Some advice here... (female related)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I can’t exactly explain why, but this post borders on creepiness for me. Well, let me explain.

My parents started this YFU foreign exchange student thing this year, probably that feeling when all the kids are raised and they don’t like an empty house or something. They asked my advice, but I refrained from suggesting anything, and they picked, all by themselves, an 18 year old girl from Japan. Over the last 4 1/2 months or so, we have hung out and traveled as a family all together. On some weekends she hangs out with me and my friends, to dance clubs or a resturaunt, or to take her shopping. (she love shopping and starbucks, but not necessarily in that order). Now here is the thing: She is very outgoing, while I am an introvert that likes to break free, but generally cannot. She brings out that in me when I am around her, and I realized the other day that this girl should be a model for what type of woman I want. I don’t want to say I love this girl, because I really don’t know her that well and I am probably seeing only what I want to see.

Now I am 27, she is 18, so I know this is impossible between the two of us. Well, perhaps not impossible, but pretty close to it. There is another thing that looks bad. I love Japanese culture, the food, the art, the anime… you get the point. From an outsider this could look bad. The Asian girl moves in and the anime dork falls for her because she is Japanese.

The problem here is that I think I do like this girl a LOT. If only she were older… Well, this is assuming she feels more than friends with me, which I doubt. She has not come onto me, and we get along quite like brothers and sisters, and she calls me her “American Brother.” Anyhow, what should I do, suppress my feelings, which are my initial thoughs, and work on the platonic side of things, or should I go for something that will probably not come along again. I am 27, never married, and to be perfectly honest, most women don’t interest me in the slightest. I guess I am too picky, but I love intelligence, which is a must, and I want a girl that cares about her health and well being, and I prefer women that are outgoing and have lots of interests and energy. Being a quiet, homely type of guy I realize that this pairing is virtually impossible, given the sheer limited number of women with these qualities that I come into contact with. Except she is here (she fits all of the above and much more), and we hang out all the time, I feel no culture gap, and she comments all the time that she is lucky that I am her brother because she would go crazy in America.

What should I do? For the record, I have not hinted at all my feelings, or made any sort of moves, other than brotherly or friendly. She also has stated a few times she wants to go to college here in America, and suggested we roommate together if she goes to UMKC or a college in this area. I am starting to reach that point at which feel the urge to gaze at her for no reason in particular, and at tht point it becomes obvious. How do I suppress this further?

2

why do you want to suppress it? 18 years old and 27 years old might not be everyone’s ideal age range but it’s certainly not unheard of.

What would happen if you asked her out on a date?

3

I’m 27 and hooked up with a nice 18 year old girl. It didn’t work out, for various reasons (we don’t even live in the same city and she’s a freshman in college), but it wasn’t that weird (other than the fact that she was in my little brother’s high school class, so he probably thought it was strange).

If you are in the same location, etc., you never know. I’d go for it. Sounds to me like worst-case scenario, she isn’t the kind of person that things would be “weird” if it didn’t work out. Unless you’re obsessed in some sort of unhealthy way, which it doesn’t sound like you are.

4

Dude, it’s only 9 years. Sure, she’s young, and because of that it’ll be a harder row than normal (mostly for maturity and shared experiences) but in 20 years you’ll be 47 and she’ll be 38 and not one person in the world will care.

5

Exactly! My SO and I have known each other for nearly 23 years and I’ll be 47 this year and she’s 38. Nobody thinks anything of it now, but back then…
:dubious:

6

The age difference is barely worth bothering about. Don’t let that be the stumbling block. It’s only a problem if either of you think it is.

However, it kind of complicated things that she’s living with your parents (I take it you aren’t?). If she turns you down, or if any relationship goes bad, it might make things awkward for everyone, especially her.

7

Opposite viewpoint: as a former exchange student who had my host brother pursue me for most of the time I was there, I’d say please please back off and if anything happens, let her approach you. She could be really creeped out but just hiding it. She could just be being very nice and totally oblivious. Either way she is here to experience american culture and meet new friends, not to end up getting together with her host brother. Count me a resounding NO. You should not do this. It is wrong. I don’t mean because of the age difference, either. I hope you can understand this.

P.S. My host brother ended up hating me because I turned him down and dated some of his friends. It made the last few months of my time there very difficult. Please let this girl have a good exchange experience. It will change her life and if she loves you, she will let you know.

8

The fact that she repeatedly refers to you as her “brother” means you should back way the hell off. She either senses your feelings and is trying to get a message to you; or she does NOT have any of those same feelings whatsoever. Plus the fact that she has proposed becoming “roommates” if she should go to college near you. It sounds to me like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and if you push it, you are going to create a very uncomfortable situation, considering that she lives with your parents.

If she does return here for college and you still feel the same way, you can ask her out then. But don’t become “roommates” with her if you have romantic feelings and she doesn’t, or you don’t know if she does. If she doesn’t - and you do, and you have to watch from the same apartment her as she continues her life while you pine for her - you are only in for a lot of pain.

9

No, I live alone, about a 25 minute drive away on the highway. (30 miles perhaps) But you are right, it is a complicated thing.

