freaking out about getting my boy into college

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m posting this in MPSIMS and not IMHO because mostly I just need a place to vent these feelings and am not really seeking advice (I suppose I AM seeking "me too"s from other parents).

I am the parent of a shy, compassionate, sensitive, bristly, aimless, handsome, bright, artistic 16 year old boy who is a junior in high school.

I just sorta don’t know how to navigate the whole college thing. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but if I don’t push it he sure as heck ain’t gonna do it himself.

I am not terribly ambitious for him, have no ivy league aspirations, and good thing too because the grades are not there. He hates school and does the minimum to keep me from removing all his dear things (computer, video games, guitar). He surprised me by ending sophomore year with an overall GPA of about 3.1, the result of a lot of work and pulling up some grades that were actually failing (under great pressure from me and his dad, no self-motivation there).

He’ll take the PSAT in a few weeks so we’ll have an idea of test scores. If I had to predict, I’d guess he’d come in somewhere around 70th percentile.

No activities. It takes so much work to push him on schoolwork, pushing him into activities seems like a very bad idea.

I just feel so at a loss as to how to point ourselves at colleges. When I was applying to colleges myself I felt equally confused. I had no idea what qualities of a college might predict what I would like or need. I had very little help from my parents who were busy with younger siblings and demanding jobs.

I went to a state school and that seems like the obvious default to me. Private schools? They’re so expensive and with an average student there wouldn’t be any financial aid right? I was offered some scholarships when I was applying but they weren’t nearly enough to make the schools affordable.

I wonder “what is college even for?” It’s so expensive. I am still a little bitter about all the “just major in what you’re interested in!” advice my own aimless self received. I wish I’d majored in something more oriented toward getting a job. Overall college was a pretty negative experience for me, so I don’t really have a nice “I didn’t know what I was doing but it all worked out!” story to tell. (though I guess it did all work out, I’m pretty happy, though I don’t feel like college had much to do with it).

so, just a big pile of gross feelings and wishing I didn’t have to do this, but feeling like I should.

I would love to hear that you also didn’t know how to help your kid go college but you did and the kid is fine (and now supports you in your old age with their lucrative career).

2

Does he want to go to college?

3

Just try to help him keep his debt load as low as possible. Stupid decisions made as a teenager (racking up credit card debt, borrowing too much for student loans, taking a gap year and never going back to finish college, buying a new car, etc) can haunt you well into your 30s and beyond. Some kids (especially boys, in my experience) take a few extra years before they reach the maturity and independence that you’d expect from an adult.

On one hand, that can be kind of a good thing. If you point him towards college and say, this is what you want to do, and he goes ahead and does it and gets a degree in something, anything, that can only be a good thing for him, long term. Maybe a business degree if he’s got nothing more specific planned.

I’d definitely steer him towards a state university over a private school. The private school might even try to tempt you with a hefty scholarship just to get him started - but it’ll almost never be as good a value as the state school over the long run.

In my experience, the situation that worked best for this type of kid was a college maybe 50-100 miles away from home - far away to be out from under the thumb of the parents, but close enough that any major hijinks will come to light. Set him up in a dorm room with a meal plan, a reasonable but challenging lineup of classes, an adequate but frugal allowance, and a bicycle for getting around campus. No car, no job, no fraternity, no sports, and as few distractions as possible from the business of being a student.

If the grades are good, then rinse and repeat until a degree materializes. If the grades are bad, then he can get demoted down to the community college for the next semester with greater supervision from the parents.

4

You also might want to consider community college for a couple years, to get the basics out of the way and allow him to mature a bit. Much cheaper than full university, and the credits from basic required classes can transfer over to a state school.

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not more or less than he wants to pursue any other course of action.

Sarabellum I really appreciated your answer! It’s really helpful to have it validated that some kids benefit from some pushing and guidance. Much more helpful than a lot of the “well, what is he INTERESTED in?” that I mostly hear. I sense that he needs pushing and guidance, which is partly why I’m freaking out, doubt at my own ability to push and guide him well.

6

I have a very bright, artistic, fun, feminist, smartass of a cousin who graduated from high school in May. She chose to work 2 jobs, save up money, and move into an apartment with her friends. She might go to college in a couple years. Or she might not, and that’s fine too. I’m 31 now, and wish I’d had the (metaphorical) balls and foresight at 18 to go that route.

Not every high schooler is college material. Don’t push him toward it if he doesn’t have a passion for a career that requires a degree, unless you’re offering to foot the entire bill yourself (in which case, push away). Saddling a kid with student loan debt these days (in the middle of a massive bubble, when a degree doesn’t guarantee a job) is **not **good parenting. Unless he’s passionately dedicated to becoming a doctor/social worker/aerospace engineer/teacher/etc, with the grades and ambition to back it up, there’s just not a good reason to coerce him into college. If he even finishes the degree, he won’t make it in the real world if he doesn’t care. You can’t create that drive in any human being but yourself.

7

I agree with this. He can live at home and get some confidence, while not accruing any debt. Then he can go to a state school, and perhaps get out with no, or very little, debt.

He may find that he wants a career in something that doesn’t require a four year degree, too, and will be able to get what he needs in two years at the community college.

8

Skilled trades isn’t an option ? My welder friend made 120K last year.

9

No one sensible knows what they want to do at 16, but are there general areas that are *more * likely than others?

For instance, has he struggled with math and science, or does he do reasonably well with them (a 3.1 would be reasonably well)? Does he detest science, technology, engineering and math subject matter or could he conceivably find happiness with it? Those are graduates who never suffer on the job market.

