Dating advice / frustration.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a real awesome woman that’s been great fun to hang around with. We met at our weekly social-dance meet. I had known who she was for a few months, but about three weeks ago we began to chat. The amount of similar interests we had astonished me! Music, activities, background, taste in literature and movies, and dance. So I asked her out for coffee. She agreed.

Our first coffee date was amazing, we went for coffee and before we knew it the shop was closing and we were there with the Janitors. We went for a walk, kissed under the moonlight (awww) and departed feeling elevated! Three more great dates happened with similar results (a board game night, a dance meet, and a movie night).

So last night I was very excited. It’s the long weekend and we had tickets to a concert. Just like before everything went awesome. Lots of good talk, some great kisses, and mutual physical contact (I felt she was initiating touching as much as I was). I was beside myself thinking how I found someone absolutely incredible. We walked home to her place for tea.

After some conversation and relaxing on the couch. I proposed spending the night. This was out of her comfort zone though. She had some nervous laughter and said how she likes to take things slow, and that she’s a bit of a “prude” (I complimented her by saying she has standards). I replied saying it didn’t have to be anything sexual, just that we both were on a long weekend and it was an opportunity for us to be together without our busy work-schedules getting in the way. She mentioned how much of an introvert she is and how challenging it is for her to go out and do activities let alone having a guy stay over (which is odd, she told me she lived with a boyfriend at one point). Anyways, we kinda just chilled out on the couch for a little while longer until she got tired and wanted me to go home. She drove me home, we kissed goodnight, and while the look on my face was strong, I’m sure she caught the disappointment in my eyes.

Am I expecting too much at this stage? I’m not the kind of guy to push physical intimacy on someone unless I’m getting reciprocal signs. She is awesome in every way, but physical intimacy is something I want. I did tell her I’d be willing be patient.
I wonder for how long though? I still have fun around her so I’d like to keep hanging out with her and see what happens. I’m 31, and I feel life is short. I think she is about 26. I wonder if she values time the same way.

Dating! So challenging! :smack: Thanks for the help.

2

Just take it easy and let things work out on their own. Give her some more time, and don’t pressure her.

3

Asking to spend the night was a bit much. Let that happen naturally. She sounds like a good catch though. Take your time and see what happens.

4

Hi Quasi!

She is telling you pretty clearly what she wants, so now it’s up to you to listen. By my count, you’ve had five dates in three weeks, including one open ended at-home hangout.

That is moving pretty fast. I’d slow things down, try not to be too available, and actively keep your options open.

5

This is totally, totally a real thing and should be respected. And don’t hold it against her that she lived with a boyfriend at one point - cuz she doesn’t anymore. Probably part of that is because for her being around other people all the time is exhausting.

If she is that way and you are clingy and/or needy, you’d better start cooling your jets now or this isn’t going to last long at all, no matter how much fun you seem to be having. She is how she is and you gotta respect that. If you are how you are, that’s fine too. But don’t be all confused when your ideas about personal space don’t mesh.

6

Yes, I think you are expecting too much too soon. You are 31, not 71. You have plenty of time for a physical relationship. Yes, I know you’ve been looking for someone for a long time but, please, be patient a little longer and give this lovely girl a bit more time. When the men I dated pushed for more of a physical relationship, usually by the second or third date, to me it translated into: “Yeah, I’m having a good time with you but what I really want is sex. Spending nonsexual time with you just isn’t enough anymore.” I think most women (and men, for that matter) want to know that a potential partner truly likes them and enjoys being with them for who they are, not the sexual pleasure that they can provide, before becoming intimate. And, please, no woman is going to believe you when you ask to spend the night and say “but we don’t have to have sex.” Yeah, right. :dubious:

When a woman says she is an introvert, finds it challenging to go out and has trouble imagining a man staying over, it is a clear signal, IMO, for you to GO SLOW! Just because she lived with a boyfriend before doesn’t mean she’s in any hurry to do it again. In fact, she may have learned alot about herself during that experience and has decided to take future relationships at a different pace. I have lived with three husbands over the last 45 years and have learned that I don’t want to live with anyone ever again. I’m not saying that that is what she’s decided, but she’s clearly saying that she wants to proceed slowly and thoughtfully.

You say you are being “strong.” I suggest that instead you be** respectful**. If you care about her, and want any kind of future, stop thinking about yourself and what you want and listen to her. I don’t mean that you should be a doormat or kowtow to her every whim or wish. I do mean that you should let her set the pace for the relationship, especiallly the physical part. IME, the things that send quality women fleeing are pushing for a physical relationship too soon, trying to spend every minute with her, and pushing for commitment too early. Sounds like you’ve done two out of three, at least to some degree, already. Stop it.

If you want to win this girl, show her that you care about her, the person, and will honor her comfort zone.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

7

If the Dope had a “like” button, I’d use it for this post. Well said, ZipperJJ.

8

You saved me all that typing. :slight_smile:

Cool yer jets, son - let her initiate some physical intimacy with you. You’re trying to convince us (and yourself) that this isn’t about trying to get her to have sex with you, but that’s what I was reading in your OP. No wonder she isn’t buying it. What I was reading was, “Okay, we’ve had three dates already - where’s my sex?”

9

I pressed send before I was done with my unsolicited advice! Everything below is wild speculation, so take it for what it’s worth.

A pattern I’ve seen with you is dating younger women, and then being surprised when they don’t know what they want.

