I was invited to the wedding of two friends I’ve had for about 7 years, but am not particularly close with (one is a former co-worker). This is a Chinese banquet wedding if that makes a difference. They know my girlfriend too, she’s not really friends with them (not that she doesn’t get along with them, but my main socialization with them is either at work-related things or something like a party where I would invite everybody), but they are aware that we are in a committed long-term relationship. The envelope has my name on it, but not hers or a “guest” listing. The RSVP is online-only, but has an entry for “How many will be attending”, up to 6. Normally, I would say, “Well I guess she’s not invited”, chalking it up as being a bit rude, but the online RSVP thing makes me think maybe I can say I’m bringing her as my guest, and not putting her on the invite was just an oversight or implicit. Obviously it would be awkward to ask them directly. What do you guys think?
If the invitation does not say “and guest”, then you may not bring a guest. Period.
Regards,
Shodan
I would generally agree with Shodan but I think the “number attending” option on the website opens up enough ambiguity to justify asking the mother of the bride, or the groom, or whomever is in charge of fielding such questions.
Asking about the “number attending” is equivalent to “and guests”. Put her down.
I am afraid it is not - at least, not in America. If only you were invited, you would not put down “13” and bring a dozen of your friends. Same principle.
The “number attending” is for invitations issued to several members of a household, where not all can attend. That is, “number attending” must always be equal to or less than the number invited.
The hosts couldn’t afford to invite more than a certain number. Therefore, they decided not to invite people they didn’t know very well, like friends of friends. They did not say “and guest” for a reason, and it is a social faux pas to ignore that reason.
People who do stuff like this are the bane of wedding planner’s and caterer’s existence. You were invited; no one else.
Regards,
Shodan
I agree with this. Hopefully the mother of the bride or groom or somebody like that is listed on the invitations as a contact for questions, etc. If so, contact this person and politely ask.
The online response form may have a default drop down menu and its is not customized for each invitee. Some may be invited as couples, singles or whole families.
You can’t assume based on a drop down menu.
If your name isn’t on the invitation, you’re not invited. Her name is not on the invitation, she is not invited.
You can:
A) Call and ask “Hey, can I bring my girlfriend?” but the host will be miffed at being put on the spot, and is faced with either saying “Sure!” and adding another plate, or looking rude and saying “No.”
B) Not attend, and do something with your girlfriend instead.
C) Attend alone.
Those are pretty much your options. And honestly, does your gf even want to go? I wouldn’t want to go to the wedding of a not-particularly-close ex-work-friend of my husband’s. Anyway, I’m reasonably certain that the online RSVP has a form set up that way so that people who are in groups (invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Fielding, how many are attending, 1–Mrs. Fielding has a family reunion or whatever, or invitation addressed to The Patel Family who consists of five members, but only three will be attending because Mr. and Mrs. Patel don’t want to bring their two youngest to a boring wedding or whatever) will have the option.
Also, very traditional wedding etiquette holds that a couple must be invited places as a couple once they are married or in an equivalent-to-married relationship. While I would argue that it’s a little weird to do so and yet issue an e-RSVP instead of paper cards, it may be that someone Very Very Traditional is holding sway here.
I feel like weddings are more comfortable when attended as a couple. I would inquire even if it is slightly awkward assuring them you understand if the guest list is limited. Whatever the outcome you can make the call.
Skip the wedding, send a gift. Your SO was not invited.
Although I would generally agree with Shodan’s interpretation, not everyone really grasps the nuances of invitation ettiquite. Tou could just call them up and ask whether bringing a guest is allowed/expected?
Stranger
The “how many will be attending” usually means “how many of those invited will be attending?” Like if you invite two or three people, will ALL of them attend, or only two, or just one, etc. Your girlfriend is most likely not invited. (If you have to ask, ask a family member or friend of the couple. But don’t just assume she can come.)
Not that this was the question, but this is pretty much my feeling also. “Come celebrate our relationship, but you’re not allowed to bring the other person in your own relationship” means I will not be attending the wedding. I don’t care if it’s Very Traditional or not. It’s lame and rude.
When you’re not clear about something, it’s always a good idea to ask before drawing a conclusion (about them being rude or whatever).
All you’re out of is a question, so go for it.
I think the invitation is ambiguous enough that you should just ask the person in charge of the invites. Phrase it more in terms of “not sure what was intended” rather than “I’d like to,change things”.
Bingo. I certainly wouldn’t assume. My cousin was super-stressed before her wedding. I could certainly see her forgetting that someone had an SO, particularly someone she knew only from work or very casually.
I’d ask someone (mother or sister) besides the couple (whom I wouldn’t want to put on the spot), but adding that I certainly understand if they have to limit people due to financial concerns. Better that than assuming rudeness and have that subtle boiling resentment.
I’m another one who could see this being an oversight/mistake. It sounds like a larger wedding (since you are not closest friends but are still on the guest list), it’s easier to make a mistake in a guest list of 200+. Something gets messed up in Excel, or the bride sees “Fang Doper” on the groom’s list and confuses you with someone else named Fang who is single. That sort of thing. Also you’re not family, you’re not super close, if the couple were intentionally excluding your SO (vs just making an mistake) then they could have just not invited you either and it wouldn’t be a huge deal.
I would venture that the option to specify the number of guests is a default part of the website being used, and not because the people sending the invitations are giving you the option of adding a guest. I’d go stag (as invited), or as suggested by Oakminster, send a gift and do not attend.
Just ask them, I don’t see why its so awkward
Even if the SO’s name was not specifically on the invitation, I’ve gotten plenty of invitations that said “chizzuk and Guest.” So I would assume that if a +1 wasn’t on there, an extra wasn’t invited.