Why not? I don’t necessarily mean to ask why it might not be your personal preference, but why “as a female” not? OneCentStamp, you seconded, so I’m curious what you think as well.
In the back of my mind I sometimes have to fight off the notion that (partially) women don’t really like sex, but mostly that they don’t like men, thus we have to be incredibly sly and suave in order to convince them to do things that they really don’t want to do. I realize, of course, that this is fueled by a host of wrong media messages, from Warner Brothers cartoons in which the female is always running away, to so many stand-up comediennes bashing men. The message seems to be that “If you dare touch her at the wrong time, she’ll slap you, or worse, and then tell everyone you’re a sleaze/creep/one who comes on too strong!”
I know this isn’t true, both from women’s own expressed sentiments, and my own limited personal experience. They do initiate, and it’s wonderful. I was shocked the first time, and the next, five years later, not because I thought women didn’t do that, but because I didn’t think anyone would do that with me.
That being said, you are back on track, it seems, so, keep it up.
And, no apology. You’d look like a pud. Besides, communication was achieved: she knows you’re a horndog, and it didn’t scare her off, and you know that she’s a prude, and that didn’t scare you off.
I would echo the people who urge to “take it slow”. If after a few dates, however, you find that you want to proceed much quicker than she is comfortable with, you might want to evaluate if you are compatible in the…you know…crotchular region.
Douchebag advice: now you turn distant and cold. Play off her insecurity and make her think she will lose you if she doesn’t sleep with you. I wouldn’t call or text for 3 days.
Nice-Guy Advice: continue to play softball and let her dictate the relationship. Keep dreaming that she will initiate the first sexual encounter (will never happen).
I am not saying I never initiate sex. Just not first sexual contact. I like sex. I am not a prude. But if a guy doesn’t want it, I’m not begging him. If he doesn’t initiate, he obviously isn’t thinking of me in sexual terms. And maybe it’s my upbringing, but it feels hardwired in me, that I want to be pursued. I am not going to chase or beg any dude for sex. I have a vagina, I don’t need too.
Obviously I have only my own anecdotal data on which to draw here, but in my experience the woman practically never initiates or escalates the physical relationship. When we got to first base, second base, third base, or home, it was almost invariably because I either asked, or just made the move. I’m not saying that women in question weren’t into it (usually enthusiastically), just that I don’t know how soon those things would have happened, if at all, if I had waited for them to initiate.
My gut tells me that in most cases, if I had simply waited for them to initiate, they never would have done so, and in fact would have started to wonder if I was even interested.
Conversely, in those uncommon cases where a girl flat-out grabbed my hand and put it somewhere, or straight-out asked me to fuck them, I generally felt a mixture of elation, surprise, and just a hint of “what’s wrong here?”
Once a new level of intimacy is established, it’s different. For example, once I’d kissed a girl, it was perfectly fine for her to kiss me first the next time. In another example, my wife initiates sex at least as often as I do. But I’ve almost never been in a situation where the woman was the instigator.
ETA: Wow, could I have used any more qualifying adjectives here? Can you tell I’m not entirely comfortable with this conversation?
Also, introverts like to hear personal stories of emotional significance. Relay a tale of yourself overcoming a major challenge in your life, and she will open up emotionally and sexually. That level of trust that introverts seek requires you exposing emotion. Not in a I really really like you and want to be with you way, but rather a this was a difficult time for me but I overcame it and learned what really matters in life sorta way. In other words, don’t make it about her.
Looks like I’ve officially been dumped. Another shitty choice on my part. I feel like crap, I always screw these things up. You’re all correct, I pushed too hard. But I wish I could be forgiven for my mistakes. It seems like I have to be perfect all the time, and there’s no room for any error. I really liked who she was. I don’t know how much more I can keep going through the emotional wringer like this. I know I only dated her for a few weeks, but I really did like her and felt like she may have been someone special. Sucks to be me. I should probably get used to being alone. Sounds drastic but thats how I feel.
I’d be careful blaming everything on “a mistake”. It’s not you like, you make a mistake and you “fail” and if you had made a correct move it would have been sunshine and roses. Yes, you can work on how you deal with these things, but I think it is probably more a case of “wasn’t meant to be”, i.e. that she wasn’t super into you “that way” from the start, than that you screwed it up by making a wrong move.
In any case, I totally know where you are coming from and you totally entitled to a shit mood. Hope someone who is totally unambiguously into you appears in you life. For now, just sympathy.
That said, I think the poster above is probably right. When a relationship is meant to be, and based on strong mutual attraction combined with a fundamental compatibility, it’s not something you can “screw up” with one or two missteps. It’s not like a video game where you lose the level if you mess up. It’s all about finding that person who you are truly compatible with, and in a way breakups are kind of a blessing because they free you to stop wasting your time with someone for whom that’s not there and find the one who is a good match.
And not to beat a dead horse, but the average age of first marriage for college educated women in the US is 30, and long courtships are out of fashion. The chances of any given 26 year old being interested in a serious relationship of any type-- especially if she is smart and ambitious-- is relatively low.
When I was 30 I dated at 26 year old, got dumped, and felt the same way you I’d (even using a lot of the same words). Less than a year later I met someone more established (at a party I almost didn’t go to) and ending up marrying her. Nobody could have convinced me it was a possibility at the time, but there it is.
Thanks guys, I had a rough sleep last night, but my resilient nature is beginning to kick in. Going to work helps. I messaged her a few days after to let her know I was going to be at dance (I go every week; a social activity we both enjoy in public with no chance of either of us ending up at the other’s place). She didn’t make it, I then messaged her again a day later asking her to she if she wanted to go out for supper and that I would be at Saturday dance. She then mentioned she would try to be at dance though she wasn’t feeling well, but ignored the supper question. Me being frustrated and not wanting to be strung along, messaged her casually last night asking how she was feeling (not about us, about being sick). I then got the message about how she likes hanging out with me, but that the problems were at the physical level (like you all said).
