Girlfriend spending more and more time with work friends

In My Humble Opinion
1

Not usually one to do this, but I really need some help from some outside opinions. Please forgive the length, and please help as I am really in a dark spot.

Me and my current girlfriend have been together for 2 years now. It has been a great time together and we’re usually on the same page about everything. I am 25 and she is 20.

Most of our time during her school year I go to work 45 min away where I grew up and then stay 2 nights a week there to help on gas. The rest of the nights we are together back where both of our residences are. She is not your average 20 year old college kid, she is very focused on school as a nursing major and rarely drinks, usually when we’re together. We have talked about marriage and kids since we’ve been in it together the first year and we just presume it will happen.

Anyway, I had been cheated on in the past and screwed over by some friends but have never felt the need not to trust her within these 2 years. She recently started a summer camp job where she works with her boss who is a 25 year old lady, another girl her age, and 2 other guys.

I have become increasingly jealous as she has spent more and more time with the group. One of the guys she even snapchats more than me and for some reason that makes me feel uneasy. I wrongly accused her of going out to eat lunch about 3 weeks ago with one of the guy coworkers. She told me a week later on our 2 year anniversery that I should know she would never do anything to jepordize our relationship.

The same guy she snapchats more than me apparently had a thing for one of the other girls but the interest was not returned. While I had my annual guys weekend last weekend (only weekend a year I get to hang out with all my old college buddies), she went out on a boat with all of them and for over an hour at 8pm once they were back, I could not reach her to make sure she was ok because they had been drinking some. On my second attempt to call, she finally answered saying her phone was in her bag and she was driving back home (where we grew up) to see her grandparents and to go to church the next morning.

We had a serious talk Sunday when I got back, as she was visibly upset saying she cant have me accusing and breathing down her neck all the time anymore about it or its going to drive her crazy. One of the guys she views as a jerk (has a gf anyway) and the other when she is talking to alot she and the other girl considers a “gal pal.” Told me I have nothing to worry about and she loves me, I dont need to view the guys like that. She said if it werent for all there friendship she wouldnt have any friends down there this summer because everyone else she knows has gone home.

Monday she came over about 9pm to my place and we were messing around when my “ability” to perform would not happen. She asked me what was wrong and asked if I didnt find her attractive anymore which is obviously not the case, I knew it was nerves I just couldnt tell her that. She told me she wanted to go to sleep and that was the that. She also carried her phone with her everytime she went to the bathroom to shower or to get ready in the morning which seemed odd to me, Im sure shes done it before but its not a recurring thing.

Yesterday morning after she left when she got to work she sent me a message saying “I love you.” which made me feel better. We snapchatted and even talked on the phone a bit throughout the day and everything went ok. I knew she had been invited to go to a country concert tonight with her work friends (only the snapchat guy and 2 other girls this time) and told her to go tonight even after she asked me to tell her If I wanted her to go or not because she wouldnt if I told her no. We have plans to go to a local baseball game tomorrow night and then go to the beach for a night/day friday and saturday before coming back so she can babysit from 6-1 saturday night for some parents she had met the camp. Im also supposed to help her move next weekend into her new place.

I guess im just concerened we havent been spending as much time together recently as we usually have over the past two years while she is seeing these other people and this guy for hours at a time during the day and now going on boats and concerts with them while I’ve really only seen her a few hours in the past week. Is there any reason for concern? I feel like I’m blowing this all out of proportion, but my mind just wont stop trying to trick me.

Thanks in advance to all!

2

Go read Othello.

3

A 20 year old is still growing, and that means changing, maturing.

The trust issue is a personal call; either you trust her or you don’t.

The change in your relationship is something to talk about. Preferably with her instead of the Dope.

Both of you are young and this will happen again in the future. Relationships are about growing together not being stagnant with each other.

4

I don’t think she’s cheating or intending to cheat. I think she’s a young girl who’s finally getting a taste of the real world, and liking it.

Does she ever invite you on these outings with her friends? Maybe you should indicate to her that you would like to start feeling included.

5

She always use to complain that all we did was hang out with my friends so the other night when she was invited to go out with them to eat and drink at a local bar I told her I could come and meet everyone.

We had previously made plans to have a night in together since we hadn’t seen each other in 4-5 days and she said we could just do that instead. When we talked on Sunday I told her that I would like to meet them sometime and she looked somewhat hesitant (in my biased eyes) but agreed.

Im at the point know where I dont want her to feel like im breathing down her neck all the time, which is why I told her I didnt have any problem with her going to the concert tonight with them. (actually pushed our baseball plans back one night)

Ill also say we do alot of things together. We go to the beach or themparks during the summer about every weekend, and go to football games in the fall.

She basically has one best friend and myself that she usually hangs out with as well a few other aquaintinces from school, and the best friend hasnt been down here at all during the summer.

6

Yeah, it sounds like she’s trying to expand her social circle. She feels like you have your group of friends, but she doesn’t have one of her own.

She’s still making time for you. Don’t push the issue about her friends. If she starts consistently blowing off plans with you, however, you might need to have a real chat.

7

Good advice. Thanks man.

During the school year she really doesnt have time for too many friends because of how hard her major is. She just has alot more free time right now and its just different to deal with.

8

I’ll admit I’m not the most qualified in terms of relationship experience, but here are my thoughts. (I’m 26.)

I can understand your feelings of jealousy. Whenever I’ve really liked someone, I’ve found myself thinking of them often and wanting to spend lots of time with them. In fact, I feel that way now with my current girlfriend; she’s very sweet and I’m always happy with her.

If she is off doing other things, and I feel pangs of jealousy, it’s not a trust issue. I implicitly trust my girlfriend and feel secure. I just have to sometimes dismiss those feelings of “Hey, why can’t she be doing that with me?” or “Is she less interested or invested in us?”

