I think the best thing I can do is to give her the space she wants. I really really like her beyond physical intimacy. She’s an amazing person! I actually was able to have a conversation about music theory with her in the context of arranging band music! How many of those people come along?! Now I’m face-palming myself for going against my new and better dating philosophy of “just have fun”. :smack:
I’ll buck the trend and say it wouldn’t hurt to apologize as long as you did it casually and light-heartedly.
At the end of your next date, I suggest making things as low pressure as you possibly can without being unfriendly. Throw out a hint early on that you can’t stay out too late due to other commitments. Try to give her a reason to think you think won’t be sitting on her couch again or begging her to come over to your place.
Basically what the others have said - cool it - NOW.
Don’t apologize
Don’t push
Don’t even act like you care
Jerk off before hand next time if you have too.
Let her make the next move as far as spending the night or whatever.
I think your idea for the next date in a public place just for fun is EXACTLY what you need to do. Heck - make it so you couldn’t even (reasonably) have sex (schedule date before something else you have to do).
That way she knows you aren’t going to be pressuring her for sex, you both can have a good time, and let things evolve naturally. The less you seem to be luring her into bed - the quicker she will get there.
I think too it would be best to invite her to an event I’m going to go to anyways so as to keep the pressure low.
Definitely don’t apologize. You don’t want to make a big deal out of it, which is going to feel like even more pressure and awkwardness. Just keep rolling along how you were, but letting her take full lead with the physicality.
I also agree it’s a good idea to try having some extra-curricular dates, perhaps with someone more frisky. It’s a lot of work, but it’s the best way not to get over invested in something that is still a pretty big unknown. More importantly, it will take some of the pressure off of her.
From a friendly advice perspective, if you don’t know how old she is I’d say it’s a bad idea. I myself am one for abstinence, so I can’t really help out much more than that.
What others have said. Dont smother. Dont push to hard. Dont push sex. Remember after you have sex the relationship is never the same.
Work on building the friendship first. Friendship is the basis for a relationship.
If she really wanted to have sex by now she would have initiated it.
One last piece of advice. Don’t make a big show of admiring her wanting to take it slow. There are a lot of positive reasons for moving slowly sexually, but there are a lot of negative reasons as well. Until you know her outlook better, don’t pass judgment on it either way.
I had a similar experience when I was around 30. Bottom line was she wasn’t established careerwise and really wasn’t sure what she wanted. Being in a relationship wan’t something she could handle. Age is less important than where they are as far as becoming established. I met someone who was only a year older and knew what she wanted, and she ended up being the one. I know what it’s like to be over 30 and wanting to settle down, but I found that when I stopped thinking about making something happen it happened.
Just relax and don’t be a weirdo. Don’t fucking apologize for asking to stay over, don’t act like she’s your soul mate, just act like a normal person. You’re off to a good start, getting all weird about it is just gonna fuck things up.
Edit: Just look at my signature!
Bolding mine. Cleaning the pipes is great advice. The best way to act as though you don’t need it is to feel as though you don’t need it.
Yes, yes, and yes.
And when she’s ready to have sex, she’ll initiate it. When she’s ready to have you stay over, she’ll tell you. The important words to remember: WHEN SHE’S READY.
NM
Ditto!
I agree that a fun no-pressure date would be a good idea, but don’t overcorrect either. If you swing too wildly in the direction away from possible intimacy, she’s going to think you’ve “friend-zoned” her (yes, it can happen to women too) or that you’re pissy about being turned down the first time and being weird about it. So definitely plan something low-pressure, but don’t make your next 3 dates that way if you get my meaning.
If you ask someone to spend the night and they say no insisting makes you look like a jerk.
Just putting this out there, as a female I am never going to initiate first sexual contact.
…and apologizing and telling them that they are in control of the timeline is still pressuring them, it makes you look like a “clock-watcher” with a goal in mind that only they can provide.
Not always. In fact, I’d go so far as to say “rarely.”
This.
I don’t think the OP is unreasonable in wanting to understand the situation. Sex is an important part of an adult relationship, and at some point one needs to know what to expect. I don’t think that point is necessarily three weeks in, but it’s probably before becoming exclusive.
There is a pretty big range from “I just like to take it slow” to “I’m a fundamentalist who will only have sex within marriage” to “I have an extremely low sex drive and am rarely interest” to “I have a sexually transmitted disease” to “I have sexual issues related to some kind of trauma” to “Oh, I forgot to shave that night” to “I like kissing you, but mostly I’m just trying to make my ex jealous.”
All of these have vastly different implications for the relationship, and it’s a sign on compatibility and maturity to be able to face those issues candidly. Again, I’m not sure that needs to happen right away, but the point for that is coming sooner than later. Women aren’t delicate little creatures who should never be exposed to the S word. We are perfectly capable of owning our sexuality and communicating our needs to people who we are otherwise intimate with.