want to go easy on her. Give her some time to adapt... acquaint ourselves.

Shade… I blame only myself for being overly “groping” and physical… I don’t think she has an obligation to dish out sex and affection. Still I feel a coldness and aloofness there that goes beyond “I wanna have sex only when I trust you”. If she likes me… why hold back in regards to atitude ?

In a summary I was ready for a hot race… and now I don’t if I’m facing 4 flat tires or a “lets go slow” drive.

6

My honest opinion is, you’re expecting way too much from a second date. Maybe you’ve been really lucky in the past, but I really don’t think it’s fair to expect her to be so comfortable with you. I guess you have to figure out why you want to go out with her. If it’s mainly because of a physical attraction, and you’re really looking forward to taking it to the next physical level, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree with this girl. If it is a more emotional connection, you’ll have to figure out whether you can sit out your desires while she grows more comfortable.

Seriously, I don’t see anything weird about being a little physically shy on a second date. Even if you have known each other for years (which, from what I gather from your OP, you haven’t).

7

To be blunt, it sounds like your interest in this girl is for primarily sexual reasons (nothing wrong with that). But it’s both clear that she has not got the same relationship driver as you, and that you are unlikely to be patient enough with her to find out why she is reluctant to be so intimate with you early on.

I say, be nice to this girl and leave her alone. Chances are she is not sexually experienced, and to be honest, a guy who is only interested in getting into her pants is probably not the first experience she should have to develop into a woman comfortable with her sexuality. If you want a root, sounds like you’ve had no problems finding that elsewhere.

OK, that’s harsh, will give you the benefit of the doubt. If you are actutally really interested in her for other reasons, be patient. The more you push her, the more you will drive her away, and make yourself frustrated. Take the time to get to know her, and when she’s comfortable, she’ll let you know.

There may be many reasons why she’s reluctant - lack of experience, religion, parental pressure, cultural reasons, her own morals etc. If you cared about her like you say you do, you’d want to know her as the whole person she is. And if not, take part 1 of my advice!

8

We’ve known each other non-socially for a year and a half.

I’m not complaining about the lack of contact itself… but what it might mean. Also its not only lack of physical contact… but a certain atitude…

I certainly do value her looks maybe a bit much… but from what I’ve known of her there is certainly more than looks attracting me. I wouldn’t even kiss a dumb girl for example. Though I certainly wouldn’t want to start a relationship with low intimacy… ever… its just not healthy.

If it is extreme shyness… any tips ? What scares her more ? What would help her feel more at ease ? What are the not obvious “do nots” ?

I don't want her traumatized by my "sex monster persona". I was once shy and had problems with physical contact a long time ago... but once the ice was broken (first kiss) I never acted the way she does. With others I'm quite reserved and private... but never with my GFs... quite the contrary.
9

Thanks Girl from Mars, for being blunt and honest too.

How do I avoid being overbearing vs. being too careful ?

Even if we do fall madly in love (tm) I sure would have to be careful with her... she obviously is a bit locked up and I have zero experience with this situation. I want to tread carefully but I don't know well how that is done. 

I'll try to figure what my feelings are about getting involved for sure. Still its the shock of the "cold" that got me...
10

This is the thing - why are you seeing this as being “locked up”? From your description she doesn’t sound extremely shy, or extremely locked up - she sounds perfectly normal. Granted it’s not something you’re used to, but it’s not like the woman wore chain mail and stared at her toes all night.

11

Well, not all girls like to have sex on the second date, you know. She’s more likely to be reserved than frigid; just because she’s not the type you usually date doesn’t mean she’s abnormal. Cool down, back off, and she’ll probably be more comfortable around you.

12

I can’t help but be reminded of the shy, skinny girl in Spider-man 2 - the daughter of the landlord. :smiley: Photo

13

Be attentive and affectionate - but don’t push her further than she wants to go. Call her regularly, hold her hand, gentle kisses, stroke her hair - all while talking to her and really listening to her. You’re trying to build trust, and these things will help show you are romantically interested, but respecting her boundaries. This will feel odd and slow to you, but hey, look on it as a learning experience. And as I said before, you’ll soon learn whether you are dealing with ‘shy and inexperienced’, or ‘has hangups’. But be a gentleman to her which ever option it is.

I second other people’s opinions here - she’s more than likely normal, and you have hung out with more sexually aggressive people in the past. Once she trusts you and feels comfortable, I think this should not be a problem.

