Five nil. An adequate response.
Not much to say other than I had a tear in my eye watching the final celebrations going on, despite the fact it wasn’t much of a series. It’s annoying that England got so much of the wrong side of the umpiring, seeing as they could quite easily have had themselves thrashed even without it. It’s one thing to have an umpire not give out a close caught behind off Warne, but then a whole other thing to have Mahmood stuff up an easy run out chance not long after.
One thing in England’s favour - the looks on the faces of their players after the match was (as would be expected) just the same as the looks on the faces of the Aussies after 2005 - we can only hope, for the sake of the Ashes, that they take the same attitude as their opponents did and work their arses off getting better by 2009.
As an Australian, being in the UK after the last series where we lost was an exercise in wandering around and keeping your mouth shut. There was a lot of back slapping etc (naturally). But the constant harping of “the greatest series ever” became monotonous. It was a close fought series and Australia, due a lot to arrogance, poor selections, and poor decision making lost a close series.
A lot of people were hoping for a close fought series. I would have been happy with 4 - 0 to Australia. A lot of the problems that dogged Australia last time are now evident in the English side.
That said, they have a number of good prospects. I like the look of Bell, Read is a good keeper who needs to develop his batting (only number 11 can afford to be a rabbit these days- especially batting an allrounder at 6) and Panesar may go on with it. I can’t believe the UK tabloid claim he is the best finger spinner in the world. Vettori should take that mantle.
Oh, an emphatic, crushing, humilating 5-0 drubbing, at that! Most satisfactory. In 1920/21, we won by a combined margin of 19 wickets and 587 runs - this season it was 26 and 582.
Two English batsmen averaged over 40 against 8 Australians. None of England’s front line attack had an average better than the worst of Australia’s frontline bowlers.
So, let’s look at the people who made this series so very, very special…
First, the Englishman
Strauss - weighed, measured and found wanting.
Cook and Bell. I can’t help but think that if you cut these guys up and stitched together the best bits you may have a test batsman. Gory fun as that may be, I still feel Bell has some potential. He’s a thinker - Cook most assuredly is not.
Collingwood - Fell apart utterley in the last three games. Reminds me of Brad Hodge (and that ain’t good). Victim of the second best ever sledge in cricket history* when Warne tagged him as “the guy who got an MBE for scoring 7 at the Oval”.
Pietersen - is he the new Mark Waugh (not a compliment - see below) or the new Geoff Boycott (loves that red ink)? Obviously a fine player but seems ot be too easily rattled and doesn’t have much heart for toughing things out.
Flintoff had his moments with both bat and ball, despite the handicap of batting a spot too high and bowling half crocked with no support. Sheer force of will seemed to be getting him through at times. An inept disgrace as captian, though, and should be removed immediately. We had the pricless “snap” moment, the moment all Australian fans look for when an England captain finally cracks under the pressure, during Gilchrist’s onslaught in Perth, as his body language was of that of a man who had lost all hope of deliverance. A sweet moment.
Read and Jones Read is a class act behind the stumps, liked him a lot. His batting is so so but he hardly came into a confident batting side. A definite “keeper”. Jones, on the other hand, well… maybe he can unearth a Zimbabwean great grandmother and go play for them.
Panesar and Giles Could never understand “Montymania”. The guy took two wickets in two tests. Finger spin is usually grist for the mill down here. So the hue and cry over including him was somewhat mystifying, until I realised *it was to include him at the expense * of Ashley Giles. Aaaah. Well that makes perfect sense. I could understand the clamour to include the exhumed corpse of Colin Cowdery at the expense of Ashley Giles. What a waste of Spain, errr space.
Hoggard Highlight of England’s series, surely was Hoggard bowling Langer with a jaffa first ball in the second innings at Perth. More emblematic of England tour was the fact that Hoggard ended that innings with 1/85. Big hearted, good hearted performer who had his moments, but the burden of carrying England’s woebegotten bowling prosects was too great even for his mighty heart.
Harmison. The wide was comedy gold, but to include it in the reasons England lost is over-rating it. England lost because Harmison spent three tests as the ostensible leader of the attack wandering about like a little lost boy, only regrouping slightly in the last two. And like anyone who batted 7 or lower for England,t he less said about batting the better
Anderson and Mahmood Anderson was a surprise selection for the first test and a baffling, incomprehensible one for the second. He was treated with prime disrespect by the Australians, both players and fans alike. Mahmood is quite simply one of the worst cricketers ever brought out here by a touring side. Not only did he shame and embarass himself, he shamed and embarassed his team and he shamed and embarassed Engligh manhood. Next to Mahmood. Ashley Giles is Ian Botham - the good Ian Botham, not the fat clapped out one that payed for Queensland, either.
