I need some help. I’ve been thinking for a few weeks now that my novels should’ve been written in first person instead of third (this is the second one of the series). I’ve made a copy of my novel-in-progress and I’m checking to see if it sounds more natural in first person. Would some of you read the following three paragraphs and see which one sounds better? They should be identical except for the POV.
Phaidra Johnson didn’t realize someone was in her room until a hand clamped over her mouth. She woke suddenly, pissed at her landlord for the cheap electronic locks on her front door, pissed that she lived in a building that didn’t have an alarm system, but mostly pissed at herself for falling into such a deep sleep. That sort of thing could get you killed.
“He said you were a pretty sweet piece of ass,” the intruder growled. “Guess he was right.” With his free hand, he ripped aside her comforter and snaked a hand under her t-shirt. She couldn’t see much in the dim light coming from her alarm clock. Tall. His hand was callused and very strong. He stank, smelled of stale sweat and beer. His voice was nasally, as if he’d had his nose broken a few times.
Her nine millimeter was on the bedside table, but she wouldn’t be able to grab it without him noticing. Her twenty-two was on the kitchen table instead of under her pillow. She had started to clean it last night and stupidly left it for the night.
I didn’t realize someone was in my room until a hand clamped over my mouth. I woke suddenly, pissed at my landlord for the cheap electronic locks on my front door, pissed that I lived in a building that didn’t have an alarm system, but mostly pissed at myself for falling into such a deep sleep. That sort of thing could get you killed.
“He said you were a pretty sweet piece of ass,” the intruder growled. “Guess he was right.” With his free hand, he ripped aside my comforter and snaked a hand under my t-shirt. I couldn’t see much in the dim light coming from my alarm clock. Tall. His hand was callused and very strong. He stank, smelled of stale sweat and beer. His voice was nasally, as if he’d had his nose broken a few times.
My nine millimeter was on the bedside table, but I wouldn’t be able to grab it without him noticing. My twenty-two was on the kitchen table instead of under my pillow. I started to clean it last night and stupidly left it for the night.
I prefer the immediacy of the first person POV but I’m not sure you can stylistically use precisely the same language when describing the scenes simply by switching POV. When the POV changes, a person’s interests in what’s around them and what’s going on does, too. If you compare the POV impressions of me and my father upon entering a strange house for the first time, for example, I’ll notice odors before he does because he’s perpetually congested and has a dim sense of smell. He’ll notice books, art, and furniture and the condition of the home whereas I’ll be attracted to the newness of appliances, color schemes and plants.
A woman who’s been abducted inside her home probrably won’t be immediately thinking like the author in a third person narrative sense, of the man’s callused hands and nasally voice and body odor, especially after she hears the words, “He said you’re a sweet piece of ass.” She’s going to be panicky, disoriented, thinking (if she’s sharp) who’s “he”, about her own possible rape and concentrating on her hands on those two guns she owns.
I think you’re on the right track, tho. It’s a start but you have some deleting and rewriting to do.
If you’re going to write in first person, a lot of what you have as descriptive text will need to be changed to speech or thought. For example, instead of
My nine millimeter was on the bedside table, but I wouldn’t be able to grab it without him noticing. My twenty-two was on the kitchen table instead of under my pillow. I started to clean it last night and stupidly left it for the night.
You might have something like
“Damn. Why did I leave the twenty-two on the kitchen table last night instead of putting it back under the pillow when I finished cleaning it? I can’t reach the nine in the table without him noticing.”
I often think that it is difficult to pull off any sense of danger in the first person. After all, we know the person survived in order to write the story. There are some exceptions to this, as I’m sure many a doper will point out. For that reason, I often prefer third person.
Thank you for your advice, Askia! I didn’t want to rewrite the 1st-person POV for this, because I was afraid it would create too much bias, being more edited than the original. I agree with you that it would sound weird just replacing the pronouns. One thing I love about first-person is that the narrator is often talking to you, the reader, and has the opportunity to express thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with the story.
Example:
He grabbed my left breast and fondled it roughly, pinching and twisting until I had to bite my cheek to keep from crying out in pain. “Never let ‘em see they got to you,” my father always told me. Then he walked out on us when I was eleven. I guess we got to him.
That last sentence (and maybe all but the first sentence) would’ve been a bit harder to fit into 3rd person as smoothly.
Well, now, didn’t mean to ignore you two, Clothahump and Khadaji. I should’ve previewed before I posted. Thank you for your advice and input! Your inputs mesh with my husband’s. He thought the first person version sounded “weird,” like “a romance novel or erotic story.”
I think the term is called an unreliable narrator, if I remember a Dean Koontz book correctly. It’s probably very hard to do correctly so you don’t cheat the reader. American Beauty may be an example of this. Spoilers: The narrator/lead character tells you within the first thirty seconds that he’s going to die and then proceeds to let you forget it until it happens.
