12 Short Paragraphs About the Idiots I Encountered Today

  1. To the idiot who had to cut in front of me so that he could get on the freeway a second before me, at 6 in the morning with no other cars around: fuck you, cockmaggot. I hope you drive into a concrete abutment headfirst at 60 mph.

  2. To the idiot driving his truck 55 in a 65 zone in the #2 lane: hey, numbwit, all lanes are clear. Why don’t you move your stupid shitass over a couple of lanes, you fucknut?

  3. To my idiot boss: hey, pal, your vacation’s over. Why not try coming in on time for a change, so I don’t have to do all your shit as well as all my shit first thing in the morning, you asslicking shitmold?

  4. To the idiots in the other department who sent out a memo regarding a program we aren’t actually ready to offer yet: hey you miserable heaps of parrot droppings, how about checking with us first? Now I have to field 10 freaking phone calls an hour, telling people we’re not ready. You fucking shiteaters.

  5. To the idiots at CNN.com: It’s LOSE, not LOOSE, you ignorant shitwads!!

  6. To the idiot loan officer who somehow has been in the business 5 years: just because the Fed raises rates .25 doesn’t mean mortgage rates move up .25 at the same instant, you dissected fetal pig liver.

  7. To the idiot going 35 MPH on the merge lane of the freeway when everyone else was going 70: Stay. Off. The. Road. You pail of dogslobber.

  8. To the idiot who parked their jeep in such a way that I was stuck at the gas station pump for 5 minutes I didn’t have to waste: I hope that jeep dumps you in a ditch, you unbearable shitlicking buttmuncher.

  9. To the idiots at the music store: hi. Hello. Hellooooo! Paying customer here! I’m done shopping and ready to spend CASH MONEY. Anyone? I’m sorry, time’s up. I will be going elsewhere to spend my money. You insignificant stemcells.

  10. To the idiot who was double parked: hey you fucking barfbag, I’m not interested in sitting here in my car as oncoming traffic goes slowly by. I want to GO HOME NOW!!! You shitbrained fuckmonkey.

  11. To the other idiot who was stopped, with a turn signal blinking, in the middle of the street, then, when I was about to go around, started driving 10 mph, still with the blinker, then hitting the brakes, then moving on, then hitting the brakes again. STOP YOUR FUCKING ASS SO I CAN GET AROUND YOU AND GO HOME!!! You monkeybrained shitfuck!

  12. To yet another idiot driver in front of me who apparently wanted to park, on a street with a long empty curb, who decided to try to park by slowing down to 2 mph and then turning the steering wheel ever so slightly, to drift like a continent over to the edge of the curb at an angle with the ass of your car STILL BLOCKING MY WAY!!! You moldy-brained shitmagnet!!!


Or should it be a 12?

With a good therapist, you can get help with your fecalphelia and that tourette’s syndrome.

Yeesh! Did all this happen in one day?

I so agree with all, except the first one. No, you don’t want them to die. You want them to SUFFER! So what you hope for is that they just total the car, withOUT “Gap” insurance. And that they’re upside down on the vehicle, and behind on insurance payments.


Yes, all today, between 6 a.m. and 5:30 p.m., an average of a little over 1 an hour. When my life gets above 1 IPH, I start to wish I lived in a different galaxy.

Hey, well, I wasn’t gonna start a whole thread for this one, but since R_X, has done the honors:

  1. Yo, doughhole in Shipley’s this morning, if you are gonna block access to the the stand with the sugar and creamer with your bulbous ass, and ignore everyone behind you to take TEN FREAKIN’ MINUTES to get your coffee mixed just right (add a packet of sugar, add a bit of creamer, stir 50 times, taste, add a half-packet of sugar, add a bit more creamer, stir fifty times, taste, reach around me to add a cube of ice from the soda machine (WTF?!?))…oh, sorry, you folks still with me? If you’re gonna take as goddam long to do all that as it took to build the Pyramids, don’t turn around and bark at me about giving you a “fucked up look”, as you put it. Count yourself lucky all you got was an eyeroll, numbnuts. And here’s another one for good measure.