While there are always exceptions, I suspect this will continue to be an issue because you are an “older” thirty one year old (improving rather than establishing a career, thinking about buying property, establishing savings) and you are choosing assessing your dates by younger criteria (music, hobbies, bullshitting sessions) rather than the criteria that tends to matter to more mature women (family goals, careers that intermesh, and a shared set of values).

Which is fine, but for most people nowadays there is a pretty big switch that flips somewhere between the mid twenties and early thirties. In my mid-20s, I might have spend months considering if I was going to sleep with a guy. By my early thirties, I could meet a guy and know immediately whether or not we were going to get married. It’s mostly a function of experience as well as a healthy dose of not having as much time to screw around.

Anyway, slow down with this woman and see where it goes. But if you continue not to find what you are looking for, I suggest taking a good examination of what criteria you are using to choose dates. In my experience, two people can have basically zero hobbies or interests in common and have a happy marriage if they have compatible goals and temperaments.

10

I know it’s difficult, but you need to make sure you’re not making her feel crowded. That crowded feeling is overwhelming and stressful, especially if she thinks you’re into her way more than she’s into you. Nothing kills chemistry more than this feeling.

The part in bold jumped out at me. Did she invite you over to her place? Meaning, did she freely request that you come over for tea without any prior hinting or asking on your part? Or was it one of those dealies where you guys were kind of standing/sitting around and the subject of what to do next came up, and you said “I could come over?” and she said sure (perhaps just to be nice)?

If the latter, then this could’ve pushed her out of her comfort zone; be careful not to let this happen again. No one likes to feel obligated to do something that inconveniences them simply to avoid the negative feeling caused by saying no. You don’t want her associating you with those feelings. I’m an introvert who dislikes spontaneous visits to my crib, but I hating people’s feelings even more, so I could totally see myself in her position.

And also, try not to hang around her place so long that she has to ask you to leave. At this stage, it is always better to leave her wanting more of you, not less. I’m not saying play hard to get. Just be aware that she’s a person who needs and likes plenty of space. The more that you exist as a mysterious and fascinating memory in her mind, the more intrigued she’ll be and the more she’ll crave your attention. You deny her this opportunity when she never gets a chance to miss you.

11

Since you’re looking for opinions/advice, moved to IMHO, our forum for opinions and advice (from MPSIMS).

12

Ok thanks! I honestly have given her lots of space and that was the most forward thing I have done so far. I only message her to ask her out, and we have usually 5 days between seeing each other. Most of my other experiences have moved quicker, and it seems many “advice” column suggest something should happen around the fifth time (I also thought I had gotten a sign from her last time). I needed this advice. Thank you again.

13

As a second question. Is it worth me apologizing for being to forward? Or should i just “cool my jets” and see what happens?

14

You could say something like “I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable, and if I did, I apologize. I really like you and I think we might have a real connection, and I want you to know that we won’t get intimate unless and until you’re absolutely ready for it.”

I’ve always been the straight-forward type, so if those sentiments are accurate for you, I think she would respond well to it.

15

Just cool your jets and move on. I’m sure she doesn’t want to be reminded of how she disappointed you.

If you really want to get laid, go find another girl that will give it up quicker. You’re not dating this first girl exclusively yet (at least I hope you aren’t!).

16

No apologies. I think that’s shows you are way over-thinking and in a way it crowds her even more. I mean, I am the queen of over-thinking myself, so I can’t say I blame you. But I think it’s best not to put the over-thinking on the romantic interest - keep it to yourself (and your friends, and the Dope). Play it cool, let her come to you. See other girls if you can, though me personally if there’s someone I’m really interested in I can’t manage dates with others. That’s okay too, if that’s your character. But in that case find lots of stuff to do with friends, hobbies, work etc to keep you from thinking too much about the girl situation.

17

I’m sort of in the camp where I’m happy to be exclusive with her until she makes up her mind…my life’s too busy for multiple women right now anyways! lol! I’m trying to remember advice given to me which has been really good for me…“just continue to be awesome”. :slight_smile: Back to practicing for the musical I’m in! I think maybe the next time I invite her out it will be just to an activity in public for fun.

18

I would also say no apologies necessary - just let her make the next move. Your actions will show her that you’re not a, “C’mon, baby, you know guys have gotta have it!” kind of guy. :slight_smile:

19

I think the important thing to emphasize here is how much you value her for who she is, and that it’s not about “we hit date #5 so it’s time for my sex.” Because I read your OP with a shudder. Had I been the woman in your scenario, I would be assuming he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said yet, and cares little to nothing about who I am or what’s important to me – he’s just all about the sexy times. I hate being seen as a walking vagina who is supposed to accept any penis that wants in. She is a whole person, with needs and feelings and thoughts. You should let her know you see her that way.

20

You are 31, dude. You have a long time before it makes sense for you to justify your longing for physical intimacy with “life is short”. Unless you’ve got a terminal illness or something. Stop with the “I’m old!” stuff and relax a little. :slight_smile:

Your girl might have been on her period or something. Or she may have actually been telling the truth by saying she’s an introvert and needs her space. To be honest, if she’s having to tell you this, she’s basically letting you know in the nicest way possible to stop sweating her.

But no, I wouldn’t apologize. It was probably just as awkward for her as it was for you, and an apology’s just going to make her feel guilty. Live and let live and try to learn from it. She wasn’t sending you mixed signals. She was just doing what she wanted to do.