I’ve read quite few threads here on wedding etiquette and I’ve got a question about what people’s expectations are (or should be) regarding attending modern weddings.
Regarding locations at some considerable distance from me, unless it’s a pretty damn close relative or lifelong friend, I’m not going be spending 2,000- 3000 in gift+travel+lodging plus at least 2 days on the road+plane travel to attend, however, in reading various wedding threads there seem to be a number of people who consider a wedding invite to be nothing short of commandment from on high, and will jump seemingly (to me) incredible cost and hassle hurdles in order to attend the wedding of a second or third tier relative, or long out of contact friend. And some of these “must attend” attitudes are from people that acknowledge they are cash tight and will have to dump the expense on a card.
What’s going on here? Are they nuts? Is it my attitude that’s off base? Is there some female reciprocity subtext operating here of “I have to attend yours or your children’s if I expect you to attend mine or my children’s”.
I can’t answer to yours. But I can say that, 13 years later, I regret not having invited two of my out-of-state cousins to my wedding because I knew they wouldn’t attend. One is in poor health, and neither has good finances. But it was inexcusable of me not to invite them. I didn’t expect a gift, but I should have let them know they were welcome.
What is not done often enough, and what I should have done, is to send wedding announcements afterwards to those “second or third tier relatives.” You let people know that you have gotten married, you let them know your new name and address if you have changed them, and you have done your happy duty without worrying that you have either solicited them for presents or had people at your wedding who didn’t really want to be there.
Wedding announcements. Bride-tested, Miss Manners-approved.
I’m with you, astro - I’m not spending a lot (time or money) on people I hardly know getting married. I don’t feel a sense of obligation, which is not to say it isn’t there (it might be, and I don’t even know it). I wouldn’t have expected people to massively inconvenience themselves for my wedding, either. On the other hand, to paraphrase a famous dead person, no one can make you feel obligated.
I don’t think you are off base. We don’t travel for weddings unless we are unusually close to the bride or groom or their parents. I don’t send anything more than a card unless I’ve seen people in the past few years - or otherwise kept in contact. I’m not in the habit of sending gifts to strangers who happen to be distantly related to me.
We are getting to the point where Brainiac4’s cousin’s kids are getting married. And I refuse to go to weddings for people that I have never met (we’ve been married longer than ten years).
ETA: I think Sigmagirl is right, you don’t do anyone any favors when you don’t invite people because YOU don’t think they’d be able to attend. Which is the problem the expectation crowd has created. They “demand” attendance and a gift, causing well meaning people to shorten the invite list so no one feels imposed upon.
I think it depends. As it happens, I like to travel, and I like weddings, so my threshold for going to an out-of-town wedding may be a little lower than yours. That is, I may be willing to go to the wedding of a somewhat more distant relative or friend than you are. Having said that, even I have had to decline invitations to weddings a few times, when I simply could not make the logistics work.
If it’s not the wedding of a close relative or friend, and you don’t want to go, then don’t.
Interesting. Personally, when it came to who got invited to my wedding, I invited those that I wanted to attend*. There were various degrees to which I expected them to actually show (some were pretty much expected not to show up, while others we’d really like to come** but can’t for various reasons). I would expect anyone invited to make a reasonable attempt to attend–if they can’t because of work or finances, that’s fine, but I expect at least the attempt.
*I really should’ve sent out the invites myself. My mother decided to make a few ‘additions’ without my okay twitch What part of ‘family and these friends’ escaped her I don’t know…
** And moved our date to make it easier for them to come, and yet are still going to be absent.
I think your expectations are too high, even for an attempt. I can understand that you’d “hope” they’d want to come, but expecting them to try just because they’re asked seems a bit presumptuous. It turns an invitation into a request, almost a demand. It’s a setup for disappointment. Spending time thinking about how hard the no-shows tried to come, and you won’t be able to fully appreciate the people who came.