On the other hand, don’t let people convince you that “useless” majors like philosophy and English have are “unemployable”. It’s a very diverse job market out there for college graduates and people who develop good communication skills will eventually find a place (and if he has, or eventually develops, any thoughts of continuing or professional education, then it’s only the last degree that realistically counts).

I definitely second and third the comments about avoiding debt and probably thinking first about state or city colleges. Look into what sort of need-based aid he would qualify at at different schooling options: merit- and need- based scholarships are often calculated separately and independently. At most schools people of middling income can qualify for at least some need-based scholarships.

The recently published government scorecard of universities has made a lot of data available on costs, award offers, graduation rates and median income ten years out. The Fafsa website also has some helpful information about whether you’ll qualify for Pell grants and other government tuition assistance.

10

Take things one step at a time. Right now, your job is less to write his future, and more to make sure that when the time comes to make choices, as many doors are open to him as reasonably possible.

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Fwiw, I had no clue what I wanted to do throughout most of college, let alone in HS; was a complete adhd-case throughout my schooling ; and spent most of hs playing guitar in my room. I eventually got somewhat ambitious late in undergrad.

My mom was the first in her family to graduate hs, let alone college, and my dad had a ged. Compared to them you are a LOT more informed about the process of college application, and the Internet provides you with a lot more potential insight than they had.

I’m on pace for a lucrative career and no student debt. Your son will be more than fine - a lack of personal ambition or self-motivation at 16 does not mean anything five years down the line. Most people grow up. I think the advice above to have him move out to a state school but not terribly far is wise - some independence goes a long way ; but it is best if he chooses to avoid the many worthless distractions large campuses often provide. (constant inebriation, frat culture, and preoccupation with getting laid vs getting hired).

12

IMHO, the worst thing you can do is send him to college when he has no desire to be there. He’ll flunk right out. You’ve done a great job keeping him in HS. Do you want to spend another 4 years after that hectoring him about his classes and grades? Once he’s 18 he’s legally an adult and you really can’t force him to do anything. One of the best things for talented and intelligent but aimless and unmotivated kids to do is go work for a while. There is nothing wrong with putting off college for a few years until he figures out what he want to do. As he becomes a young adult he will probably realize that a lifetime spent in a McJob is not a very appealing prospect, and a college education starts to look better and better. And honestly, college is simply not for everyone. There are great jobs to be had in trades and skilled work. You say he is good at art. Artists don’t have to go to college (although one could learn a lot and refine natural talents there). They just have to be good artists. Anyway, to reiterate my point: don’t send him to college if he doesn’t want to go there.

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And oh yes – if you’re dead set on getting him in college, I agree that a community college would be the place to start.

14

He seems like a perfect candidate for a gap year experience.

These are two national service programs that take 18 year olds:
CityYear - teaching aide in an inner-city school
Americorps NCCC - general service projects

15

People are different, hard to say here, other than mine was a bit like that too, especially in the motivation area. I finally put it to him like this: “We’'ll put you up for the first year. Just try it. If you don’t like it, come back and try something else–but remember, you might not get another chance.”

16

Realize that a lot can change (for the better) between now and his senior year in high school. I’ve witnessed it a number of times.

17

I’ve always felt as if college was overrated, and I say this as someone with an engineering degree. In high school, I was in the college prep track, taking all the academic courses to ensure any college would be glad to have me. I got into my first choice school with a small scholarship. And I hated it. Some years later, I came across a journal entry I’d written in October of my freshman year, expressing how much I hated it. College was absolutely the wrong thing for me at that point. It wasn’t until I spent some time in the Navy and figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up that I went back to college and graduated.

I’m a firm believer that if you’re not passionate about pursuing a degree/career path, you should take time off and do something - anything - else while you figure out where you want to go. And by time off, I don’t mean hanging out at home while Mom and Dad support your idle butt. If you’re not pursuing a specific career path, you need to be working and contributing to your upkeep, if not living on your own. Many people have successful, rewarding lives without going to college. And if you get your degree at 27 instead of at 22, it’s still a valid degree.

In conclusion, a parent’s job is to prepare any offspring to be productive, contributing members of society. Landscapers and dog groomers can be just as productive as neurosurgeons and rocket scientists - it’s not just about the paycheck. As a parent, you guide, you suggest, you occasionally nag, but you make it clear that after high school, there’s the real world, and it might involve being an overnight stock room laborer, if that’s what it takes to pay the rent.

Good luck!

18

Adding support for this. Heck, I have a HS senior with great grades, test scores, etc., and we have discussed this approach depending on which schools he gets into and his own motivation.

19

Financial aid is often need-based. Some of the most expensive schools in this country require no familial contribution from households with income below a threshold.

20

I was a stellar HS student who had no interest in going to college. But going to college was what people in my family did, so I didn’t feel like I had any choice. I got into the only school I applied for, went for one semester, and hated every damned second of it. I HATED IT. So I quit, got a job, supported myself for a while, decided school was easier, went back, still didn’t care for it, but breezed through it.

But because I didn’t have a goal, I just majored in English and History. Fine degrees, if you have a plan. Less fine if you are just in school because you’re expected to go and graduate.

So, my advice:

Try not to force him into further schooling right now if you can avoid it. Encouraging is not forcing.

Try not to invest HUGE sums of money or take big loan risks on his schooling right now if you can avoid it. That just increases the pressure.

Try to encourage him to think about ways of being and living that he will find interesting and fulfilling, then try to help figure out how to get there from here. It might not be via a college education (though chances are good).

Even goofy degrees can help, either in the job market or in going to professional school.

It’s hard to push a rope. Those of us who didn’t have goals or life plans or dreams at that age can be dragged into things, but we won’t excel until we internalize it. It doesn’t sound like he has internalized it. I didn’t internalize it until I was 40.