I’ve just started dating online for the first time. I’m moving to another country early next year where I don’t know anyone. So I thought I’d get a hop on things and meet people online before I actually arrive.
I’ve got my profile set up where I’ve posted 2 photos of myself. I’ve been told by people who already know me that I am pretty and I whole-heartedly agree I’m not arrogant about it, it’s just a gene thing and I hate false modesty. My family is generally considered to be good looking.
So I’ve gotten maybe 50 emails in the past few days from potentials, all of which made comments about my looks. About half of them have photos posted in their profiles as well, and since looks matter to me (grooming, hygiene, nice smile, not necessarily handsome), I don’t even bother reading profiles of potential dates that don’t have a photo posted. To me, they just couldn’t be bothered enough to make the same effort I made so adios. I just send them a “No thanks” notice.
However, one guy sent me an email asking why I declined him and I said it was because he didn’t have a photo. He responded saying that if I wasn’t shallow, a photo would be unimportant. I told him I thought it was unfair that he could see what I look like and I can’t see what he looks like. I also pointed out that he said I was pretty in his initial correspondence so clearly, looks matter to him. No response.
My issue is this: I want to reduce the number of potentials that send me an email to those who only have photos. There’s no option in account settings or my profile that will allow me to automatically filter out guys without photos. So that basically leaves me with leaving a statement in my profile about wanting to see a photo. So what’s the best way to state this without sounding like a snob?
Can’t you just ignore those who don’t have a photo?
I’m pretty average looking, but I would never really want to do a dating site like this and not be able to know what the person looks like - it does matter. I’m not looking for an Abercrombie model or anything, but I also don’t want to date Peter Jackson.
Maybe something like: “Looks definitely aren’t everything, but you can’t deny that mutual attraction is important … therefore, I’d rather only be contacted by men who have a photo in their profile. I’ve shown you mine, it’s only fair that you show me yours! ;)”
Lucky you that you get so many responses. I will just say that I dated a man for three years that I would have married, and he had no photo in his profile. What he said and the way he said it in his profile was what caught my eye, and my interest. The fact that he was nice looking (at least to me) was a bonus. He doesn’t photograph well, and I think if I had gone on looks alone, I might have skipped by him. So don’t rule out the no photo guys completely. In fact, one guy told me he doesn’t do the photo thing because he is fairly well-known face around town and would rather not have people stumble across his picture and his profile by accident.
What personals service are you using? Most of the ones I’ve seen have a “reject no-photo profiles” setting.
I find, since I am a mature woman, looking for mature guys…not all of them have all the computer thingies available for posting a photo. Took me years to find a good photo and figure out how to post it!
:eek: The thought that my ex would be on the same site spooked me. This is a winner - funny and true at the same time.
I should mention here that I am on the young side (early 30s), I work as a web designer and my passion is photography. If my match doesn’t have a photo or doesn’t know how to upload one, then it was over before it even started.
I find myself in a very awkward situation when a woman writes, her profile claims to have an “average” build, but all the photos show only her face, or they all carefully block the entire body from the neck down. There’s almost no tactful way to ask if she’s really weight-proportional-to-height without appearing like some cretin who doesn’t trust her, or some cretin who’s superficial.
Elmwood, speaking as an overweight woman, I can promise you there are online dating sites dedicated to people who think big is sexy and any woman who is more than a little bit heavy and is aware of it will probably be there. I would never even think of putting up an ad on match.com, not because I don’t think I could find a man there and not because I don’t think I am sexy but because I am sure I will get emails from shallow people telling me I have no right to be on the site, etc. I don’t want to deal with that shit so any and all online dating that I have done has been through specialty sites. I would think you wouldn’t have to worry about it, but I don’t know what your definition of average is either. I would assume average to be size 8-12, but you may think average is 2-6 because you watch a lot of WB. If it is a big deal to you ask about weight/size right up front.
It’s sad if that does indeed happen. I don’t think the management of Match would look too kindly at men sending such unsolicited comments to other women.
Really, one sees women of all sizes on match.com. However, just as my female friends tell me that some men fib about their height, I’ve met women that have fibbed about their weight. No, it’s not an Internet male “OMG she needs to lose 15 pounds what a buttertroll and besides her knees are too sharp” reaction I’m having; it’s women that can safely be considered large.
Yeah, it’s important to me, but it’s one of those things that is never mentioned. Women can reject short men and “society” looks the other way, but it’s frowned upon for a thin or average built man to reject a woman because she’s overweight. I just don’t think there’s any polite way to ask without looking bad.
Sorry for the followup post, but another related question. Why do so many women post photos of themselves with ex-boyfriends or with other men in situations where the context of the setting shows that they are more than “just friends”? If the men are there, you still see lots of photos with strange cropping, disembodied hands on shoulders, and so on.
Pbbth, speaking as another overweight woman, I think you have some issues!
