$65,000 wedding: what do you think?

In My Humble Opinion
21

That seems like a lot of money, but if the parents can afford it, why not? In my experience, a lot of people don’t really do the sensible thing when it comes to weddings.

Speaking of musicians, the best one I ever attended was that of a jazz musician (F) I knew. His fiancee (V) told a group of us in a jazz club one evening that the date was set, but they were just going to the Courthouse, period. No guests, no family, nothing.

One of the girls from the group said that she had a beautiful dress that she’d only worn once, and that it would fit V. I asked the owner of the jazz club if he’d mind if we had a little celebration in the club. He agreed. Each one of the group agreed to bring a dish for a potluck sort of meal. Some agreed to bring flowers. The musicians who were there that night said that they would come and play, and let other musicians know of the event.

The club was beautiful, everyone had outdone themselves to bring in great food. Someone brought in a huge cake. The bride and groom were glowing. The music was just amazing. I can’t remember a more fun wedding, and I’ve been around quite a few decades.

BTW, I’ve yet to experience a very lavish wedding that I’ve actually enjoyed. I go to them out of affection or respect for the people getting married, the the proceedings are boring, and I would avoid them altogether if I didn’t have a sense of duty.

22

The reality is that a nice party for 200 people costs a lot of money. I’ve been to dinners at nice restaurants that wind up costing $100 a person once you add in things like wine. By that measure, a sit down dinner, with nothing but food and a chair, would be $20,000. Throw in thousands of dollars for entertainment, thousands of dollars for personalized decorations, and other services, $65,000 can show up in a hurry. Yes, you can cheap out on stuff, but if you actually do have the money, and can spend it without harming yourself financially, then going with the cheapo invitations and cash bar doesn’t have as much interest.

I did my wedding with less than half this number of people, in a coffee house, saved money on photographers and transportation, and got a number of things crazy cheap, and it was still thousands of dollars.

23

I don’t really give a rat’s ass in terms how much cash people are spending on their wedding for any other reason than it is a terrible waste of money and taste. I worked high-end weddings in New Orleans every weekend for 3 years. The weddings were gorgeous. We didn’t have many Bridezillas because we took care of everything and usually quite expertly. What I did find disturbing was how people (usually the mother of the bride or the bridemaid) would come up with some petty complaint and the mentality seemed to be that this was a once in a lifetime event. It wasn’t a once in a lifetime event. I had usually done one the day before and sometimes the same day. The guests had undoubtedly gone to many similar thing in their lifetimes.

Most people are incapable of noticing all the expensive details and it just isn’t that important. A somewhat pretty setting with a few finger foods and an open bar are all that it takes to make a good wedding in the minds of family and friends. The rest relies on a good couple, family, and guests to make things fun. You can’t buy those things at any costs. The money is much better spent on down-payments, investments, or just paying off a future child’s college in 20 years in one swoop.

24

Hm. I guess they do it differently in Virginia. Most of the places we saw here included site rental, food, cake, and bar in the price per person (such that most even modest places had a per person of $100 or more).

25

To each his own, but what a frivolous way to spend hard earned money. If the parents feel the need to lavish, they ought to put that down on a nice house for the kids.

26

If it’s more than they can afford, I think it’s a stupid thing to do.

If they can comfortably afford it, fine—I think there’s a lot worse things they can do with it than spend it on a big lavish party to celebrate their daughter’s wedding with family and friends. Just as long as none of the guests feels pressured to buy a gift that costs way more than they can afford, due to the expensiveness of the wedding.

27

I think you really need to consider it in terms of the parents’ income/net worth. For example, I remember hearing about Michael Jordan losing 10s-100s of thousands gambling. Which struck me as outrageous. Until I saw it expressed as a percentage of his salary, and realized it really wasn’t proportionately any more than my quarter/half/buck poker games.

Personally, I am a little uneasy at the idea of a huge blow-out weddings. Just seems so self-indulgent. But that’s just my opinion, and anyone should be free to piss away their money pretty much however they want - so long as it doesn’t create costs for someone else.

28

Well, it is their money.

Traditionally, the bride’s family throws the party. Apparently they can afford it & the young couple is not destitute. Your role is to welcome the young woman into your family. Find a nice dress & enjoy yourself.

You’re free to plan a different wedding for yourself. (Or perhaps you already did.) If you choose to say your vows before the JP & have Domino’s cater the affair–nobody really has the right to complain.

$65,000 sounds high to me, too. But you are going to be related to these people. For many years, one hopes. You may show up in some wedding pictures–smile!

29

I’m not bothered by the raw numbers, but I am curious to see the percentages. How much of the parent’s savings does that $65K represent?

If they’ve got 20 million in the bank then I’d say this was a very modest wedding and they’re being frugal by keeping it so small.

If they’ve got $650 of assets than this wedding is 10% of their net worth. That’s reckless and excessive.

Since the couple still has car payments, I’m leaning towards thinking that this isn’t something the family can afford.

30

I think the $70 per head is just for the dinner. The cost for the booze and for renting the space is additional. The wait staff, china and glassware might also be additional, but I am not sure. The reception site is not catering it; another company is doing the food, I believe, so that is why it is separate. Does that make more sense?

This is where they are having the reception, by the way: The Stephen Decatur House Museum - only one block from the White House, wooo!! :rolleyes:

31

On first blush, it sounds excessive, but as others have said, it’s their choice.

In the circles her parents move in, that may be what’s the norm. Her parents may genuinely enjoy entertaining their guests in a lavish way. Some people do love this kind of thing, and weddings, bar mitzvahs, and other special events are the only opportunities they really have to indulge in this particular way.

