Dating Question

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve already been over this with my friends. I am no fool and I know the answer to the question. But with dating, you’re confusion can be tough to deal with until everything straightens itself out, and opinions can help with the process. Anyway, here’s the situation.

I went on two dates with a girl from online dating (i’m mid twenties). First date was great. We went to two bars, watched a movie, made out. Awesome date. She said let me know if you wanna do it again. Second date was close to this past Xmas. I was going away and told her we either get together in the next couple of days or will have to wait until after Xmas and New Years. She invited me to a show she had to go to for school, and then we’d get a drink after for an hour before she had to run off to practice for something (she is a busy person). I agreed. We had another great date. I walked her to her train at the end and she kissed me (which I did not expect after such a quick, harmless date), and said to text her when I got back. I did text her and she told me she was away for New Years at a wedding shower and we’d talk when she was back. I texted her a couple of days after New Years. She said she was feeling sick and work had been going crazy. I told her I’d get in touch after a couple of days. Days later, I asked again how she was feeling, (it was four days later), and again she said still shitty and work was just nuts. I then laid it out there: I said, it looks like you’re not gonna be free, am I just not taking “the hint?” She said, “ha ha, no no, it’s been a rough week.” I said I would try again to ask her out, if it was okay with her, because I had a lot of fun on our first two dates. She replied, Me too. I said, good, talk to you soon.

Now before I end this, I will say again that I know the answer. I was planning on waiting a week, let some time pass, and ask again. If I get the run around, then I move on, if not, then great. I know the conventional wisdom is that if she wanted to see me, she’d make time, the excuses, blah, blah. But at the same time, all the other signs point to her just being busy, and I find nothing in her actions to suggest she’s just afraid to tell me (she even said on our first date that people who aren’t honest about not wanting to go out are just assholes). So what do you, message board responders, have to say? It helps me just to read opinions. We connected very well and I haven’t had a girlfriend in quite some time. I’m lonely is the thing here.

2

The ball is in her court. You need to not contact her until she contacts you first. Trying to divine her thoughts is fruitless, you have to let her actions speak.

3

Normally, in that situation you have to not just assume the ball is in her court but specifically put it there. That is, instead of saying that you’ll see how she is in a few days, say “Well, call or text me if you want to meet up again”. Something like that. You’ve put it on HER to call YOU. As of right now, if she really is busy and feels shitty, when she gets better, she’s going to be waiting for you to call, but you don’t want to bother her. If you put it on her, if she really is busy and doesn’t feel good, she’ll call you when she’s ready, if she’s blowing you off, you can just move on without having to worry about being strung along.

You haven’t seen her or set up a date in almost two weeks, I’d move on (and see if she’s back on the dating sites). If you want to send her one last text, just say something like “Hope work has calmed down and you’re feeling better. Text/Call me if you’re up for dinner this week” and leave it at that. Don’t respond to “ha ha okay” or “sounds good” or “feeling better”. The only thing you should respond to is “How about Tuesday”.

At least that’s my advice.

4

It sounds to me that there is a good chance that she really was sick and unusually busy. It was the holiday season, so things can go a little haywire.

I’d wait a few days and ask her out again. If she doesn’t commit to a date, as Joey said, put the ball specifically and clearly in her court and move on.

Why would she have taken her profile down? :confused:

5

You know the answer already. I know you want someone to tell you it’s different this time. It probably isn’t, sorry. For some reason, women will almost never tell you when they don’t want to see you again, even if you ask them flat out. They prefer to just ignore your texts and calls. Maybe she met someone else in the meantime, you never know. But let her go. If you keep ruminating about it, it’ll just burn you up in the end.

6

I’m not saying she took it down, I’m meant to see if she’s back online. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that just because she’s gone out on a few dates with the OP doesn’t mean she can’t sign back on to OKC (or even go out on other dates), but OTOH, if she hasn’t signed on in two weeks that might also mean she really has been busy or really is interested in him.

In and of itself, it’s a somewhat meaningless metric, but with all the other data, it may (or may not) mean something.

7

I don’t see what the problem is. You signed up on a dating site and met a nice lady.
Why not continue to use the site to meet more ladies?

8

Wait and see. But you knew that. One, two, or three weeks, then call her. If you get a machine, leave a message asking her to call you. Then…

Wait and see.

That’s all you can or should do, I think.

9

Glad I don’t have to worry about dating anymore. Obviously hard to know from a second hand tale, I always prefer to give someone the benefit of the doubt. So like some others have suggested, I would contact her again to see how she’s doing, and see if she’s free. If you get the brush again, be very clear that further contact is up to her, ‘when she’s ready’, but don’t hold your breath.

