Ok, I posted a short to the point personal without a picture on craigslist. It was basically describing the perfect woman. I did not describe her physical appearance at all… I just find that tacky… Isn’t it obvious…we like our partners attractive to us?
Anyways, I got this one nice response…I sent a nice email back with 4 pictures of me. She finally responds back…another nice email with details about her…but no picture… I email back…more details about my life. So we basically made it to 2 substantive emails each. Ok finally today she sends me a picture…
It is not a real clear photo…but I can tell immediiately…she doesn’t quite have the body type I find attractive…In the picture she is a little too thick for me. PLUS she says in the email, the picture is old and she is 25lbs heavier now…but trying to lose it.
So, now…what do you suggest I do? Do I simply not respond…she will get the hint that apparently I didn’t like the picture? That seems so classless and rude.
Should I attempt to be honest… Hey, I am enjoying our emails…but I am sorry to say that I don’t think we are physically compatible. I guess it’s shallow, but we gotta have physical chemistry…
Women? What should I do? What would you want a guy to do? rrrrg…that is one of the suckier things about online dating if you don’t see a picture first…
Be honest, but be prepared for hearing that you should have put that in your ad. Well, because you should have.
You don’t have to give an order (I’d like one brunette with full lips and a size 4) but it is helpful to at least give SOME kind of idea. If weight is important to you, you should say that you expect an average to thin build.
A lot of people would feel that you’re wasting people’s time if you know you have a deal breaking preference but don’t mention it.
This is one of those things you only do once. It is easy to see why internet dating newbies all make that mistake: the fear that asking for a picuture comes across as shallow in men; and the fear that supplying a picture will either get you a stalker, or the kind of radio silence silence after the other party has seen the picture, that is killing for your self esteem.
That is why on dating sites such strong preferecenes are listed and a photo is requested, and profiles without photos attract zero to none attention. And rightly so.
Do you want to strike up a friendship with this lady? If so, just go on a date with her. Who knows, youmight enjoy her company so much you’ll become good friends, and maybe even more. Meanwhile, tell her she looks fine, but isn’t your type, as for looks. That is all. “looks”. Don’t mention “physically”. Don’t mention her weight.
If you don’t want any more contact with this lady, say the same thing about “looks” and then wish her well, and break off contact.
Good advice on the “not my type” and basing it on “looks” not weight. However, if you are not interested in her, don’t go on a “date” with her. If you are not interested in her but would still want to be friends and possibly do things together, tell her that and then ask if she wants to do something just as friends. Don’t lead her on. This still seems odd to me, though – I think it would be kind of humiliating for her…but if she doesn’t want to, she can say no. And: it’s nice that you’re concerned about the right way to do this, but don’t feel too bad – she should have made a pic available earlier, IMO. Pics are crucial in online dating.
IMO there are a lot of things you don’t really know. Overall, maybe she’s not as attractive as you’ve envisioned…maybe she’s more (pictures can be very unflattering).
I’d say go out, de-emphasize the ‘date’ aspect, and see if you think she’d make a good friend. Maybe you’ve got a friend to set her up with and vice-versa. For the sake of networking, I think it’s worth coffee to find out.
Would it fit what you’ve already said to tell her that you’d like to go slowly and meet as friends for coffee? That way, you can always say that there wasn’t a spark there if it ends up you really don’t want to date the woman. On the off chance that you do, you haven’t burned any bridges. Either way, you’ve potentially got a new friend.
And there is also the possibility that, to your surprise, there may be a spark. The guys I find most attractive in person and the guys I like for posters on my walls tend to have very different looks; the same can be said of many friends of mine (whose husbands do not look at all like their crushes).
So the question is, do you find her repulsive? Or is it more like “I’m not rolling on the floor, unable to stand from the lust I’ve gotten after seeing her picture”?
Do NOT just stop emailing her. That would make you a douche. Go out with her for coffee and then at the end of the night just tell her that although she is a sweetheart you aren’t feeling the kind of connection between the two of you that you are looking for and wish her the best in her search.
If you really can’t stomach the thought of seeing her in person send her another email and tell her that you have hit it off with someone else you met on craigslist and you want to pursue that and see where it goes.
In the future give a general description of what you are looking for physically. Use words like slim and willowy if you want to be specific but not hurt anyone’s feelings. If you say something like, “no fatties” keep in mind that you will lose out on a lot of potential dates from people who think that lack of tact makes you an asshole.
Also, keep looking on craigslist. It is a wonderful place. That is where I found my current guy and he is wonderful! I actually like not having pictures right away because I found that when I put up pictures I would get responses from people solely based on my appearance who had not read my ad at all.
Don’t just break off contact. I’ll second what pbbth said about your “excuse”. Just say you hit it off with someone else an wish her well. There are no hurt feelings that way.
I actually went out with quite a few guys that I didn’t like the picture for. Some were better looking, some were worse than the pic. One, once I met him, the picture was completely irrelevant. So she may be a little heavier than your ideal woman, but going out with her for coffee might not turn out to be the worst thing ever.
A very good friend of mine is the least photogenic person I know. In a really good photo she generally looks like Chelsea Clinton circa `93. In person she’s lovely, and well built. Maybe that’s because I know her and what a good person she is, but photographs don’t tell the whole story. Plus there’s a lot more to a person than meets the camera lens. Chemistry can come from the mind or the personal interaction as well as the objective form. If you’re both looking for “the one” and don’t want any digressions from that quest, then give it a miss and be honest about your reasons. If you think you could be a friend and see where it goes from there, then offer to be friends and see where it goes from there. That’s a reasonable approach even if long-term romance is still the goal.
If weight is such a deal breaker for you then you obviously should include that on your first message, if you described your “perfect woman” and didn’t mention physical characteristics at all then the assumption is that they should not matter. Its not tacky at all describing what you want in someone physically, what you find attractive might be very very different to what someone else does.
Yeah I agree with DigitalC (and others). I just cruised through the Craigslist listings and passed up all the ones where dudes were looking for “slim” or “fit” or “athletic” girls, as I am not that kind of size. It doesn’t bother me in the least if a guy says that’s what he wants. I’d much rather pass him up than have to guess and then go through the awkwardness of “you’re too fat for my liking.”
You’re not shallow if you’re not physically attracted to a certain body type. But you are somewhat cruel if you’re not upfront about it, especially if you get to know and like the girl otherwise and get her hopes up.
IMO your ad should ask for a picture. “Send a picture with your reply and I’ll send you mine.”
If you don’t find the picture attractive, then both of you have a minimum of investment and you can say “Thanks for writing, but I don’t think we would be a good match.”
As for the current girl, I think it might be best to lie and say you’ve met someone else. Alternatively, be honest and say you don’t think it would work out (no need to say that your lack of attraction is the reason why.)
I would NOT meet the girl if you are not attracted to her. You are both looking for a relationship, so this is not doing her any favors.
She’ll likely know you’re lying, but at least she can pretend you’re not.
As someone mentioned, if she has your pic there’s also the chance you may not be her type, either.