What the fuck…

  1. Goddamnit, your drink is full so get the fuck away from the fountain drink machine and move to the side to put the lid on your drink! Do you think I have all day to wait on your slow as a slug and uglier than one self? The nasty look when I reached around you to start filling my drink didn’t make a bit of difference in determining how big of an asshole you are. I never realized a simple drink lid was really an IQ test for some people.

Part of my new book, Assholes I ran into today at Burger King

  1. To the guys who came to install the door to the guest room today: When you show up at 9:35, and I say “you were supposed to be here at 8:30,” your reply should not be “ah, sorry, the traffic gets so bad at 9.” That doesn’t mean shit when you were supposed to be here at 8:30!!!

:smack: 15! :smack:

  1. If the caution sign at the bend on the on ramp says “40 mph”, chances are you could be going a bit faster than 20. In fact, you should probably be going faster than 40 when you get to the end of the on ramp where the speed limit’s 55 and traffic’s usually moving at 60 or more. The only reason I’m not tailgating you is because I hate tailgaters.

  2. To the person tailgating me on that onramp. Believe me, I’d love to move faster myself, but there’s a certain twit going 20 mph, and the laws of physics tell me that if I try to go faster than him with no room to pass, very bad things will happen. Tailgating me won’t make him go faster. I wish it would, but it won’t, so back off!

Hmmm. Maybe I’m not up to going to work today after all. :rolleyes:

  1. To the oblivious bitch who passes me on my left, get 15 feet in front of me, and makes a right turn. Would you even notice it if a 300 lb guy on a bicycle crashes into the right rear corner of your piece of shit car?

A well-crafted rant that honors this board.

Well done.

  1. To the delightful threesome of women golfing ahead of us - none of you are Tiger Woods. Go ahead, take that tee shot. There is simply NO WAY you will injure the nice group 500 yards ahead of you. Honest. And even if you insist on being super cautious and waiting until they clear the green before teeing off - will you fucking well do it and not sit there chatting while 12 people stand around behind you?

#20) To the ignorant slut downstairs that keeps hitting on me, a few points… 1) I am happily married and you know that! 2) I am old enough to be your father! 3) I find you as appealing as a putrid puddle of poodle puke stinking on the sidewalk in the hot August sun!

ca3799 and booka: thank you.

mockingbird: I’d appreciate it - dickwad! - if you’d not - fucknuts! - mock my - doucheslurper! - affliction. You shit splat. (kidding! :slight_smile: )

TwoTrouts: You have elevated what might have merely been, in lesser hands, a good Band Name, into one of the best insults I have read in many days and it bears repeating with reverence:

masterful. :slight_smile:

don’t insult stemcells
I thank you.

#21- The scene: yesterday in the express checkout line at the supermarket. I have just two items, so I want to get in and get out because I have a family function to get to. Meanwhile, the numbcock in front of me has all the time in the world chatting up the cashier and shooting the shit with her. HELLO?! Some of us are in a hurry (that’s what the EXPRESS lane is for, you brainless fuck!) Cut the chatter and get your sorry ass moving, you crusty shitstain!

#22 - To the idiot driving 45mph in the left lane of Route 1 North: If you’re scared of passing the big, bad panel truck during the morning rush, do not get on Massachusetts roadways between the hours midnight and noon, you scabrous waste of complex organics.

#23 To the new customer, with whom we’ve never before done business: We’re happy to do your job and are glad to give you advice on how to go about it. We’re not interested in your life story and all your various jobs! I don’t have time to give you a tour and listen to all your adventures in the industry. I have work to do. I also don’t have time to tell you the same information over and over. Once I’ve told you something it won’t change 10 minutes later. It’s up to you to follow through as we requested and then we’ll do our job, but not if you insist on watching us at every step. That’s called a distraction and I have enough of those already.