Ultimately, it’s just my inexperienced, love-addled mind spinning, churning concern and worry when there’s nothing wrong. Here’s my advice. Enjoy life, enjoy her, and face problems when they manifest; don’t conjure issues when they don’t exist. It sounds to me like you both love each other, and you’re both maturing, and that’s all great. Stay cool and remain understanding—that’s the best thing you can do, according to me.

I’ve found the occasional thought of jealousy doesn’t go away. I treat it as a reminder that I care about her very much, and instead of having it color my feelings or actions in a negative way, use it to further mature myself and fuel my passion for her.

9

For someone like that, it can be really fun to be “in a group” for a while. It’s a novelty, and as you said, not something she can really do during the school year.

Also, if you are looking ahead to marriage and kids, you definitely want a woman who looks to make social connections.

I can understand why the current situation is bugging you and making you feel a bit insecure, but her actions sound totally normal, and I don’t see any evidence that your relationship is jeopardy at this point. Like the Agent says, if the situation changes, then you can worry.

If you find yourself feeling upset about it and talk to her about it, keep the focus on your feelings, not what she’s doing. “This makes me feel insecure” rather than “you’re hanging out with those people too much.”

Good luck.

10

That pretty much describes exactly how I feel right now buddy.

Thanks for the response, it helps tremendously.

11

I think the word novelty is a good way to put it. I know this will all end in a month or so when school starts back for her. I dont think she will completely dismiss them from her life since she will still be in the same town and school as them, I just think it will be obviously toned down some since she has less free time.

She has continuously talked about how ready she is to be engaged. This is def. an eye opener and has made me wake up to realize how wonderful she is.

12

Or, alternatively, go play Othello. With a new girl.

13

Wait, am I understanding this correctly? You were out doing things with your boys all weekend and she went out with some work friends, and you couldn’t reach her for over an hour, and this upset you?

If I read that correctly, then dude… Relax.

What was she supposed to do, sit on the couch at home and pine for you? Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be in touch with them every second of every day. If anything I’d say your girlfriend is starting to mature and you are struggling with the inevitable change that brings. The twenties are a time of tremendous personal growth and change. Things are going to start changing, and keep changing, and if you two are going to make it work you have to change too. That means accepting that every relationship is inherent with a certain degree of risk, and there are elements you can not and will never be able to control. That means being able to go your separate ways from time to time without you having a panic attack.

For the record, I’ve been happily married 8 years - and we married young, at 23. There’s a guy I instant message all the time, every day, sometimes for 1-2 hours. He’s my fitness coach but we are also friends. There is nothing romantic there whatsoever. My husband teases me about it but he is not jealous. He has no reason to be jealous. Likewise, there have been times he’s been out of town and crashed (stayed overnight) with female friends, and I am not jealous.

I’m not saying ya’ll have to take it that far, but trust is critical for any relationship to work. If you want to take things to the next level, you’re going to need that.

14

I understand how it looks, I have just been put through the ringer in the past(cheating, catching my best friend with another gf) and this type of thing is what broke my parents up as well. So it’s almost like its “in my blood” so to speak, to act like this because my father was the same way with my mother.

We dont communicate every second of the day, we never have really, a brief minute phone call or text a couple times a day and then a 5-10 min call at night if we’re not together.

I think its just the first time since we’ve been together she’s really branched out like this in hanging with other guys, and I just haven’t handled it the best.

I appreciate your honesty and answer. I need to work on some things for sure.

15

About the Snapchat thing: I’ve never used it. I get it’s for sending photos, but not exactly how it works and how it’s used. Do you mean they’re sending a lot of photos to each other, or more chatting, less snapping? Because exchanging a lot of pictures would seem a little odd.

16

It’s an app where you can send pictures of the things you see and you can add a short caption to it as well. Most of the time you are sending out one picture to a multiple amount of people. Im second on her most sent to now with the other guy first. Another one of the female co-workers is third.

Im not really concerned with her sending innapropriate pictures to him, it just kinda bugs me a bit.

17

Regarding the girl: I’m sure you like her a whole heap but you at 25 and her at 20 leaves a bit of a generational gap especially since she’s still in school. If you want to break it down game theory style, you have 2 plays. 1 - let her hang out where she may or may not cheat/break up or 2 - clamp down on her and she definitely will break up.

Regarding snapchat - it’s a way of sending pictures from one smartphone to another where the picture self-destructs after a couple seconds. You can use the phone’s innate abilities to screenshot but if you do, it sends a message to the sender that you screenshotted. I know some people that hack their phone to change the button combo of screenshotting to circumvent this. Some people use it to sext but more often it’s just to send trivially interesting things that you see in your daily lives to your friends. It’s like a throwaway text except a picture is worth a thousand words.

18

Maybe you should consider that you would be happier in a relationship with 3 people

19

We do have a pretty big gap, but only in age. We’re about the same in maturity level, all she’s ever wanted is the white picket fence with kids and a husband. Im at that level now.

We ran into each other at the perfect time as she was entering college and I was leaving considering what we wanted for the future.

I think that why this may be so tough right now.

20

Not really, plenty of people make bigger age gaps work.

The reason it’s tough (in my opinion) is because you’re being excessively controlling and- well, not jealous necessarily, but ‘pre-jealous’, if you will.

I don’t subscribe to the idea a lot of people have nowadays that when two people dating (or for that matter, married) their entire lives should revolve around each other. That seems to place entirely too much weight on the relationship, and it’s no wonder that so many modern marriages and relationships break up. It’s healthy for people to have plenty of social ties and friendships that are separate from the person they’re dating.

Just my thoughts, obviously it’s your life (and hers) to live, but I think you should trust your girlfriend and stop trying to micromanage her time.