Robert E. Lee was widely admired by his contemporaries for his “perfect buttocks.”
Nikola Tesla invented the rootbeer float.
Hotdogs were first served in Dog Penis, Germany during Oktoberfest.
Wlater Cronkite never existed; he was a mass hallucination caused by ergot poisoning.
John F. Kennedy had two full sets of functioning male genitalia; one of which he called “Stevie.”
Sir Francis “Frannie-Pooh” Blackpowder is considered by most historians to be the inventor of the first successful process for curing pork. That accomplishment is eclipsed by rumors that he is the real author of the first season scripts of “I Love Lucy.”
William Shatner defeated the Viet Cong using mutant powers in 1966; the US military command, however, failed to properly capitalize on the victory.
That’s just your opinion. I’m among those who believe that it is we who do not exist, but that we are all hallucinations Walter Cronkite is having as he stares into a lava lamp in China Town, D.C., in June 1968. (Some say Walter is on psylocibin in Cambridge MA staring at a Pollock painting in February 1957, but they’re heretics and must be destroyed!)
The movie Brokeback Mountain is based on a portion that was reenacted to cheering NYC audiences, the crowned heads of Europe and Mrs. Ethel Berdorf of West Haven, Ontario, as part of the Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. The role of Jack was played by General Custer’s nephew Windemere Custer Studebaker (later the inventor of the automobile of the same name- the Dodge Windemere Custer) while the role of Ennis was played by Chief Rain-in-the-Face’s grandson ‘Antelope-Who-Frolics-in-the-Dim-Natural-Lighting-of-a-Natural-Geyser-Heated-Spa-near-Sedona’, though in white face. Though the two hour tragic love story featured neither guns nor stagecoach robberies, it was so popular that it was frequently played twice at the same Buffalo Bill show.
The Muslims created algebra during what Europeans regard as “the Dark Ages” strictly because they either had to use or lose the parentheses they’d invented centuries before.
n. Lev Davidovich Bronstein didn’t actually adopt the name “Trotsky” until he lived in Mexico. Even then, it was a hated nickname given by Diego Rivera who loved picking on him about his delicate stomach.
n+1. French is actually not a Romance language. Instead it descended from ancient Bretons from a language that used nose flutes and jaw harps.
n+2. Erasers were invented before pencils. Pencils were invented only because erasers were horrible at erasing ink.
The Battle of the Bulge was actually a taunting phrase used by General Dwight D. Eisenhower in a private letter to his mistress, who was trying to lose weight. She promised him a “battle” when next they met. (And not in a good way.)
Recipes for beer found in ancient Eygptian burial sites are actually for what we now call orange soda.
John Lennon stole his glasses from his granny.
TV comedian Ricky Gervais is a direct descendant of Harold of Wessex, the man deposed by William the Conqueror in 1066. If not for that, Gervais would be king of England
Tutankamun was buried with his banjo, still in tune when discovered in the 1920s.
It has recently been revealed that Joe Willy “Willy” Namath actually played offensive cornerback for the Jets, not wingback. Also, Joe Willy was not Joe Willy, but his twin brother Silas “Silas” Namath. As children they switched the namecards on their beds and forgot to change them back when the joke was over. It seems irrelevant in the grand scheme of things anyway, as their grandfather simply called them both “You dumb little bastards.”
Lee Harvey Oswald never said “I’m a patsy.”
What he said was “I’m a party guy.” Volume XXII President’s Commission Investigation into the Assassination etc…
-Jan. 17, 2001: A fossilized breakfast burrito-like item was discovered in southern Spain. It is assumed that such items were once used as currency in the region.
-The earth was in fact flat for much of its history. It wasn’t until 906 AD that it curled into the round object we all know and love today. This year we will commemorate 1100 years of spherical goodness; year-long celebrations are scheduled to take place in Sioux Falls, SD.
-Losers in the original Olympic games were castrated by snapping turtles.
