…Cloaca Cola.
King Cetawayo is credited by military historians with developing the the first doctrines of close air support for infantry operations. (There were, admittedly, some flaws in the execution.)
Vladimir Lenin had a bit part in the 1903 silent classic The Great Train Robbery, as a barber. He was paid $1 and allowed a free sandwich at the studio commissary—the standard extra’s fee at the time.
The stone wall known as “the angle” at Cemetery Ridge in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, was actually awarded the Medal of Honor, an honorary commission as a 2nd. Lieutenant. and a pension by a little known act of congress in 1866. (All but the latter were later revoked in 1917.)
Also known as Marvin the Lame, Marvin the Infectious, and Marvin Stop Picking At That.
Yeah, like: Who the hell eats at Stuckeys?
The year 1976 was actually a repeat of 920, with a few artistic retouchings done by Disney. If you look hard, you can still see Mideval pikes in use in Europe in films made in that year.
All of our wars since Vietnam have been fought against the Smurfs. Only recently have they been televised without retouching and redaction.
The Catholic version of Hell is a place just south of Kenosha, Wisconsin. A Papal bull in 1927 declared it to be off-limits to all humanity except Gene Simmons.
COBOL was actually invented by Church and Turing as a test to test whether someone was a programmer or a very bad mechanical imitation. If you willingly write programs in it, you lose.
An alien probe crashed into Kansas in the late 1960s. The survivors split into factions, with half of them going east and half of them going west. The eastern branch almost immediately invented Unix, using their native language to name shell commands. The western branch bombed around Height-Ashbury and LA for a while before assimilating the Xerox PARC team and founding Apple. MacOS X is the long-awaited reunification between these former rivals. Soon the united alien front will decimate humanity.
Francis Bacon, in addition to writing the complete canon of Shakespeare, Moliére, and Kipling, was also a skilled programmer. However, since he only coded in Prolog his works remain largely undiscovered.
William S. and Edgar Rice Burroughs were the same person, illustrating the devastating effects of morphine and the remarkable curative effects of Mormonism and clean living.
Douglas Hofstadter was coded by Stallman and Moon in an epic all-night hackfest at the MIT AI Lab. He has since been ported from his original PDP-10 to a bank of stock Dell computers owned by Google.
Speaking of news anchors, Chet Huntley made more money as a pickpocket than he did as a newsanchor. This career of his thrived until his death in 1974, when (contrary to the way it was reported in the press) he was shot to death by one of his marks.
That mark was… longtime BBC newscaster Richard Baker.
The treasure of the Knights Templar, the greatest accumulation of gold and jewels since the pharaohs, was spirited from across Europe and buried in the salt mines of Austria, where it remained until 1863 when it was loaded onto 23 ships and sailed to Canada where John Wilkes Booth and William T. Sherman, both secretly Templars, set aside their CSA v USA disputes to unload it and guide it down to the limestone caves of Missouri, where it remained for 70 years before just 1/20 of it was loaned to the US Government to bring the nation out of the Depression, whereupon the Government paid it back with interest and it was even greater, eventually filling hundreds of thousands of acres of subterranean vaults, where it remained until 1984 when it was invested in junk bonds offered by a deregulated S&L and disappeared forever, save for an ornate gold and emerald encrusted headdress said to be in the possession of Levar Burton.
To this day, Dr. Pepper retains the active ingredient from the Air Force’s “Sergeant Pepper” project before it shifted focus from libido inhibitor to psychedelic mind-control drug.
It’s also not well known that, for this reason, Dr. Pepper makes a more effective douche (99.9%) than Coca-Cola (92.7%) or Pepsi (91.8%). Sprite is only 30% effective.
Tutankhamen’s banjo, after being removed from the tomb by an unscrupulous and musical-minded assistant, was accidentally sent on a flight from Cairo to Minneapolis, where it was later found and subsequently stolen by Leo Kottke.
After Kottke abandoned the banjo for the guitar, he gave the ancient instrument to fellow Minneapolis musician Prince, who is rumored to have subsequently used it to play live soundtracks to pickup basketball games. The banjo is said to curse every couch its sound-waves hit. Prince reportedly had a heated argument with Charlie Murphy about one such cursed couch.
“Broadway Joe” Namath had an older brother, “Highway George”, who was drafted by the San Diego Chargers but got lost in L.A. on the way to training camp–thus earning his nickname, but forsaking the chance to make Namath a household name. Their father claims that George never wanted to play for the Chargers anyway, but Highway George resents his little brother Joe–who cracked the league two years later–to this day.
Gangster “Dutch” Schultz was actually named Arthur Flegelheimer, but got his nickname because of his constant bragging about one of his ancestors who co-founded the Dutch East India Company.
Spaghetti in it’s modern form was invented by Italian carnival actors, who used it in “geek” acts to simulate bloody worms.
According to sources that claim to have read still-classified documents, Roosevelt agreed at the 1945 Yalta conference to allow the totalitarian Soviet Union to occupy eastern Europe because he was assured that the US would maintain a monopoly on nuclear weapons for at least 25 years.
In the languages of every other eastern Mediiterranian culture during the Hellenistic period, Greece was called “The Land of Homosexuals”.
The term Hoarfrost comes from Old English, and was derived from the fact that it would appear every fall at about the same time that prostitutes would stop publicly soliciting outside because it was too cold.
A 1905 law passed in Indiana required anyone buying an automobile to pay a sales tax to provide for the retirement of unneeded carriage horses.
