This is inspired by the SDMB Weight Loss Club, which has been so useful to so many of us. That series of threads has been so chock full of great ideas and loving support and ignorance fighting that it has made many of us thinner and healthier. In the past 19 months, I’ve lost more than 50 pounds, and can confidently say that I will double that loss. While I did most of the work on my own, the SDMB was vital to my efforts. I’ve added years to my life because of that thread series.
So why wouldn’t the same idea work for those of us who would like to lead more social lives?
This is not to be a thread about, as one Doper put it (paraphrased) how to “Distract drunk girls while you stick it to them.” It’s about how to increase your social network without benefit of formal introductions. It’s about having the sack to go up to a complete stranger and initiate a conversation and close the deal with a phone number or e-mail address. It’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin.
And it’s sort of a support group where we can hold each other accountable for taking control of our own social lives. It would be great to see people ring in with “I opened a two set today” or “I touched a stranger’s shoulder and she didn’t shoot me or call me a creep” or “I got a phone number!”
The tone of the thread should be positive and supportive.
The target audience of the thread is lonely men who have never been very good at meeting women. However, anyone seeking help or offering advice is welcome. Heterosexual men are not the only lonely people out there, as we all know.
Maybe ‘Pickup Artist’ isn’t the best name for it, though; perhaps we could call it the ‘Being more social’ thread.
I went to two Dopefests this month, and that was good.
And on the bus, I suddenly snapped out of my characteristic Torontonian ‘don’t get involved’ attitude and helped two people on and off the bus with bundlebuggy and stroller.
I can’t really say I opened a one set this morning*, but I was at least a little social. Normally if someone sits next to me on a bus or trolley, I might smile at them, or usually just look the other way. But this morning when a woman sat next to me, I said hi. She said hi right back. A minute or two later, we had a nice little conversation about how cell phones suck. When I left, I asked her to pardon me, and I gave her a light touch on the shoulder. (I need to learn to be more touchy.) Amazingly, she didn’t kick me in the balls!
I’m sure that’s nothing for most people, but it was a huge step forward for me.
*A one set is pickup artist-speak for a group of one. A two set is a group of two. Guess how many in a five set?
Dopefests are great, because you get to interact with a lot of people with whom you already have something in common. It’s good practice, as well as a great way to talk with fun (and smart!) people.
I like it when Doper guys ask what ‘really works’ or what comes across as ‘really creepy’ and get constructive answers. Good luck with this! But as a hot broad who doesn’t like strangers or small talk, I’ve only ever known one thing to work on 99% of women (and by ‘work’ I mean in getting her to talk to you out of the blue) – a cute puppy. Or, on occasion, kitten. I saw a boy ‘walking’ a kitten in the park and told my boyfriend we were through.
When I started this thread, I totally forgot that we now have a Doper Flirting board. It hasn’t really taken off. But I posted a picture of myself there. I was interested in opinions of how I looked without my beard. Two wimmens folks said my chin looked fine, but the Hawaiian shirt had to go.
Opinions? Are Hawaiian shirts an instant turn-off? If so, I need to completely update half of my wardobe.
I posted something similar in another forum the other day.
Okay here’s what I’ve had some mediocre success with.
Keep it casual. Need to make the situation seem like you’re talking to her just to talk to her. Then if you can pull off some decent conversation… well I don’t know I always get past the decent conversation then chicken out and make my escape.
I’m such a wuss.
There was this one female though back in Rhode Island where I’d buy my soda when I lived there. She was the cashier and we’d talk abit every night on my nightly pop run.
Well I got it in my head that maybe she was interested. I knew I’d chicken out and and act super dorky if I tried to ask her out. So I made a note, and folded it up taking some time to write various witicisms about unfolding it in the folds, things like “if this note was an infomercial it’d say just 3 easy unfolds to go!” The note said “now that I have your attention if you’d like to got a movie or to a restaurant or something give me a call at (xxx) xxx-xxxx”
Well I confidently went down and got my pop for the even and she was working that night so I smiled a friendly smile said “hey I should give you this”, gave her the note and got the fuck out of there.
About a block away the nerves hit and I was like “wtf did I just do?”
Well she never called. I figure either she wasn’t interested, had a boyfriend or husband, I totally creeped her out, or most probably my hand writing was illegable. It’s not the clearest script in the world lol.
For what it’s worth a female friend said it was a totally cool thing to do and she wishes someone would something like that and a mail friend said I prolly caught her off guard and creeped her out.
Now I wish I just maned up and asked her straight out cause then I’d know.
One technique I’ve heard is to never approach someone directly. It has skeevy written all over it. Make it look like you’re walking past her, then, “Hey, nice shoes!”
