40 things you would never hear a southerner say

a friend sent me this and i thought it was pretty good:

  1. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
  2. Duct tape won’t fix that.
  3. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  4. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
  5. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
  6. Honey, do you think my sideburns are too long?
  7. You can’t feed that to the dog.
  8. I thought Graceland was tacky.
  9. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
  10. Wrasslin’s fake.
  11. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  12. We’re vegetarians.
  13. Do you think my gut is too big?
  14. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
  15. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
  16. Who’s Richard Petty?
  17. Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.
  18. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  19. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
  20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  21. Trim the fat off that steak.
  22. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  23. The tires on that truck are too big.
  24. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  25. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
  26. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  27. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  28. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  29. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  30. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  31. Checkmate.
  32. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
  33. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  34. Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen.
  35. I don’t have a favorite college team.
  36. Be sure to put my salad dressing on the side.
  37. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  38. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin.
  39. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
  40. Elvis who?

But the absolute top of them all is:
I don’t think banjo sounds good with that song.

5 things you’ll never hear Northerners say

  1. Excuse me, ma’am.
  2. This mexican food needs more hot sauce!
  3. I think you dropped your wallet sir.
  4. No ketchup please, I’m eating steak for god sake!
  5. Please.

Pfft, says I. Here’s some real ones:

  1. “Reckon the North won fair and square.”
  2. “Robert E. Who?”
  3. “Jefferson What?”
  4. “That’s too spicy.”
  5. “I’m not much for football.”
  6. “Barbeque? Not for me.”
  7. “I’ll have the sushi.”
  8. “Who needs free refills?”

“Ah, heck, she’s only sixteen.”

[ul][li] Chaw? Naw thanks, I’ll have a cigarillo.[/li][li] Mah Moped gets better mileage than yer pickup truck.[/li][li] Tick hound? Hail no, we’re gettin’ a miniature poodle.[/li][li] Pack up honey, we’re moving our double wide![/li] Thet thar Sears catalog is too rough. I want double ply![/ul]

Paging I_Dig_Bad_Boys! I_Dig_Bad_Boys on the white courtesy phone!