Bit of a situation my wife’s in - the wife of a known (convicted) pedo, in our neighbourhood, attends a weekly support group my wife and some friends jsut started going to. She couldn’t remember her specifically at first, but seeing her a second time confirmed it. The thing is, her husband used her profession to gain access to some kids - and she either never saw any signs, and forgave him anyways, or saw signs, ingnored them, and forgives him - meaning, they are apparantly still together (and, obviously, still in the neighbourhood). One of our kids, though not one of the victims, did attend her place temporarily for a week.
What’s she to feel/think, morally? She’s fuming, and has (irrational?) ideas of putting up a poster warning members of this group that there’s a pedo’s spouse here … to openly confronting her, to (more rationally) just quitting this group - though it is helping her, and that seems unfair.
I suppose the mature thing to do is to just suck it up and ignore it - she committed no crime. Morally, in our opinion, she’s culpable for wither being way too naive to see any signs and/or morally questionable by her association after the fact.
I personally have a hard time, but am unsur w hat to think, and a perhaps clouded by my emotions, too. I’d have a hard time keeping myself from going within earshot of her and exclaiming so everyone can hear "Are you still with XXX, that pedophile husband of yours? " or something to that effect…
I think the OP’s issue isn’t with the wife, but that the wife’s position in a similar (if not identical) group was used for the pedophile to “enable” his behavior.
I think a lot of it comes down to whether or not the wife-in-question (the pedo’s, not the OP’s) was / is aware of the husband’s behavior. I would imagine she would be, at this point, but I’ve heard of things far more bizarre.
Also, I think it might help to know what kind of support group this is. If it is a group for spouses of sexual offenders (putting the OP himself in a dubious position), then it wouldn’t be proper to boot the W-I-Q.
Not identical group at all. At the risk of actually identifying, the pedo’s wife ran a home day-care facility; my wife has seen her at a weight loss support group.
Might clarify some things…!
And, since he has been convicted, she absolutely does know about it now.
Yes - the assumption based on my wife seeing her still wearing her rings, and tied in with the second answer…
Kind of both - very weak sentence involving him being under house arrest during the week (to enable working) and spending weekends in jail. The reasoning being that, since his wife is staying with him, and will lose her source of income, they need him to work.
Support groups are very strange (I’m assuming you are talking about either professional or amatuer group therapy - something that could be AA or something that could be lead by a psychiatrist). They are there to SUPPORT people, not challenge them. If your wife isn’t comfortable, she should leave and find another group.
I found much of my support group experience to be frustrating because so many of the people there were very comfortable in their victim roles. But support groups are not places to judge.
And they should be confidential. Neither you or your wife should bring this up to anyone. It isn’t supportive.
Okay - I think I got this off onto the wrong stream by calling it a support group - it’s just a well-known weight-loss “group” setting… NOTHING AT ALL to do with the relationship to the pedo.
You make a lot of assumptions about what the woman has or hasn’t done, did or didn’t know, and wish to give some sort of punishment. This is out of line.
Your wife should leave this group if she does not feel comfortable. It is not your place or hers to do anything.
I really don’t see what purpose could possibly be served by confronting the woman. I’m sure she already knows that her husband is a dirtbag and that everyone disapproves of him. (If she doesn’t know that by now, nothing you say will change her mind.) Such a move in the setting you describe would be inappropriate.
If you can’t stand being in the same room with her, though you seem to have no real knowledge of her circumstances, you should leave the group.
So she sees her at Weight Watchers and is uncomfortable because she knows this information about her? Just like any gossip you know about someone that may make you not like them when you see them out and about?
If she can’t get over it, she needs to go elsewhere. I don’t go to parties where I know an local abortionist will be there*, and I am thinking of switching Weight Watchers meetings because of the kids and one particular member who goes when I do and makes involuntary noises that make me feel sick. It’s up to me to choose a different meeting.
*privately I might tell someone why if they ask, but I don’t go to the party anyway and then level an accusation at him
I’m curious - I don’t think I’ve made any assumptions… just deductions?
What did I assume she has or hasn’t done/did or didn’t know? I wondered if she knew at the time, but I know she knew once he was convicted. The sentencing confirmed that she was staying with him.
Did I make any other assumptions?
I was leaning towards advising her of your conclusion, by the way.
I side with the recent posters – should the wife need to be branded with her husband’s troubles, in a setting that has nothing to do with him? (Now, OTOH, you mention in one of your posts, that because of his troubles she is losing the job that provided access to children; and that does completely make reasonable sense.)
I understand that from some people’s POV the only acceptable course of action for the convicted molester’s family and friends is to just cast him out of their lives (part of the largely-held opinion that a molester’s life should be made Hell to the point of suicide…), but I don’t think that if they don’t, and absent evidence of actual complicity IN THE CRIME, it’s our role to take the next step to seek to make the family into pariahs.
I’m hoping that her husband’s conviction precludes her from still running a daycare operation from her home…
I don’t think it is necessarily proper that OP’s wife should raise a huge ruckus about the pedophile’s wife, but I know many friends with children who would greatly appreciate being “in the loop” as to his status before befriending the lady (and subsequently her husband) to a great degree. So as to head off a potential Pitting, let me clarify.
The friends I am referring to are the ones who are very keen on having “couple” friends, and as such, invite other couples over for dinner and the sort. Am I saying that you should become a social outcast for the actions of your spouse? No. But, in the same respect, if you stay with someone who commits a heinous crime, such as pedophilia, you have to be aware that you run the risk of some of the fall-out. (Insert tenuous “connection to Rihanna-backlash for getting back with Chris Brown” here)
So, IMHO, should your wife go around spreading flyers throughout the county, letting everyone and their dog know about this guy and his wife? No. Should your wife announce it to the members of an unrelated group as to why she doesn’t feel like she (the OP’s wife, not the pedo’s wife) does not feel like she can remain in the group? No. Should your wife let those people know about the pedo and his wife if the friends start making plans for dinners, babysitting and the sort? Yes.
Sorry, didn’t mean to infer that you were. I was more just showing the varying options and my opinion on each of them (hence the whole “babysitting friends’ children” comment, later).
I have deduced that you assume that there were plenty of signs. I make the deduction that you assume there were signs and she should have known. For me you have made an assumption but you prefer the label deduction. Were you there? Do you *know *how many signs there were?
Your wife should quit the group and leave this woman alone. She has not committed and does not need your judgment nor punishment.
Morally, in our opinion, she’s culpable for either being way too naive to see any signs and/or morally questionable by her association after the fact.
Sorry, in that context I don’t see that as an assumption that she saw any signs - just an “if she had”. If it is communicated that way, then I withdraw it.
My wife hasn’t done a damn thing - I was looking for opinions, not what seems to be an accusation of harrassment. Then again, I guess I’m assuming that.