The Australians
Langer Langer was the psychological blue touchpaper for the Australian team, and it was his 82 at Brisbane which was the statement of intent for the team. He fell away badly after that, but he kept that attacking raison d’ete which at least set the Aussies in go forward mode in every innings they played
Hayden Spent the first three tests looking not out of form, but not really in form either. His 100 was not work of art, as well, but once he got there, you could see the old Matt Hayden back.
Ponting The king. Imperious with the bat, invincible in the field, infallible as captan. He had his own personal, failure to erase this time and did it magnificently. From now on he is the demi-god who crushed the Chooms 5-0 and not the jackass that lost our Ashes. he is the King, and I for one welcome our new Tasmanian overlord.
Martyn A riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a conundrum.
Hussey Serene, confident, unspectacular and reassuring. Things were always in control with Huss at the crease. And somehow, not matter what the score, they were somewhat less certain in the short term after he left. His influence as one of Ponting’s advisors grew noticeably over the series, too
Clarke (the blond) I’m never 100% convinced about Clarke. I like the way he makes 100’s into BIG hundreds, I like the way he plays the spinners, but gee, he’s got some silly stuff in his game that has to go. Then again, he is not Brad Hodge so that scores heavily in his favour. And he’s awfully pretty and from NSW, so he’ll be in the team for yonks.
Symonds Michael Clarke on steriods. Shane Watson on two legs. The guy is obviously a tonic for the team (and a dimetrically different personality from Martyn) and they win when he is in the side. His bowling was economical, as well.
Gilchrist Hmmmm. Glovework impeccable, approaching Healy-esque. I am not sure we are not seeing a batsman in a gradual but terminal decline, though. If he sticks, he sticks, but too often he doesn’t even get warm.
Lee Got better as the series went on and needed, desperately, to. I find it very hard, despite my strong desire, to dislike Brett Lee. He’s an outstanding young fellow, apparently a genuinely nice and level headed guy and he is maturing a lot as a bowler (and is a handy bat and fast becoming an excellent fielder). But I have this insane desire to dislike him. Why, oh why?**
Warne How can you not love the bloke? Bowled like a busted ar**hole most of the time, turned on the genius when most needed, batted like a savant (only one Englishman topped his average) and kept the sledge-o-meter ticking over in fine style. It’s just not going to be the same without him… well, we’ll keep beating England 5-0, but a big part of summer is gone…
Clarke, the less attractive Wow! this guy is a revelation! You just knew he was going to take wickets every time he touched the ball. I can’t believe certain loud mouths (i.e. me) advocated playing Mitchell Johnston ahead of him. Clearly my opinions on cricket have no business being recorded
McGrath You could tell the end was near for Pidge - the 6/50 was the final great haul - but he was just such an integral part of the ethic of this team. There were times when he looked human and moreso, but the guy’s will, his strangth of character saw him through to 21 cheap wickets and an economical rate. What a
reat man, what a great cricketer.
So? Who’s next. No tests for 11 months, It’s going to be hard to top the summer of 06/07!!
*of course, the best sledge ever being the priceless exchange between Eddo Brandes and Glenn McGrath in which Brandes complimented the culinary skills of McGrath’s wife.
** possibly because he replaced Scott Muller (who?) in the test side when Muller had done nothing to deserve being dropped. Muller is a Queenslander - hence my outrage
Gentlemen, gentlemen, we were fucking pathetic.
I’ve seen kids in the park play with more spirit
Well Clark and Clarke would be sufficient to distinguish them 
.
Very few points I disagree with…but- Ponting’s captaincy is reactive, not proactive. I don’t think he is as good as Taylor, for instance.
Gilchrist behind the stumps- no where near Healy. Not within a bulls roar.
Chowder, I don’t want to appear as goading the English team, but I agree with you. In discussions in the radio the other day Doug Walters was reported as saying that he doesn’t believe this Australian side is as good as a few years ago, when the players were at their prime. I agree. The 5- 0 doesn’t sit well with me because I don’t think Australia are that good.
Anyway, I hope to be in England in 2009 to see a Test on English soil.
The great thing about Ponting’s captaincy is his cruelty, his remorselessness. he not only breaks games, he breaks teams and he breaks men. I like that! I agree Taylor was a better skip, but Ponting supasses Waugh by lightyears.
