The latest assessment essay gems

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

For your consideration and enjoyment…

(note to the uninitiated: these are sentences found among tons of assessment essays written for college placement; I help score them.)

[mother to a kid picking the ash off a burnt tortilla]: “Just eat the ash, son. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.”

It has always been a wondering thought to wonder and to feel the emotions the people must have felt when JFK was shot by his wife and all the people that surrounded him.

A terrorist situation in a plane is a really bad experience for everybody.

Sorrow flooded my chest cavity and clogged my arteries. Guilt steamed behind my eyes.

I still remember the scent of dirt filled streets coursing through my nose–the way it smelled and tasted.

Japan is an island in the western Pacific ocean, and it is surrounded by water

2

Channeling Dan Quayle? (start at 0:51 for his discourse on the location of Hawaii)

3

I didn’t know JFK was in a zombie movie!

4

Jackie must have finally gotten pissed about all the skirt-chasing.

I dunno, the terrorist thinks he’s getting his reward in the afterlife, he’s probably pretty happy about the whole thing.

5

Thanks again. My son is now in ninth grade and not much of a writer. These now give me hope in addition to amusement.

6

I like this sentence. It almost feels proverbial.

7

It sounds better in the original Klingon.

8

This guy has the potential to win a Bulwer-Lytton prize.

Living on an island that is not surrounded by water I appreciate the clarification.

9

Unless you live in an active volcano, explain please.

10

See the Location: field.

11

Check his location field.

Though a pedant might point out that he actually lives in the Providence Plantations portion of the state.

12

Do you live on Noman? Cause Noman is an island.

13

A few more gems…
Massachusetts is literally on the opposite side of California.

The future is one of the most terrifying things on this planet mainly bcuz it do not exist yet and we live in it at the same time.

Jesus loved us so much that he has paid the price and has given us the greatest gift that no iPad, Audi R8, or new pair of Nikes could ever replace.

She acts like a tractor beam that sucks me in to abduct me and I love it.

14

What about an iPad, an Audi, AND the Nikes?

15

jaw drops That’s going in my next novella. It’ll be set in the southwest, plenty of Latin, magical realism, Garcia Marquez type action going on. That will be the best line in the whole damn thing…

16

What’s wrong with this one? You’ve never tasted something through your nose? I think it’s provocative. It makes me say “I know that feel.”

17

I mean, seriously, that’s a great line, and I’m not being facetious.

18

Well, aside from the fact that “dirt filled” could really benefit from the addition of a hyphen, the mental image of a scent “coursing” through a nose is just a little problematic.

The sentence extolling the corazon-enhancing effects of eating tortilla ashes IS excellent…

19

Missed the edit window:

In fact, I can seriously imagine the writer’s mother actually saying that to him many years ago.

Or his grandmother having said it to his father a few more years ago.

20

I do enjoy these. Even as I weep for the future of our utes.

So if a kid is not aiming to be an english major, is he/she better or worse off scoring low on these? I know that everyone should be able to express ideas and thoughts in writing better than is often the case. I wish they would. But how does scoring low affect the average (non english major) college student, academically?