That’s good for about 10 seconds of conversation, but then what? That’s where I get stuck, too. “So, uh… Do you like… stuff?” And I’m done. Nothing can salvage that.
I’ve often heard of the Johnny Carson technique. Listen to what the person says, mirror it, then ask a followup question. Most people’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves, so get them to talk about that. But keep it from getting creepy and invasive. It’s not an interrogation.
Aye, the part after a little decent conversation if I hadn’t gotten distracted in the middle of ti would be “then try and get her number”
Exactly! Have to keep it casual I think.
What about like the shoe thing but instead for an opener “excuse me ma’am you have the time?” then when she pulls out her arm to look at the time “hey that’s an interesting watch” then hope she starts talking about it and go off in conversation from there.
I’ve tried that, and sometimes it works. The thing is, what if she doesn’t have a watch? Not only do you not have something to talk about, but unless she’s really friendly, you have no more reason to talk to her at all. In fact, in order to not look skeevy, you have to then go look for someone else with a watch.
Seems like it would be better to ask something less conditional.
But one time I asked an attractive stranger if she had the time. She was very helpful, and began rummaging through her purse. She was really digging deep, as she was really invested in helping me out. It finally dawned on me what she was doing, and so I corrected her: “I said time, not dime!” We had a good little laugh about that, and had a nice conversation.
I wonder what happens if you just screw all the pretense and come out with
“do you have a date this friday? and if not wanna change that?”
coffeeshop might be a good place to meet someone. Just bring a book or laptop, and wait till a lone female sets down near you. Try a little conversaion and if she seems receptive keep going! If she don’t, go back to reading the dope!
A number of women on this board have suggested the direct approach, but I have serious skepticism about it. I’d be afraid of getting the old “I don’t even know you!”
A coffee shop might work. But once again you’re counting on an available girl to sit next to you. In my experience, that doesn’t usually happen. You have no control over it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about where to meet women. Where are all the nightclubs full of single women? I was thinking this today during lunch, as I was taking a stroll around the medical school. There were women there. I counted 37, and I’m sure I missed a few. Granted, it was lunchtime on a beautiful day. Granted, some of those women were too old, or too young. No doubt some are married. Clearly one had a boyfriend. It dawned on me that the place to meet new people is called Planet Earth. It’s chock full of people.
I think we have to adjust our game to meet people where they are, not where we hope they might show up.
’luci, no need to be George Clooney. I’ve known guys who had plenty of success, and they were no better looking than Anthony Edwards.
I think it’s all in the approche. One thing I’ve noticed is normal people are well, suggestible, if you don’t seem to think it’s a big deal then they won’t.
I’ve heard wingmen are supposed to be good with this kind of thing. The idea being you feel safer\more confident with an alley. Plus they can help the situation along sometimes.
If you were anywhere near Kalamazoo I have some wingmen theory I wouldn’t mind trying.
Depends on the coffeeshop. I think the big thing though is to put yourself in social places. There’s bound to be some single women in there at some point. The one I used to go to was pretty quiet and laid back so you could usually start a convo a couple tables away.
I looked in the phone book for that, no dice. If they’re around though they’re also full of dudes. Women are like smoke because where there’s women there’s dudes trying to make things er hot.
Not to mention you end up plenty of situations where you could start a
conversation like shopping lines, elevators, restaurants, swimming, ect.
I think the secret to adjusting the game is learning to be creative with the situation, and improvise on the spot.
Like how spontaneous humor is usually more funny then recited humor.
Yep. But I also think you have to have some tools that you can use anywhere. Opening lines and such.
This city used to have occasional singles mixers, but I haven’t seen any lately. Googling on “boston singles events” comes up with some hits, but nothing like basic dance club stuff. Speed dating, yes. Dating for Jews, seniors, horse enthusiasts, stuff like that. I guess I just have to keep my eyes open and look at events calendars.
I loves me a good Hawaiian shirt. This summer I’ve bought myself two. Both of them are men’s because women’s Hawaiian shirts suck in the cool graphics department. Here on the mainland, at least. I say wear your shirts with pride, tdn. Just make sure they aren’t too baggy so a gal see that all your dieting and working out have brought about great improvements to your physique.
My suggestion is to decide on something you like to do, or at least sounds interesting, and go sign up for a group that does it. Take a writing class, join a cycling club, go to a poetry slam, whatever. Hell, I met my wife at a D&D game. If you get hung up on the idea of finding a date, your brain stalls out and you don’t get anywhere. But if you relax and have fun, and there’s other people around also having fun, you will have better luck.