I sent one last reply last night saying that I wanted to apologize for my previous interaction but I didn’t know how to go about it correctly. I said I should have respected her personal space more and that I’m not always the best at determining how a person is feeling in that regard (as in should I be leading / insisting, or should I let the woman take the lead?). Anyways I left the door open in that if she accepts my apology and she feels she can trust me to try again I’d be happy to keep seeing her, otherwise though I’d like to have some space of my own so I can reset myself.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You asked for sex, she declined, you backed off - nothing wrong with any of that. I agree with the others that this is just a basic incompatibility, unfortunately.
I also think that the age difference might be a stumbling block. I wasn’t ready to settle down at 26; I was ready to settle down at 31. Those five years make a huge difference at that age.
Chin up, big fella - there’s a lid out there somewhere for your pot.
Yeah, it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s quite likely the outcome would have been the same regardless of your forwardness, so try not to overthink this. Better she tell you the truth now than have this draw out any longer.
If I might make a suggestion, it probably won’t hurt to look for dates outside your dance group and other recurring social activities. It will cut down out on the awkwardness of having to regularly interact with someone who rejected you (and it’s not a picnic for the other person either). Also, it helps create extra private space for each other. Dating someone who also pops up at other events can cause that “OMG, I can’t get away from this guy!” feeling that can make an introvert feel smothered and tracked.
It’s definitely not because you asked for sex after 5 dates. It’s cause you asked for sex. You just gotta go for it, especially if she’s never going to initiate anything. You put the ball in her court and gave her all this time to think about it. She convinced herself your not attractive. Ugly guys get laid because they make women forget they’re ugly. (Not saying your ugly)
Also: you text too much and express your feelings too much. This makes you the always-available nice-guy who always ends up finishing last.
Dude - I feel bad for you - everyone has been where you are and it isn’t fun, but it is obvious that you are being to aggressive/needy (not trying to be mean here).
Yes it is excruciating waiting to hear back from a woman you are interested in, but you need to wait for them to respond. If you invite someone to a dance and they don’t make it - they aren’t interested in you. If they were they would say “sorry - can’t make it - how about Friday.” Stop texting women when it their move. You will get nowhere.
You are basically taking any guesswork out of this - they know 100% you are interested and immediately stop thinking “hey does he like me?”/“I wonder what he thinks of me” and go to “geeze do I really want this”. They almost immediately shut down any effort to try and attract you - as it become 100% obvious the choice is ALL theirs. They can have you - or not - and it is ALL UP TO THEM.
Think about yourself and maybe girls that you weren’t interested in that came on to you. Once you know you can go out with them - you immediately change your perspective.
Of course there are some women who know matter what you do won’t be interested in you - then it doesn’t matter what you do - or if you listen to what I or anyone else says (except for how it might appear to others that are watching). Then there are the women who pretty much would be interested in you no matter what. They should be obvious fairly early on - and again - what you do won’t matter too much. You want to think about those on the border. They might give you a chance - IF YOU SEEM NONTHREATENING.
You do not (and I don’t mean this like you are a stalker or violent or something) - I mean you aren’t coming off as easy going - don’t really care too much what they do.
I suggest you take the additive of “hey - I’d love to go out with you and for us to get to know each other, but if you say no - I won’t be hurt and life will go on.” Most women don’t like rejecting guys - especially guys that are nice to them. But they are more likely to clamp down hard on guys that seem like they might take things poorly - or seem a little too eager.
If you come across as “hey you could go out with me and if you aren’t interested - I will not show up on your lawn with a boom box and I will be 100% ok with it and we can laugh about it later” - they are more likely to give you a chance.
I highly suggest in the future - no matter how much it hurts - you do not text a girl twice in a row.
If you text her and she doesn’t show up somewhere - it is up to her to make the next move. They absolutely will if they are interested. I’ve had women (and I’m no special catch mind you) - text me months and even over a year later. I am positive (cause they basically told me) that it was in part due to me just leaving them be for whatever they were going through at the time.
Sometimes people are seeing someone else, thinking about seeing someone else, going through a hard time - whatever. There are many reasons someone might not be into you right now - but maybe a week or two later - she might text back. When they do - act like it’s no big deal. If they apologize - just say “no worries - I figured aliens got you” - or something like that.
Did she actually say that the problems were at the “physical level” or did she say something like “I didn’t feel that spark” or “I didn’t feel any chemistry”?
Either way - try not to let this get you down. If you can afford it - go out and treat yourself to something nice - or do something for someone else without any expectation - something to keep your spirits high.
But for now - do NOT text her AT ALL - unless she texts you first - or asks you specifically to do so. When you see her - do not act in the least gloomy - and don’t approach her - smile at her and talk with someone else. Let her come to you.
Another suggestion - Also Next time you are in this situation try and make some goal for how you will behave with regards to messaging and the like. If you agree with what I’ve said - then make it your goal not to text her until she texts you back. Try and stick with it. I would (almost) bet you money you will do much better just simply waiting for them to text back.
You’re all correct, I pushed too hard. But I wish I could be forgiven for my mistakes. It seems like I have to be perfect all the time, and there’s no room for any error. I really liked who she was. I don’t know how much more I can keep going through the emotional wringer like this. I know I only dated her for a few weeks, but I really did like her and felt like she may have been someone special. Sucks to be me. I should probably get used to being alone. Sounds drastic but thats how I feel. 