You couldn’t pay me to post a profile on one of those “BBW” or “chubby chaser” sites: being pursued by someone with a fat fetish would be even worse than being rejected out of hand because of my weight (plus, I don’t intend to stay fat!). I’ve had profiles on Match.com, Yahoo Personals, The Onion’s personals, OKCupid, etc., and no one has ever told me that I had no right to be on their site (!). Every now and then I’ll even message a guy who seems way out of my league (physically), and I have never gotten a nasty response. No one has ever said anything negative to me about my weight. Being on one of those specialty sites would imply that I think my weight is the most important thing about me. It’s part of how I look, and attraction matters and I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m not going to go hide on a specialty site out of some baseless fear of ridicule.
I actually sympathize with elmwood, because some guys do the same thing: you see a hint of a double chin in their picture, and they claim an “average” build, but you never see enough to really be able to tell. That’s why (1) I never claim to have an “average” build, I always pick “a few extra pounds” or whatever the next heaviest option is; and (2) I always include at least one full-body picture. Right now the only place I have a profile is OKCupid, and 2/4 of my profile pics show my entire torso plus most of my legs. “Fat” can be in the eye of the beholder – some guys think I’m ok, others think I’m a cow – and this way each guy can judge for himself.
We can’t win: if the guy is in the picture you complain about that, and if he’s out of the picture you complain about disembodied hands! Seriously, though, I’ve heard this from a lot of guys (even if the guy in the photo could be just a friend) and I will never understand it: why does it matter if her picture shows her with an ex or another guy? I certainly don’t care if guys have other women in their pictures. Did it ever occur to you that the picture with the ex might be the one she considers to be the best picture of her? She probably isn’t thinking twice about who else is in the photo. I think that disembodied hands/arms are even less of a big deal – is everyone supposed to have several good pictures of themselves standing alone somewhere?
I’m with the folks who think it’s perfectly reasonable for the OP to restrict herself to profiles with photos. However, I can’t offer any better way to phrase it in the profile than the very good ways already offered.
It’s funny that trying to politely ask larger women not to bother is a concern of elmwood’s, as I’ve read several profiles where guys came right out and said something like, “No fatties need apply,” or even ruder variations. I find this slightly amusing, as they seem to think that they’ll be swamped by e-mails from fat chicks otherwise. I actually have a note in my profile stating that if you don’t want a large woman, don’t bother me. (And if I can do it, I have no problem with anyone else doing the equivalent in theirs, as long as they’re not rude.) My pictures are always full-body and make it obvious that I’m fat, but I’ve still gotten a few e-mails from the no-fatties guys anyway. What, are they not looking at the pictures?
I’m also somewhat skeeved by the idea of the specialty sites too. Not going there, no way, no how.
Yeah, this was one of my pet peeves, so much so that it made my rather sarcastic self-description when I was on a dating site. Snippet: “Also, your profile will be full of tired cliches and pictures of you with an ex-boyfriend strategically cropped out.” I don’t know…it really struck me as being odd. It was up there with the stupid cliches like “No more games!” and “Looking for Mr. Right!” Yeah, no shit. I mean, seriously, you can’t find a single picture of yourself that you like that doesn’t have an ex-boyfriend strategically cut out of it? It just looks sloppy and somewhat, I don’t know, disrespectful or something.
No one I have ever met on any “specialty site” has ever seemed like they were there because of a fetish, though I suppose they probably don’t make that known if that is why they are there I know that I have posted on match.com long ago and a couple of other sites and it is soul crushing to set up a date with someone, meet them for dinner/bowling/pool/movie/whatever and see their face fall. That, “Oh…I know you said you are heavy but I didn’t think you meant THAT heavy!” expression where you know they will never call you again. It is just as bad to get an email from someone, email them back and then after a couple of messages get the dreaded, “You seem nice but I couldn’t date someone who is fat.” kind of messages back. The BBW sites let both parties know exactly what they are getting into as far as weight is concerned and I appreciate that I haven’t had to have one of the awkward, trying to gnaw off your hand to have an excuse to go home type of dates since.
I’m using an international Match.com site. I emailed Match.com and they said that they don’t have this email blocking feature I asked about. What they do have is a filter for my own searches, but there’s no way to stop people without photos (or other undesired criteria) from contacting me.
This includes men way outside my desired age group (I’m looking for someone 30-35, but once in a while I’ll get a 42 year old emailing me). At least they have a photo :dubious:
As a formerly morbidly obese woman, let me say that EVERYONE is free to be attracted to whom they wish. What they don’t have the right to do is belittle and denigrate anyone who doesn’t fall into that category.
Fat women are well aware they’re fat. Trust me - we’re fat, not stupid.
I’m not arrogant about it, it’s just a gene thing and I hate false modesty. My family is generally considered to be good looking.
I know that I have posted on