14

I sure hope so Martian Girl… thanks for the responses… I’ll update when I get into more trouble ! :slight_smile:

15

As others have said, she sounds normal to me. Maybe she (gasp) isn’t comfortable with getting very physical right up front. Maybe she wants to take that part slower than you do. Perhaps she even wants to get to know you better before making out. If so, then being aggressive will just turn her off and convince her that you’re not the kind of guy she wants.

And what will you do if it turns out that she wants to wait to have sex until…oh, say a year? Or that she’s waiting until she gets married?

16

That’s a good question.

This girl sounds a little shy and sheltered (the being so close to her mother might indicate that she’s sheltered and more “old fashioned”). Not frigid, not abnormal, but if she’s been an ugly duckling then she’s probably been treated differently in the past (overlooked because she was “plain”). Now she’s a hottie and it’s quite an adjustment. Guys who wouldn’t pay attention to her before are giving her attention. She’s wondering if all they want to do is get into her pants. She might be cautious because of this. Her mom might also be warning her to be cautious.

It sounds like your heart is in the right place with her, but be aware that she might be very old fashioned—might be expected (by her mother) to “wait until marriage.” If you are not into that, then you might want to look elsewhere.

17

It sounds like she likes you - she’s just not into the physical side of it quite yet. The thing to do is just follow her lead - if the hand near you is dangling at her side while the other hand is securely tucked in her pocket, go for it. If you’re walking and she edges close enough to brush against you, put your arm around her. If she’s keeping a little distance between you, don’t push it. When she relaxes, you’ll know.

I will say, though, that a girl doesn’t have totally innocent and pure to want to take things slowly. When I was in college, I had a bad habit of rushing into sex, and it just didn’t work out. There are people in the world who cannot have casual sex, and I’m one of them. So now I take it slow. And I’m going to be a little warier about touching in general, because I don’t want to take chances and lose my self-control. There are all kinds of reasons why a girl might not be comfortable with getting physical in a hurry. If you like her and she seems to like you, give it some time and see where it goes.

18

She sounds pretty normal to me too. You’ve had two dates, correct? That’s not enough time for many women to start getting physical. Also, it’s totally normal to be a bit nervous about getting physical when you’re not all that used to it.

One other thing to think about: where are you when you touch her and she tenses up? Are you in public? I hate, hate, hate being touched in public. Always have. I don’t mind holding hands or the arm around the shoulder thing, but someone carressing me or kissing me in public (other than a quick peck) just bug me.

Finally, she may just not be from a touchy family and may not be used to much physical contact. My family is very loving, but we’re not really into hugs or pats or anything. It just feels weird when someone touches me for the first few times. Not always unwelcome, just unusual.

19

First of all… do please indicate what gender you are !! Some of the nicks are hard to figure. :slight_smile:

If she says straight out: “no sex until marriage” I will probably give up. Not because I would require/demand the sex… but that I just can’t bear artificial limitations on human feelings. I hate religious bigotry. I really think female emancipation and equality requires discarding what I perceive as discriminatory limitations on women. Whilst men can sleep around.

If she says 1 year… well who knows. Again if its her comfort margin… then I’m fine with it. I want some time to adapt too. If its some silly religious thing… forget it. That would mean that even in 10 years she wouldn’t be comfortable with herself IM biased O.

Maddy… I’ve avoided the touching in public for sure… even I am a bit reserved about that initially. We are still getting to know each other. I must add that she seems way more comfortable talking about some things through MSN… wierd to me… but sure seems shyness.

Still a part of me dreads these beggining of relationships. Ever notice how much effort we put in hiding our defects… on putting our best looks and careful about not saying anything wrong ? It feels false sometimes… I really feel more comfortable once things have become more regular maybe ?

Yesterday due to the comments here I remembered why I'm so paralyzed by this whole thing... I forgot about my first girlfriend who was a total ice cube... even in private. No sex of course. The atitude is too similar... and she was also a regular catholic... yikes ! Just remembering it made me shiver...
20

Curiosity: I think my first post in the SMDB years ago was about this first girl… it was about my realization of how gays live their romances: No touching, no kissing, no displays of affection… horrible ! It certainly made me sympathsize with having to hide one’s relationship. Ever since I’m strongly against gay discrimination… all due to a wierdo chick.