Producers of I Love Lucy planned to bring on a new character, Ricky’s little brother Pepe- a baseball fanatic who constantly said “I dee’n’t know dat”, for the 1952-53 season. However, that’s when Lucy learned that she was pregnant and Little Ricky was adding to the cast, and his presence would have made 2.5 Cubans onstage at once, a violation by .5 of the “Maximum of 2 Cubans On Television At One Time Act of 1951”, so the character was dropped and the actor who was to play him, Fidel Castro, was promptly fired, and history was forever changed as “I dee’n’t know dat!” instead became the catchphrase of Mexican character actorSosimo Hernandez.
Prior to 1804, children were conceived by the depositing of a tiny human into the vagina of a woman, usually by a man having sex with her. The invention of the Fallopian tubes and ovaries by Dutchman Isek Heerzanegg revolutionized conception, a bit ironic since he was actually trying to invent a harness for dachshunds who he thought would revolutionize transportation.
Turkish Van cats are known as the “swimming cats” because they have webbed paws and actually love the water. Moustafa Kemal Ataturk, founder of the modern Turkish state, had two Van cats trained to carry messages from him to his troops during his liberation of the Dardanelles.
Whoah. You know, this really explains a lot of Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies.
69.4.2 When JEdgar was there he actually created a job title of Compromiser so that all those dudes wouldn’t have to blush when they told their friends that they had been in a Compromising position with the director.
The Great Flood was the result of everyone on Earth making the baby Jesus cry so hard He couldn’t stop for 40 days and 40 nights.
- The Pyramids were not invented by the Egyptions. The Egyptions, rather, invented Time Travel and got the idea to build the pyramids when they visited modern day Las Vegas.
100.In this respect, the Egyption Pyramids were originally made of glass, but 4000 years of kids throwing rocks through the window paynes resulted in the stone structures of today.
-
Aberham Lincoln was not shot that night at fords theater. He merely died of boredom during the play but nobody had the heart to tell the actors.
-
The real reason the US won the American Revolution was that George Washington had obtained shocking paintings of King George of England and a young Coriscan in a series very compromising positions, and threatened to show them to all of Europe unless the Treaty of Paris was signed. The Coriscans name was Napoleon Bonaparte, and years later he had been responsible for such paintings finding their way into American Hands.
-
William Shakespeare was actually an American Poet living in the 1940’s with bad grammer. In order to cement his reputation, he managed to convince everyone that his plays had actually been written 400 years before and were great classics.
-
In contrast, James Joyce actually lived through the Trojan war and the events described in the Odyssey, and wrote a full account. Fearing nobody would believe it, he disguised it as symbolism during a day during the life of an Irish man in he 20th century. He survived the voyage to Ithica with Odyessus, but Homer took a dislike to him and wrote him out completely 300 years later.
-
Ben Franklin invented the UFO and holograms, but by that point in his life, had developed a deep paranoia concerning the patent office, fearing that they were stealing his patents and ideas. To keep them safe, he took a long trip to New Mexico and buried them in the desert, where no one would ever find them…
-
There are 29,000 year old cave paintings as well as 4,000 year old Middle Eastern statues and 2100 year old Roman mosaics and 1000 year old Byzantine icons and 700 year old medieval cathedral reliefs and a da Vinci painting and 200 year old Gilbert Stuart paintings and 1850 tintypes and silent movie footage of Rick Schroder. He appears in some form in every culture.
-
The ancient Phoenicians invented the laser printer, but were unable to use it because the software was lost.
-
All human life originated on Rakentajanaukio St. in Espoo, Finland, approximately 13,942 years ago at about 9:30 p.m. on a Wednesday, then spread to the other continents by means of no longer extant land bridges, crude floating devices and dolphin pulled helicopters.
Marky D. Sade, little-known cousin of singer Sade, sulked in his cousin’s shadow for many years before he took his Nigerian blue-grass music to France, where he changed his name to Marquis de Sade, because he thought it sounded “more France-like”. His banjo playing eventually caused local authorities to descend upon him, particularly after his interlude with a hooker, wherein this self-styled ‘smooth operator’ locked her in a room and played non-stop for 17 hours, at times only stopping to masturbate into the instrument and to insert penny-whistles into various orifices. He spent the rest of his life in an asylum for the musically challenged.
Plato’s story of Atlantis provoked massive lawsuits from the kingdom of Egypt, saying he plagerized one of their most popular stories. The matter was finally settled when Alexander conquered Egypt 30 years later and burned the original egyption copies.
Due to Plato’s translation error, he reportered Atlantis as an island 700 km long in the atlantic ocean, when it was in fact, only 7 km long off the coast of crete.
- The American Civil War was fought between China and Turkey
- Herodotus’ original title for “The Histories” was “The Herstories”
- The Black Prince was actually dark brown
- Africa was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci
- A lesser known miracle by Jesus was the turning of beer into piss (also known as Coors Lite)
-
Daniel Webster invented the game of placing pennies on railroad tracks to see if it would derail the oncoming train. (In his day, and with his pennies, it frequently did.)
-
The best-compensated employees of the European federal governments of the 19th century were those in the Dead Letter offices, as, for most of the century, they could keep anything of value that they found.
-
Mayerling was orchestrated by… that guy who used to appear a lot on Saturday Night Live.
-
The walrus is…Buck Henry.
-
The “guy” that Jimi Hendrix wanted to kiss while he famously asked us to excuse him was…Buck Henry.