685th Stupidest thread: I can't make Salsa..?


I stole this recipe from an earlier salsa recipe thread, and i can’t seem to make it work. I’d like to bring a dish to Thanksgiving that I made myself and would be eaten…I had thought it impossible to ‘screw up’ salsa. I was wrong.

First, the Stolen Recipe:

Mix the following in a blender:

A can of tomatoes,
About a third of a fist-sized white onion.
A lot of fresh cilantro, like all the leaves off a set of stalks half an inch in diameter
A couple of cloves of garlic.
One or two Jalapenos, to taste. Remove core and seeds as per heat preference.
Six or seven good shakes from a salt-shaker.

Disaster#1: 5 cloves of garlic will keep most humans away, never mind the vampires. Also, just because ‘shopright’ says they are jalapeno peppers doesn’t mean they are. After all garlic, no heat, I bit into one directly, and it was just a small bland green pepper.

Disaster#2: 2 cloves of garlic are still Way Too Much, even for a quart, and red chili peppers where only a slight heat improvement. (Damn you, Shopright!!!)

Tonight is my last chance. I still have 1/2 a bunch of cilantro, 2 huge non-hot peppers to chop up and add for volume, the rest of the chili peppers, and a 4x4 plastic box of red/yellow Habaneros. I’ll probably throw in a half-fist sized chopped up onion for the heck of it…but zero garlic.

There will be Heat, by Og, or the deli manager will be getting the blandest enema of his life in the Shopright parking lot after work tonight…


Good luck. If you do meet the manager in the parking lot, please have someone along to document this occasion.

I had that experience with peppers once when we lived in PA. Weird.

Also, maybe I’m just a spoiled Californian, but why use canned tomatoes?

Yeah, try using fresh tomatos.

And, you probably need ALOT more salt, maybe up to a tablespoon.

You can probably use the jalapenos for flavor, and pick another type of pepper for heat.

Are you chopping everything, or using a food processor? Either way will work, but you may need to remove some liquid. And if using a processor, don’t let it run too long.

Try to find Muir Glen fire roasted tomatoes if you are going to use canned. These have a great flavor, and you can also find them with chiles added for even more salsa-like flavor.

Try blanching the garlic to make the flavor good but a bit more mild: drop cloves into simmering water and take them out after a minute or two. This takes the bite out.

Ground cumin is a good addition, too.

And don’t blend the crap out of it- pulse it so that it still has some body and “seperateness” of flavor.

I think the brand of canned tomatoes you use could be the biggest culprit, tho…


You know why? I’ll tell you why.


Wow- That recipe is for a Abominable anti-Salsa in my opinion

Texas A&M is who I’ve heard to blame for the tasteless Jalepenos. Get Serranos, they are about the same heat level as the old Jalepenos, and a little fruitier.
Cilantro is pure evil. If you want that flavor just add 1 TSP of Tide and 1 tbsp Hi Karate.

Blenders on salsa is evil too, just knife chop.

There is no such thing as too much garlic. 7-8 cloves per quart is good.

I prefer half canned fire roasted whole tomatoes, for sweetness, and half fresh Roma Tomatoes for garden freshness.

Red onions, not white

a dash of Lemon juice, and a dash of lime juice to brighten it up.

A little over ripe corn gives a great little squirt of extra sweetness.

The only thing I agree with in the salt, but you need a little black pepper too.

Let sit for 4-6 hours to meld perfectly.

I forgot the green peppers. Putting Both some Green green peppers(fresher) and some red or yellow green peppers(deeper flavor) is best.

Sick and degenerate doesn’t begin to cover these goat-felching cockroaches!
May their assholes burn with the fire of a thousand red habaneros!

Try using serrano chile peppers, or a mix of serranos and Jalapenos.
I agree that more salt and fresh tomatoes are important.
You also might like regular brown onions for more heat. Get the roundest ones you can find. The flatter the onion the milder it is.

Canned tomoatos??!!
In blender??!!??

Get a handful of large tomatos, some green and sweet onions, a few peppers, and a few cloves of garlic. Chop-chop-chop in a bowl. Add a few squirts of lime and a pinch of salt. Let it sit for an hour or two and taste.

The garlic taste will improve a little after it sits. If it needs more heat, add more peppers. Too hot? More tomatos.