I guess it probably got missed in my rambling post, but I have not even hinted to her that I like her. I doubt she knows- I am VERY good at hiding those things, which is why I am single, I constantly hide interest at school and work. So I have not pushed her, have not flirted with her, other than what can be considered brotherly “picking on her,” similar to how I treated my real sister. So I certainly have not “pushed” her, or made her uncomfortable at all.

She has also called mer her Host brother and American brother since the first day she arrived. So I doubt she has “Sensed” anything and is saying it to hint at me.

As an aside, she asked me once why I was single, and I jokingly told her girls were not interested in me, so I don’t date. She muttered something about “I would date you but…” I didn’t hear the rest, and quickly changed the subject to avoid any discomfort.

Another thing is that she has a LOT of friends all around the world. I don’t know how, she does travel quite extensively, and in fact she wants to be some sort of travel guide or international relations related job. She has friends from Japan all over the U.S, and everwhere we have traveld she has met somebody she knew that lived nearby. She has friends in Brazil, the U.K, and several other countries I cannot remember offhand. I realize that this means the likelyhood of her liking me anything more than a friend is slim to none, and I also realise that I am lucky to be her friend.

I guess I could say I wrote this post before I really thought the whole situation through, and knew even as I wrote it, that I would never even let her know. She is such an amazing person though, I am sure she gets similar reactions anywhere she goes. I guess even at my age, I am that akward teenager with unrealistic hopes, letting my emotions go out of control when an interesting female comes along. I feel rather embarassed now.

10

Don’t be, man. It sounds like a rough situation for anyone to be in. Something could change, but it would be best to let her initiate it. As long as you can stand it, just keep things cool and friendly, and be there as her friend. Maybe she could fix you up with someone else! You never know, but you could always suggest it jokingly, like “Hey, you know so many girls, are any of them single?” But moving in as “platonic” roommates would be the worst thing you could do.

11

Moving in as roommates would be a brilliant plan, but only if she has a lot of cute female friends and you’re a virgin. It’s a classic anime premise! But do keep in mind that it almost never goes well for the guy in those shows.

It’s a tough call. On one hand, pursuing her could be incredibly creepy and horrible for all involved, including embarassing your parents.

On the other hand, if this is one of the few women you’ve ever been attracted to, then it’d be a shame to have to pass up the opportunity…for hot sweaty asian teen action. I mean, for a meaningful relationship.

It it possible that she’s one of the few women you’ve been interested in because she’s one of the few women you’ve actually hung out with for any length of time? If that’s the case, then this may be a rare opportunity, but there may be lots and lots of women out there who’d do just as well. And aren’t barely legal. And living with your parents. And trusting you to be gentlemanly.

You could always ask her to set you up with any female friends she might have. You can say you’d ask her out, but the whole “exchange student” thing makes you feel like you’d be betraying her trust. At that point, she can either say she doesn’t mind, or agree vehemently. Or run screaming and fly back to Japan. Or, since we’re talking classic anime plots, she can secretly continue her crush on you while seeing you drool over all the women she’s setting you up with.

Yes, I’m absolutely no help. Sorry. Best of luck either way.

12

Ha! It could work, I am not a virgin, but I could be said to resemble Krillin.

13

Man, tough call. I’d be a shame to pass it up, move in as platonic roomies only to discover she was a Teenage Japanese Nymphomaniac.

I’d offer my advice, but my best advice to you is to never take advice from me.

14

Don’t make any moves before it’s time for her to leave, but don’t do anything to enhance your “brotherly” position.

When she leaves, say something like “Well, you don’t live with my parents anymore. I can’t be your ‘brother’ anymore, but I am interested in any other positions that you might have available.”

Just be aware that women who travel a lot are bound to break your heart sooner or later. If she ever goes to Italy it’s all over. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

15

I think a couple of posters were rather hard on you because you made it very clear that you had not given her any signal.

This is fairly good advice and you should take everything here in the same vane.

With that in mind my advice is to wait until she is ready to leave, but not as she’s entering “Security” at the airport. Then ask her if she knows anyone like herself, since that would be someone you could fall for. If she has any feelings that should give her an opportunity to say so, without directly hitting on her. Then there is the danger she’ll say “If you’d only have said so sooner.”

16

but if he takes this advice, does that mean he has to…arrrrgh my brain hurts!

17

I don’t think you mean impossible, but rather, it would look pretty bad because she’s so young. It might seem like you’re trying to take advantage of her.

On the other hand, you won’t know how she feels until you ask her. Just test the water a little, and she if she’s interested.

18

In the OP, you described yourself as “homely.”
You’re wrong. You are incredibly attractive. Smokin’ Hott, even.
Seriously.

As for advice on your situation, I would say wait until her stay with your parents is almost up, then ask her on a date. That way, if she turns you down, you (and she) won’t have too much awkward time before she leaves. And you won’t be left wondering “What if… .”

Good luck.

19

Well, thank you for your compliments. I am glad somebody out there feels this way! I guess it should be said that beauty is subjective and that experience shows that most of the women I come into contact with show no or little interest. Since I dress well, work out, brush my teeth, shave every day, etc, etc, I can only conclude that the vast majority of women find me homely.

20

Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you are one clueless dude if you think the women around you find you homely. You are not homely; not even a little. You need to start dating, you hot young man.