Several men on this board have complained about a double standard when it comes to creepiess (If a guy does it, people find it creepy). One example is a lone man being forced to change seats on a plane if an unaccompanied minor is sitting next to him. They have said they feel hesitant helping a lost child or a woman in distress because they worry they will be accused of something unsavory. Even my own dad, when working as a Home Health Care Nurse, said he only worked with senior patients because he felt wary being in a position of being alone with a young female patient “She could accuse me of anything! And it would be my word against hers!”.
I can’t remember the last time, as a man, i’ve ever been in a position like this. I’ve never worried too much about people getting the wrong idea of something benign I’m doing just because i’m a guy. That doesn’t mean I lack common sense- when I was giving piano lessons to kids at a music store, I requested the use of a studio with windows so parents were free to watch their kid if they wanted.
I personally try to avoid even looking at children in public to avoid that kind of accusation. I recall my brother mentioning about working with schoolchildren how the official rule* where he worked was that as a man he could never be alone in a room with a child without the door open and a woman watching at all times. It’s all very sexist.
Due to a fear of accusations, not any fear he’d actually do anything
That sounds like a major overreaction. There’s a world of difference between avoiding putting yourself in a position that could leave you open to false accusations (ie with no witnesses), and avoiding normal everyday social interaction in public.
See, I’m genuinely curious if a man has ever gotten in trouble for benign behavior like this. I know some guys are really paranoid about it, and I’m curious if the concern is legitimate or simply an overreaction.
I know there were a few famous cases of men getting railroaded over accusations of child molestation. I asked my wife about this and she tells me that current methodology in determning whether a child was molested or not takes into account stuff like avoiding leading questions, knowing the difference between truthful statements/behavior and lies/fantasy when interviewing a child.
I’ve heard the argument be made (Which I tend to agree with) that all this paranoia about all male are secret pedos, has made it easier for actual pedos to gain access to children. The theory being that most men understand the dangers of working with children these days thanks to society’s insistence on their modern day which hunt.
The only ones willing to take that risk now are actual pedos.
Of course I’m just talking about the dynamic here. I don’t mean to suggest that any male currently working with children is a pedo, nor do I believe the majority of them are pedos. I’m just saying that the market of opportunity for pedos has gotten bigger.
It’s kind of sad really. When I was married, I had no problems if my son’s friends wanted to come over and hang out. After divorce though, I had to tell my kids “no”. And to make it even sadder my son once asked me how come he can’t have friends over any more. My response was: “Well, lots of people don’t like it when it’s just the Dad by himself watching their kids. They prefer to have the Mom around too.”
This is all a set of symptoms of a society that is afraid of sex and violence, but is at the same time, obsessed with both. I don’t have the specific laws in front of me, but I read every so often of the guy that urinates in public, say at night along the side of a road, or in an alley, and is charged with a sex crime. Here’s an article that touches on the subject of sex crime registries.
There is unquestionably a glut of internet porn and TV, movie, and video-game violence. It seems to me the overreaction we witness … of vast segments of our population lashing out at gun rights or the overwrought paranoia regarding the mere suspicion of possible pedophilia … is an overactive reflex in our society.
It’s like an immune system gone haywire, attacking the body of our culture with little control or judgement.
Sex and violence are bound together, because they are raw, primitive behaviors, and for most of us, because our culture and national identity is so bound up in a Puritan Ethic that resists any less censorious status.
The less censorship we employ in the media, and the more permissive we become regarding the Arts and Entertainment, the more strict and suspicious our reactions to everyday behavior and the more self-righteous and judgmental we are toward the common man.
I can tell you that my ex got the stinkeye so often for going to the park near our house with a book that he stopped going. Sometimes a mom would pointedly ask him if any of the children on the playground were his, or if he lived nearby, or the like.
Before they moved away, the woman who lived next door would run into the yard and drag her young kids into the house whenever I came out to get into my car or if I drove up and got out. It took a few instances for me to realize that was going on. Of course, that was her own unfounded phobia. Still, it makes me wonder if other moms are stressing when they see me within a hundred feet of their children.
I confess that I see a potential perv in every dad that coaches a youth team or runs a kids camp. I’m not sure why other than that I have encountered few “funny uncles” over the years. That colors my view of how others might see me in the same situations.