Khadaji. If the narrator is clearly writing the later recollections of what happened you have a point. If the first person narrative is in real-time and mostly the internalized thoughts and speech of the person in danger, the immediacy is quite easy to do and so is audience sympathy and fear for the character if the details are authentic enough. Avoiding obvious exposition is always hard.
A (clumsy) rewrite:
Then a voice from the dark said, “He said you were a sweet piece of ass.”
I sucked in the air as I heard him come closer, slow heavy footsteps on the floor. I tried to run but he was on top of me, pushing me back on the mattress and pinning me down easily with the strength of his one arm and his body on top of mine. He reached down with one free hand groped my breasts, over the shirt, under the shirt. God. He smelled ripe and drunk. My guns. I thought: My nine is still on the bedside table. He hasn’t seen it. He doesn’t know about the .22.
I don’t realize someone is in my room until a hand clamps over my mouth. I wake suddenly, pissed at my landlord for the cheap electronic locks on my front door, pissed that I live in a building that doesn’t have an alarm system, but mostly pissed at myself for falling into such a deep sleep. That sort of thing could get you killed.
“He said you were a pretty sweet piece of ass,” the intruder growls. “Guess he was right.” With his free hand, he rips aside my comforter and snakes a hand under my t-shirt. I can’t see much in the dim light coming from my alarm clock…
Or you could go for 2nd person future tense:
You won’t realize someone is in your room until a hand clamps over your mouth. You’ll awaken suddenly, pissed at your landlord for the cheap electronic locks on your front door, pissed that you live in a building that doesn’t have an alarm system, but mostly pissed at yourself for falling into such a deep sleep. That sort of thing can get you killed.
“He said you were a pretty sweet piece of ass,” the intruder shall growl. “Guess he was right.” With his free hand, he will rip aside your comforter and snake a hand under your t-shirt.,
I don’t know if you’re joking, but 2nd future always sounds like a choose your own adventure to me. Or a really bad attempt at an erotic story. My reaction is always, “I will? I don’t think so.”
Future tense? Present tense? Piffle! How about the seeming uncertainty of the conditional mood:
I wouldn’t realize someone would be in my room until a hand would be clamped over my mouth. I would awaken suddenly, be pissed at my landlord for the cheap electronic locks on my front door, be pissed that I lived in a building that didn’t have an alarm system, but mostly would be pissed at myself for falling into such a deep sleep. That sort of thing could get you killed.
“He said you were a pretty sweet piece of ass,” the intruder would growl. “Guess he was right.” With his free hand, he would rip aside my comforter and snake a hand under my t-shirt. I wouldn’t be able to see much in the dim light that would be come from my alarm clock. Tall. His hand would be callused and very strong. He would stink, would smell of stale sweat and beer. His voice would be nasally, as if he’d had his nose broken a few times.
My nine millimeter would be on the bedside table, but I wouldn’t be able to grab it without him noticing. My twenty-two would be on the kitchen table instead of under my pillow. I would have started to clean it last night and would stupidly leave it for the night.
There are some other things that you should consider. Will you ever want to change point of view? Will you ever want to show something happening that your main viewpoint character can’t see. With first person this gets difficult to do or fake - you must sneak your character in somewhere, or have some other character explain things to her.
You can be pretty immediate in third person also, by showing her thoughts.
Orson Scott Card’s book Characters and Viewpoint from Writers Digest Press has a very good discussion of this. If you’re undecided, it’s worth picking up.
I find that first person works best for accuracy, but if I have to pilot a vehicle I switch to 3rd person so I can see whether or not I’m about to run somebody over (whether or not that’s a good thing depends on which side they’re on), and then if there’s somebody to shoot I switch back to 1st person (or the seat with the machine gun, which defaults back to 1st person anyway).
How about 3rd person, omniscient, present tense, with multiple POVs in each paragraph?
Phaidra Johnson doesn’t realize someone is in her room until a hand clamps over her mouth. The intruder sees her wake suddenly and knows she’s pissed at her landlord for the cheap electronic locks on her front door, pissed that she lives in a building that doesn’t have an alarm system, but mostly pissed at herself for falling into such a deep sleep. Phaidra is indeed angry. She knows that sort of thing could get you killed.
It’s hard to say from just a few paragraphs which method you should use. 1st person is best if you want the POV of everything happening in the novel to be from one character. (In this case, I’m assuming it would be Phaidra) As you write your novel do you want Phaidra to tell *you * what is happening or do you want to be omniscient and already know the beginning, middle, and end and tell the reader about Phaidra’s experience?
In my estimation, 1st person is a little more difficult to pull off. It’s like trying to describe a dream to someone.
I also personally like to take up the view that even if the narrator dies a the end, they can still be the narrator. That’s just because I like f***ing with the reader.
Rather than start a new thread, I’ll just post here. I just got a sick feeling in my stomach because this is the month my D&D adventure is released, and someone on their boards was asking if it’s out yet. I’m terrified. What if everyone hates it? What if it doesn’t sell well? What if they find tons of mistakes? What if people just find it boring or stupid? I need a pukey smiley.
I need a pukey smiley.