I too would rather have the cheaper wedding and use the cash towards some better investment, but who is to say the parents would be willing to fork over the money if it wasn’t going towards the event?

One thing I don’t understand is the snarky remarks about how quickly they may divorce. Cheap weddings are great, and god bless those who have no qualms about saying “suck it” to the wedding industry. However, cheaper wedding are not necessarily a sign of moral superiority or a better relationship. Nor do they mean that couples are investing the extra energy into their marriage. Some marriages are ill-advised from the get-go (no matter how much or little they spend) and some go sour for a variety of reasons.

32

While it seems like a terrible waste of money when the rich spend! spend! spend! and buy frivilous items and services it is actually good for the economy and bad for them. I like it this way.
Think of all the people getting paid for this wedding. Cooks, bakers, planners, band members, dress shop owners, bartenders, etc. etc. It’s a nice distribution of wealth. I would prefer they dump their money back to the little guys than stick it in some investment with a filty rich bank or buy up more property.

Just like all those filthy rich high rollers in Vegas. Throwing their money away to the casinos is dumb for them but great for the people of Nevada who don’t have to pay state income tax because of it.

33

If someone has, say, ten million dollars in the bank, what the hell is he going to spend his money on if he are expected to live within the constraints of the budget of an average Joe?

I’m not going to have a $65,000 wedding, but it sounds like the family is pretty well off, and if they want to spend their money throwing a very nice party for their friends and family, well, that sounds like a better use of money than buying a bauble solely for their personal use.

And I went to a wedding about two years ago that easily cost that much. Let me tell you: it was a fantastic party. The band was really great, the thought of the food still makes me drool (gnocci with a squash filling, filet mingon with portobello mushrooms, a wedding cake that actually tasted good, and everything tasted like it was from a good restaurant, not an over-stressed chef not used to cooking for 200+ people). I cannot say that spending $65k will assure you of getting such an excellent party with great food and so on, but nobody could get that for $25 grand. That’s just the facts.

So, what I’m saying is, I live in DC and know where the Decatur House is, I own a tuxedo, and I’d like to see how good the food at this wedding will be. :slight_smile:

34

Yes - to everyone who said “It’s their money, more power to them,” I agree. I don’t know the details of how much money the bride’s parents have or how much this eats into their savings, but I do know they are well off, and this isn’t bankrupting them in any way.

I guess I am happy because this is an excuse for me to spend a ridiculous amount on a new dress ($335 for this Betsey Johnson dress with the black lace overlay, not the pink. I went from a size 16 to a size 6 and wanted a beautiful new dress to show off in…) And it will be one hell of a party, so I am definitely going to enjoy it.

But on the other hand, for me personally, I would feel really guilty asking my parents to spend that much on me - even if they were rich - because I want them to save that money to use to have fun in their retirement, and to have later in life if/when they need long term care/nursing home, etc.

35

Hey, I really like this way of looking at it! Thank you for showing this in a better light.

36

I can’t believe they are spending only $70 per person at a supposedly high-end place. That’s the starting point for halfway decent around here. There is no shortage of places that charge 3 times that much for a high-end reception. You also have to consider not only the bridal gown, but flowers, photographer and/or videographer, music (band or DJ) and transportation, and a long list of other incidentals. And that’s just the reception. There’s also the rehearsal dinner (often covered by the groom’s family) and the honeymoon (finally, something paid for by the newlyweds).

Obviously, having a big fancy party is not something everyone enjoys. But some folks really, really do. My own wedding was the most we could afford (we paid for it ourselves) but included all the trimmings. We had a wonderful time, and I believe so did your guests. I figured we were only going to do this once, and I was pretty happy about it, and enjoyed sharing a little luxury with my friends. That was over 40 years ago and I don’t regret it for a minute.

It also provides a nice income for musicians, caterers, dressmakers, bartenders, photographers, et. al.

Not saying, of course, that you couldn’t have a great time in the backyard over a barbecue, but different strokes, etc. My own parents had a wedding ceremony in their local church, the only guests being immediate family, no reception at all, and the photography consisted of a snapshot of them standing in front of some shrubbery. No gown, no tuxes, no dancing. No reception. When the ceremony was over, they drove away to some sensible and inexpensive place for a couple of days. They were very practical people, and it was reasonable for the time, since this was happening right as we were getting into WWII.

My great-neice just got married 2 months ago, and they had a barbecue in the back yard, although the wedding party was decked out in traditional long gowns and tuxes. Music was somebody’s boom box and a set of speakers. The young folks seemed to enjoy themselves.

My own daughter is getting married this coming summer, and there is no upper limit to what she would *like * to spend. But we’re divvying up the costs between us, the bride and groom, and the groom’s family.

37

I explained this above:

Also, I may have mispoke; I think the dinner is costing them $90 per person. Remember, that is JUST for the food.

38

Apparently they care about eating a four course meal for $70/plate - and no, they wouldn’t be just as happy with a barbeque place. If they were, they’d surely go for the BBQ place instead. They’re spending money on what makes them happy.

So long as they are footing the bill and this is how they want to spend their money, that’s their business. However, if they start asking (even hinting) for help with the costs or implying that others should start coughing up for the wedding, that’s not ok.

39

Well, I would feel guilty asking too, but do you know if the bride specifically had to ask for this? Some parents want the lavish wedding just as much as the bride does – if they’re paying they get to invite anyone they want, and a wedding is a pretty good excuse to go all out. Now, if the bride is begging her parents to go beyond what they can afford, that not good, but that could happen just as well with a $10K wedding.

40

Well no, I don’t know for sure, but the bride is the one who chose everything, so in effect, she set the price for the wedding by her choices.

But yes, I do get the feeling that her parents want a lavish wedding just as much as she does.