That’s pretty much what I’m saying (albeit awkwardly) - that you should invite those that you would like to attend - not trim your guest list so people who can’t afford to go don’t get to make their own decisions. However, I think the expectation crowd has make that awkward - people get invitations and don’t think its polite to turn them down - so people feel even inviting is creating a burden.
Does this depend in part upon the age of the recipient? I mean, if you send an invite to your 90-year old great uncle who’s half the country away, are you really expecting him to attend or are you sending it knowing that he’ll simply be very happy to receive it?
That’s why I said ‘reasonable’, and to me that includes consideration of how close you actually are to the person. To tie this in with what Quartz asked, if I were to be having my wedding here instead of Canada, I wouldn’t expect my grandfather to make it–the man is 97! I don’t want anyone to go through any real hardship because of me. But at the same time, anyone who we wanted to come had enough warning try and make plans about work and finances.
To be honest though, I’m not really too worried about how much effort was made to attend except in the case of immediate family. When you can’t make it to your child’s or sibling’s wedding, IMHO you’d better have a damn good reason.
I did invite my father’s aunt, who lived in Cleveland, because they had always exchanged affectionate Christmas cards. After he died, I kept up the practice. She always declined my offers to come visit her, and she declined my wedding invitation because she was “too old” (I think she was about 95). She sent a $5 bill with her reply, and I cried. I was so, so glad I’d invited her. What a shit I would have been if I hadn’t.
I only go to weddings that I want to be at. I didn’t go to my nephew’s wedding, because I am not close with that part of the family (and I was in the hospital.)
As we say on a wedding-related message board I belong to: it’s an invitation, not a subpoena.
Who attends or does not attend my wedding is completely up to them, and I have informed my mother than no one is to be judged or criticized for their decision either.
I will say that in the weddings I have attended vs. those I’ve declined, the difference had more to do with other factors (timing, money, etc) than my relationship to the happy couple.
Okay, so my husband and I spent $2000-$3000 on a week’s all-inclusive vacation. How the hell does it cost that much to travel to a non-destination wedding?
Sending an invitation is a courtesy. It does not mean the inviter expects the invited to attend. It does not mean the invited is obligated to attend. It’s just a card saying, “Hey, I’ve got this thing going on at this place on this date, would you like to come and celebrate with me?” I can’t imagine how that could evoke a sense of obligation. If you can’t attend - or for that matter, don’t want to attend - then that’s your decision to make.
Well, it depends on where you’re traveling from, and to, and when. And when you get your tickets and book your hotel room and reserve your rental car. Some cities are “destinations,” even if it’s not a “destination wedding,” and most places have their busy seasons when everything is more expensive there. And if your travel plans require you to take time off work, that’s more money toward the wedding. And I guess some people have to board their pets, etc.
I can see how travel for a wedding – especially if it’s family and you’re expected to be there for some pre- or post-wedding festivities – can add up to $2000-3000.
Doesn’t take much when you have a family and airfare is running you $350 per person - or more because the wedding invites went out short notice.
(If you live in a cheap airfare city, count your blessings. We are hostage to NWA here, and airfare generally sucks).
Driving a six to eight hours and spending one night - maybe two - in a cheap hotel - doable. Flying halfway across the country with two kids, paying for airport parking, boarding a dog, renting a car, and staying in a hotel that won’t have Brainiac4 complaining - we generally don’t travel for weddings - it gets expensive.
Do I misremember or isn’t this not your actual “wedding”? Haven’t you been married for some time now?
No one becomes obligated to do anything in response to your invitation except to rsvp. No one is obligated to attend, except perhaps the groom, but if you are already married, even his participation could be considered optional at this point.
In addition, no one who sends regrets has to provide any sort of reason or excuse at all, even parents or siblings. They just need to let you know they will not be attending.
Bottom line to the OP: Whether destination wedding or not: if you want to go, go. If you don’t, send your regrets.
