I am always amazed, in these sorts of threads, by the number of well meaning persons who wade into to state the painfully obvious. “Tell her get a job/in school or move out!”
I couldn’t agree more with the thinking, but can you really convince yourselves that parents capable of that sort of strength, produce these kinds of children? Parents who could take that one single action, are not the sorts who find themselves with an adult, barely working child, who owes them money, and ignoring her adult responsibilities on such a spectacular scale, living in their house. The two don’t go together.
And Colonial nailed it. Tell her you will inform the police, and do so. Unlike you, they have absolutely no hesitation imposing consequences for actions. It’s their strong point, for the greater good.
You don’t have to suddenly become a type of parent you’re clearly not, over night.
Next time she drives her car, and you know where she’s headed, call the cops. You’d do as much to a neighbour, routinely driving drunk, I should hope. And for the same reason.
I’m going to be such an awful, demanding parent who will probably alienate his children long before it’s time to start wondering why they never visit me in the rest home. For example, I already place many more demands on the Dudeling than the OP places on his daughter … and the Dudeling is only two and a half!
In some states-- including mine, I believe— insurance lapses are reported automatically reported to the license bureau, causing the driver’s license to be suspended.
You’re supposed to be notified, but I knew someone who was pulled over and learned that her license had been suspended for an alleged insurance lapse—which wasn’t the case; she had switched insurance companies, but it caused a huge headache as you can imagine.
I’d do what Valgard suggested. Then, after the week is up, if she does not get insurance, call the cops the next time she drives the car.
She’s not just endangering her own financial well-being by driving without insurance. She’s also putting other people at risk. Does she know this?
I’d also have a serious talk with the wife about what you should expect of her. IMO, you should expect at least one of these things for her to be living with you:
She is paying rent
She is going to school
She is working a minimum number of hours per week
She is looking for a job that offers a minimum number of hours per week
She is caring for someone else who lives in the house
That’s just the minimum that an adult does. An adult does not get to limit their work hours to have more time with friends, without thought for the financial consequences. If she’s living on her own, and makes a decision to make less money so she can spend time with her friends, that’s one thing. But doing that when you’re not financially supporting yourself is not okay. It’s not fair to the person who is financially supporting you.
Talk to your daughter only after you’ve talked to your wife and gotten on the same page with how things should be with your daughter. It’s not going to help if she can play you off against each other.
There should be some consequences for borrowing $800 and not paying it back, too. In the real world, you can’t just borrow money and not pay it back with no consequences. She needs to learn this ASAP.
I agree with those who say it’s time to start setting some limits. “You’ll follow my rules as long as you live under my roof” may be a cliche but it’s also a valid guideline. Set some reasonable rules on what’s unacceptable - driving without insurance, for example, or not maintaining fulltime employment - and make them a condition of living in your home. If she finds these limits unacceptable and thinks she should be able to live her life the way she wants, then she can move out into the real world and see for herself how it works out.
I wouldn’t lock up her car or call the police myself. But I would send her out into the world where there are consequences for bad decisions.
Just a thought. I think the OP needs to decouple the whole how to deal with the insurance thingy from the how to get the kid to be responsible thingy. The latter mostly just involves the kid and the parents. The former has serious implications that involve others.
Also, I think there needs to be slow ramping up of carrots when things are improving and sticks when they are not.
It appears that you and your wife are enabling her behavior. At 19, it’s time she paid rent, bought her own food, and recognized her responsibility to society by buying her own car insurance. Maybe it’s time for a little tough love here. Tell her not to park the car on your property or in front of your house. Offer her a fair rent rate for her room and board, and stick to it. If you take a good look at this, you’ll see that you’re making her lifestyle possible. Don’t blame her for accepting it.
Well, that’s encouraging. She’s willing to work for what she wants (a car, and now just enough money to spend with friends), but no more than that because her needs are taken care of. She won’t work more hours because she doesn’t have to. You can change that.
Other than food and a place to live, are you supporting her in any other way?
If so, I’d stop. If not, I’d forget about it and pray and cry. Unless you want to pay her insurance. I suspect that that’s what going to end up being the case here, at any rate. The amusing thing is, you’ll need her permission to insure her! Ironic, no?
Yours and her problems are way more than this insurance lapse.
I suggest you set a timetable for her to get off on her own. You can still be supportive financially for positive things like school, but reimburse her after she completes a course. That’s why they call it tough love. It will be tough on you too. But if you don’t do it now, you are in for an ocean of grief. You should have prepared for this day 15 years ago.
Not a bad idea, but before you do it, call the police to make sure what their attitude is. For example, if they’re willing to swoop down and nail her, that’s one thing, but I can also imagine that their reaction could possibly be, “We don’t do that sort of thing. You have to wait until she gets stopped by us for some other reason”, in which case your threat will be a dud, and she’ll just laugh until the accident.
I suggest making the threat anyway, and if the local police are uncooperative then
consider spurring them to do something by complaining to regional supervision
and municipal government.
It also occurs to me that the parents could make it hard on the daughter and easier
for the police by fobidding her to park on their property and having the car towed on
the first strike.
If you want to live in my house, one of my rules is that you cannot be a habitual law breaker. I will not harbor a habitual law breaker. So if she were my daughter, I would give her the following options:
Get insurance. If this means you have to work more hours, work more hours.
Easy as cake! Give her a check for $800 as a birthday present. Only make the check payable to you.
Anyway…
Every solution – except paying for her insurance – is going to make you a Bad Guy. I hadn’t thought of the possibility of depriving her of the use of her car being illegal, but doing so would send a message. ‘Pay up or get out’? She’ll be all like ‘My dad hates me! How can they do this to me! If they kick me out and I get raped and murdered, he’ll be sorry!’ Let her drive ‘naked’? It would be a good lesson if she gets pulled over for speeding or something, or if she’s in a minor fender-bender. If she’s in a serious collision she’s not only robbing herself of her own future, she’s also putting someone else’s future at risk. I’ve heard medical bills are a leading cause of bankruptcy. Give her a week and then call the cops? Seems a little passive-aggressive to me. Again, you’re t Bad Guy Who Called The Cops On His Own Daughter.
