She said it was the physical level. I generally left communication to one message every three - four days until this last week. Maybe I was needy this past week but I hate having things hang in the air. I don’t know. Is that needy? Or is that a person wanting to get things going and find out what’s going on?
This didn’t get included. I’ll take your advice though. It seems the rule is “The more you want something, the less you should want it.”
And well…the good news is that there’s another girl I’m interested in that seems interested in me…I’ll keep the messaging like a tennis game.
While that’s true, people kind of expect you to be clued in on your own. “Is tonight the night?!?”, “So we talking after 5 dates or 10?” or “Hey, let’s cuddle tonight. If you want anything more just let me know!” are signs of someone a little socially clueless.
And don’t message like a tennis game. Show some pride, dude. Every bit of communication isn’t a gift from God. See your own post at #62.
Lots of replies here from me. I’ve worked really hard on this “needy” thing so those comments hit close to home. I’ve talked to friends about it, and journaled about it. I’ve come a long way but I guess I need to go further. I’ve always been a very expressive emotional person (I am a musician after all), but I really start to see more and more why guys are generally more closed off and distant. Being very expressive is a downer and turns people off.
It seems I need to keep working on being stronger within myself to keep my feelings in or at least only express them to “safe” people. I think I have done a pretty good job in not getting too excited in potential women I meet, but I think this one really excited me and broke me down into my old habits (at least over the past week). Out of the past seven women I’ve dated (and before this year I had only ever dated really three people…so that is progress), she was the one I have been the most excited about. Out of the last seven, I have been dumped twice, I dumped one, and the rest were simply mutual lost interest. I have to remember the lessons from this particular experience. That if someone this exciting comes along again, keep my mouth mostly shut and the phone off. I did pretty good though until last weekend.
You’re me! I’m an expressive musician too. And I do the exact same thing. I am able to advise others, and I am able to apply my own advice when I’m not terribly interested, but as soon I as really like someone, it kind of goes out the window, I get agitated and I have to really tie my hands to not text someone all the time. Personally, I do agree with you on the “closure” thing, that is, sometimes when you feel it’s slipping away from you, it’s better to send a message to ask and be told than to be second guessing. Though once you’re told, stop. And I strongly believe that with the right person it will be easier.
Once every three to four days isn’t bad per se, but it depends on what you are doing.
If she has passively or actively rejected you in something - such as:
- doesn’t show up to a dance
- responds to part of what you asked, but not the part about dinner
- says she wants to take thing slow
You need to back off - big time
In other cases like her being sick - texting her in a few days to see how she is feeling is fine, but at that point it was probably too late anyway.
She was interested in you enough to go out with you a few times - so take comfort in that. Plenty of people aren’t even that lucky - and there is another girl interested in you.
I have been where you are - so have lots of guys. Hell I still feel needy at times. Not saying you are, but that is the impression I get from your posts and I bet at some level at least some women are picking up on that vibe.
Try not to think about things like “I don’t like to have things hang in the air”. Be honest with yourself - and don’t look at the next one as something that has to work. Try and think - “hey the chances of this person and I growing old together are pretty small. I just want to go out and have a good time and find out more about her. Hopefully she will have a good time too”.
Maybe for the heck of it watch the Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy called “Fake it 'til you become it”.
Oh and I think you are right in your summary about “the more you want something - the less you should want it”.
Oh and also it does suck if you feel like you’ve been working real hard and something bad happens. Keep in mind it might not have mattered what you did - and just try and do better next time.
One thing I used to do when dating was delete a dude’s number after texting, removing the ability to send another text until he replied. Helps quell the insecurity texts. It also encourages focusing on other prospects rather than just waiting around for one person to call.
You didn’t screw it up. Maybe, if you were really a virtuoso of the craft, you could have gotten the woman in bed. But from what you are saying, it just wasn’t meant to be. You liked her. She didn’t like you enough.
I really like the positive suggestions. I may try that Sven. I also feel I did a pretty good job overall, but I think you’re all right. She liked me to a point and it was then incompatible. I honestly have gone with the attitude of “Just have fun” but last weekend I broke my rule and perhaps just sped up the eventual ending.
As for this: doesn’t show up to a dance
- responds to part of what you asked, but not the part about dinner
- says she wants to take thing slow
Those only happened in the past week. Probably due to the past weekend. We we were pretty even keel until then.
I’ve been having a bit of a Walter Mitty year of growth. I think it’s made me a more desirable person to be with. (travelling, bungee jumping, parasailing, cave swimming, ziplining, losing and keeping off over 40 pounds of weight, playing lead guitar on stage in a rock musical, lots of dating, learning how to dance, new job, new wardrobe) I’m trying to stick with what another friend told me as well…“just keep being awesome”. I think I’ve attracted more women this year than in the previous thirty years. 
Also when she shows up at dance again, I am going to resume my philosophy of “just have fun and be awesome”. Whatever happens happens. People generally like dancing with me due to those rules even though I’m a beginner. It’s better to just live well than to dwell on things.