my little sister came to live with us when she was 9 - she had been in foster homes since the age of about 5.
I loved my sister dearly, but she did have her share of emotional baggage. I couldn’t imagine her not being my sister, but I often wonder if she would have not done better in a family where she had the parents undivided attention.
As it was, she was very competitive for affection, had tremendous problems with lying and stealing, seemed to thrive on negative attention, and had a hard time keeping a job past 90 days.
As children, I was 3 years older, much taller and somewhat stockier. My sister would tell people I beat her or hurt her or forced her to do strange things (like making her put scotch tape on her fingers and told her I would hurt her if she took it off). Because I was larger and more tomboyish, people assumed I might be really bullying her out of jealousy. Any comments I might have said as part of normal sibling interaction were tainted with this assumption and I often was made out to be the bad guy.
That being said, my sister and I were actually very close and companionable away from school or church or anywhere public. However, it was psychologically damaging to me to have so many people assume I was a bully - I struggled with it for a long time and was always leery of strangers that didn’t know me better. I’m probably more apologetic and quick to please as a result of it.
A similar case occurred with one of the children of the adoptive family my sister lived with right before she transitioned with us. In this case, the boy was the same age as she was and started having tremendous problems with school and began wetting the bed at age 9. The parents realized my sister was doing the same things to him - telling tales and making him out as a bully to her. It was part of the reason they decided to return her to foster care.
I think my parents were not prepared to deal with this on a consistent basis because both of my parents worked a lot and there were 4 other kids already in the family (even though my brothers were mostly grown).
I also think my mom compared us older 4 kids whom she had raised from birth to my sister and expected her to behave the same, but my sister just wasn’t trained that way and couldn’t seem to adjust. My mom was also protective of me and felt torn between her child by birth and her child by choice. I don’t always think my mom handled it the best way she could have, often to my sister’s disadvantage.
That being said, I think that is all the more reason why someone who can should consider adopting an older child. Because they, more than anyone, need help.
I would give the following pieces of advice if asked:
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Carefully consider how much time you truly have to focus on a child’s issues.
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Consider counseling with the child as part of your ongoing process (beyond just the rudimentary counseling offered through any services).
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Consider the impact of integrating a child into your family, especially with other children in the home.
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Assume that it is not going to be sunshine and roses at first - especially with sleeping (foster/adoptive children often wet the beds), communication, and acceptance.
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Do it if you can!
Like I said, in spite of the issues, I will never regret having my sister as part of our family. I only wish she was still alive today (she passed suddenly at the age of 33 from an undiagnosed stomach tumor).