In the old days I used to pick up hitchhikers. I would never, ever pick up a female hitchhiker. The price is too high if she decides to cause trouble. A guy I could fight, a woman has the law on her side.
There’s been a lot of different little things where a double standard is evident.
My sister is 10 years younger than me. I feel a twinge of weirdness every time I interact with her friends, especially when it was painfully obvious that some of them had absurd little kid crushes on me.
I used to tutor little kids (ages 6-12) and the female tutors at the center I worked at would routinely hug and kiss on the cheek. Now, I would never be inclined to do that because it’s in my nature, but the double standard was obvious that I would never be able to get away with that as a guy.
My friend was at the supermarket and there was a toddler crying in one of the aisles. He tried to be a good samaritan and took the kid up to customer service but halfway there the mom ran up and ranted about the nerve of him. She knew that he wasn’t trying to do anything wrong but she was just incensed (irrationally so) and just stormed off in a huff. He wasn’t holding the kid or anything, maybe holding his hand at the most.
There’s a dad at my church who insists that all the kids call him by his first name, and he’s totally “with it” and is facebook friends with a lot of the kids. There are also a lot of hip moms who do the same thing, but it’s just a bit more weird when a guy tries to buddy up with the teens group and is very huggy with the 15 year old girls.
Adam Carolla has a bit where he says that if his kids ever end up in scouts and the dads are trying to figure out who needs to chaperone the kids on a camping trip, beware the dad that’s too eager. A proper response is for the dad to be reluctant to waste his weekend and miss football but the dad that’s all about spending as much time as possible with the tweens isolated from society is a red flag.
Now how much of this is social/gender norms and how much of this is legitimate fear of creepiness/molestation? Probably much more of the former than the latter, but that double standard is definitely there.
About ten years ago my brother-in-law lost his job at a day care center. He was, by all accounts, a good worker. The customers just thought it was really creepy and questionable that a male would choose work with small children. I cannot say to what extent his resignation was “suggested.”
This guy had his life ruined do to a case of mistaken identity.
Note the school board “couldn’t say” if he’d be allowed to return to his school and the girl’s volleyball organization “hasn’t yet given any thought” about him re-joining as a coach.
In other words, tough shit about wanting your life back even if it’s blindingly obvious you are innocent.
I’m pretty sure this official rule applies to all adults working with young children now. I took the training offered by the school which was mandatory if you were going to volunteer to work with the children. No one is allowed to transport or work with any child other than his or her own without another adult presents. It doesn’t limit this to men; “adult” is the term. So, not sexist.
Tutoring- You’re telling me female tutors would kiss 12 year olds? :eek: because I find that kind of creepy. When I worked as a tutor, they said we could give high fives, but we shouldn’t be touching the kids- this applied to men and women employees. I had kids run up and hug me but since I never initiated it nobody gave me dirty looks. In 5 years of working with children I never had anybody complain about my behavior (or gender).
-Regarding grocery store kid, mom was probably pissy out of embarassment. Think about it- you cant find your kid, then some strange dude has her asking, “is this yours?” The kids hysterical, and you’re standing there looking like Mother Of The Year in front of everybody. I think the hostility was probably an ‘out’ for the lady to deal with misplacing her kid.
These kinds of stories make me sick to my stomach. As a gay man, this sort of thing is even worse because a lot of people still feel like gay people are all just waiting for their chance to molest children.
During an period of unemployment last summer I used to spend a lot of time in a local park. I’d take a sandwich, sit and read a book or just sit and enjoy the sun. Said park was also a hangout for moms (and dads) to take their kids to play. I never thought much about it until a roommate asked “Aren’t you worried about being the creepy old guy in the park.” Made me wonder if some of the moms looked at me like Aqualung. But my thought was I’m not doing anything wrong so screw 'em if they’re concerned. But I do admit to feeling a tad bit uneasy when on occasion an unattended kid would wander my way and start asking me things as curious kids will do.
When I worked late and took the bus home I’d often get off the bus at the same spot as a young girl and we both had to walk in the same direction. She always crossed the street even though we were both going to a spot on the same side of the street. I got in the habit of letting her get far ahead of me before I started my walk.
As a single guy who does often find myself in such situations it frequently bothers me that I should be considered a source of suspicion or unease. I just chalk it up to an unfortunate side affect of the times we live in. Can’t really fault a young lady or single mom with a kid for being leery these days. But it does bug me when I think about it.