Gilchrist is *approaching * Healy-esque. He’s not Healy by any means, but he is becoming a very very fine 'keeper.
Disagree entirely. You need to dig out old tapes of the balance and speed Healy had behind the stumps.
For ruthlessness Ponting is not close to Waugh. Waugh could remember the losing years of the 80’s and crushed opposition- he would not give them a sniff. Ponting did. Waugh would not have risked losing a test for instance by allowing Gillespie making a double ton.
Maybe we should just disagree on those points.
True dat. There should be some MBEs handed back after a display like that. Several times England were in a position to make a fight of it, and every time they started playing as though hypnotised. It’s the spinelessness that gets up our nose. (Well, that and crowing Aussies, but you might as well complain about the sea being salty. 
)
Someone said upthread about the umpiring, and I agree, and I’ve mentioned instances as I’ve heard about them, but Illingworth’s party in 1970-71 brought home the Ashes despite not getting one single lbw all series, so staving off a whitewash shouldn’t have been out of the question.
Never mind, there’s always the Rugby world cup. eats bullet
My favourite cricket sledges are two where Aussies got a great comeback.
Shane Warne to his South African “bunny” Darryl Cullinan on his comeback, “I’ve been waiting two years to humiliate you again.” Cullinan replied, “Looks like you spent it eating.”
And Mark Waugh’s comment to James Ormond, “Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.” Ormond replied, “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”
But what about the most famous example ever of an Aussie getting a serve back -
McGrath to Sarwan “so mate, what does Brian Lara’s d*** taste like?”
Sarwan - “I dunno, ask yer wife”. McGrath totally lost his rag.
mm
- Merv Hughes has just bowled an absolute jaffa to Robin Smith, who hadn’t a clue how to play it.
Merv: Smith, you can’t fucking bat!
Robin: studied indifference
- Merv Hughes follows up with a complete lollipop that Smith dismisses curtly to the boundary.
Robin: We make a good pair don’t we? I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl!
Merv: much bristling of moustache
One of the guys at work went on a Merv Hughes led Ashes tour in 2005 apparently it was quite a hoot.
Merv is standing glaring at Viv Richards who says, “In my culture we just go back and bowl.”
Merv gets Viv out and yells to him, “In my culture we just say ‘Fuck Off!’”
Then there was the time that Beefy bowled Viv a snorter that even the great man could help getting some bat-handle onto. He stood there pointedly rubbing his forearm and the umpire, after some thought, gave it not out. At the end of the over Botham crossly demanded to be shown the bruise. Richards just smiled genially and said “Hey, we don’t bruise!”.
I’d’ve liked to watch George Gunn, who used to like to wander down the wicket to quick bowlers and once asked a perspiring paceman (Tibby Cotter) when he was going to send down his fast one.
Short memory or still getting over the 5-0 euphoria? If it’s the latter it can be forgiven
Ponting did well with a team that pretty much picked itself. His batting is outstanding, no question. He still has many series as captain to consider himself on a par with Taylor or Waugh. The two double centuries he allowed in Gillepse and Hodge are both examples of his prior lack of ruthlessness, and this series certainly wasn’t won as a result of his captaincy (although Flintoffs poor captaincy certainly contributed to Englands woes). His real test is in the coming years when he will have to captain a much younger and more inexperienced side. Not having Warne at his side will be a test also. I’m not saying I don’t think he can one day be as good as Taylor and Waugh. He’s not proved himself yet though.
Waugh was the guy that dropped Warne for MacGill when Warne was having a bad patch. “You have to make these decisions with the head and not with the heart” remember? Flintoff and Fletcher could have used a bit of that when picking the team for the first two tests. Monty mania is justified if only to hear Bill Lawry say “Good on ya Monty.” He has a lot of heart and more experience will allow him to dictate the field placings so he can be more attacking. Some of the field placings for Monty were horrible and defensive. Warne would never have allowed that. I’m as Aussie as they come, but I just love watching Monty and I hope we see a lot more of him. I hope they pick him for the ODIs.
All I remember about Gilchrists performance is that he missed a sitter of a stumping. I think he does the job well enough. He’s no Geraint Jones.
Possibly a story embellished by time, but Malcolm Marshall was working over David Boon in particularly torrid spell, with Boon waving and missing outside his off stump. Marshall came down the pitch after one particularly close shave and asked Boonie “Now David, are you going to get out like a good boy - or do I have to go around the wicket… and kill you?”