10

Thanks everyone who has answered. All of what everyone said is valid and has been across my mind. I’ve already decided it’s dead in the water, even though I will ask again in a week. Dating does suck, but what doesn’t? Seriously though, thank you for helping me get it off my chest and to perform this exercise in futility. It helped.

11

It’s probably a blow off but not for sure. Wait a couple of days and ask her again. Make it specific like, “let’s go to see The Hobbit on Friday night.” If she says that Friday’s a bad night or she already saw The Hobbit, ask her for a counter idea. Then the ball’s squarely in her court and you can either move on or be pleasantly surprised.

12

Welcome to the SDMB, helpaguyout. Requests for advice and feedback go in our IMHO forum, whither I have moved this for you.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

13

If a woman or man really likes a guy or girl they will make time for them. Possibly something could develop in the future, but at this point despite her thinking you’re fun and OK that does not seem to be the case.

Having said this there is the aspect that a man’s being over eager is not turn on for many women. There is a fine line of confident and reserved interest that appeals to women and where that line is for any woman is up to the man to gauge.

You need to continue playing the field and stop investing so many expectations in her. While she thinks you’re OK it does not sound like there is a spark from her perspective.

14

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Follow up in a week or so, put the ball in her court, and in the meantime, open up your options. She could be genuinely busy. She could be having second thoughts. She could have a giant pimple on her face and be hiding out until it clears up. You have no way to know, but she has your number, so there isn’t much to do but wait.

In the meantime, get out there on more dates! It really is a numbers game.

15

A couple years ago, I (a guy) went out a couple of dates with a girl right before Christmas. We had a good time, and then both had travel plans over the holidays. When I got back, I just didn’t feel like going out with her again. I can’t even explain what changed myself - I’m sure she was even more baffled. I know it’s not a satisfying answer, but sometimes it happens…

But yeah, to echo what everyone else seems to be saying, reach out again in a week or so, put the ball squarely in her court, and move on.

16

I keep seeing this advice, given to myself and others, to get as many dates as possible. How does one do that, exactly? I have never been reticent about asking out women in person, but nothing ever comes of it. I tried going online, but it takes so long to find someone desirable, and then I almost never get any responses. I’ve rewritten my profile, and it didn’t really help.

When I tell friends (trouble there, too) and therapists that I just must be unappealing, they disagree. I don’t know what to do anymore, other than one plan. I do play an instrument, albeit amateurishly, and I am making some progress on collaborating with others. Women go crazy for guys in bands, right?

17

Go online again. Stop worrying about finding “desirable” people to date, and instead resolve to go on one date with everyone who will say yes to one. Send at least 3-5 short but personal messages a day, to every woman who comes up that isn’t completely repulsive. Message the "meh"s, message the “She’s a little old”, message the “a little plain”, message the “borings” and the "nutso"s Just keep sending messages, arranging dates, and taking it as it comes.

Don’t go on a second date with someone that you are not attracted to, but meet everyone for coffee.

18

That was my philosophy at first and I went on a ton of dates but it was a complete waste of my time. Of course my experience (and that of my male friends) is totally different than what I read on here. I’m still not sure if my world or Doperworld is the outlier. When I have a profile up, I don’t write to that many women but well more than half of them respond and I get emailed or a wink or whatever several times a month. I generally have a better time with the ones who approach me for some reason. The difference might be that I am middle aged since I know that things are very different for the younger people. Anyway, that’s enough humblebragging for now, but I strongly disagree that it’s a good idea to write to someone who you know from the outset isn’t going to be right for some reason.

19

You kind of glossed over what happens after you ask all these women out by saying “nothing ever comes of it”. Do they all say no? Go on a date and refuse a 2nd? There’s nothing wrong with online dating but if you’re asking women out in person without reticence and not getting dates it sounds like you might have something to work on.

20

If you really, really want to date this particular woman, maybe it’s time to stop with the texting and time to make the grand, dramatic gesture. Right now, you are just some guy fading into distant memory sending feeble messages.

You want to impress her? Go call a florist and send her a get-well bouquet with a note that says you miss her. If she told you she liked some particular type of flower, make sure to include it. Or if there was some other special interest that she confided in you, like a special brand of wine or candy or teddy bears or whatever, send her some.

If she was really on the edge about whether to see you again, the grand gesture might convince her that you are worth another try. If she just completely ignores it, then I think you need to move on.