A CHILD’S GUIDE TO AMERICAN HISTORY
Based Upon the Common Knowledge of the Average American
A Long, Long Time Ago (exact date depends on the age of your textbook and/or what archeologists are saying this week): Native Americans, fleeing Russian tyranny, arrive in North America via toll bridge.
1492: Columbus discovers America. However, he botches the job by only visiting the Caribbean and South America, never visiting the US at all.
1497: The British do the job properly and discover North America. Leading the expedition is that world-famous Englishman, Giovanni Cabotini.
1498-1590: NOTHING HAPPENS.
c. 1590: Sir Walter Raleigh invents TOBACCO, thereby establishing once and for all the immense beneficial possibilities of the New World.
c. 1610: Americans shock the world by inventing the novel concept of SLAVERY.
1620: The Puritans, the first colonists, arrive after their ship runs aground on Plymouth Rock. (The earlier settlers at Jamestown don’t count, as they possessed neither funny clothes nor funny beliefs.) The Puritans are bigoted, racist, close-minded religious fanatics. This of course makes them the perfect group to invent the concepts of LIBERTY and EQUALITY that inspire America for generations to come. The Puritans also invent GUILT, TURKEY, and MCCARTHYISM (see the writings of renowned Puritan author the Rev. A. Miller.)
1621-1755: NOTHING HAPPENS
1756: The French and Indian War, a, ummm, war against the, ah, French and the, er, Indians.
c. 1760: Benjamin Franklin invents ELECTRICITY, the STOVE, GRANNY GLASSES, SELF-HELP BOOKS, and the PENTHOUSE FORUM.
1776: America declares its independence from Britain. A short, decisive war follows. The crafty Americans cleverly hide behind trees and bushes, while the hidebound British march in the open, in lines, with their eyes closed and their hands over their ears. After the Americans defeat the British at Yorktown, the French show up to distribute complimentary champagne.
1787: An all-star cast of framers invents the CONSTITUTION, after extensive consultation with God, Jesus, and Santa Claus. The Constitution proves to be so utterly perfect in every way that it only needs to be amended twenty-seven more times.
1789: Despite being born with wooden teeth, plucky George Washington overcomes adversity to become the nation’s first president. Although he was never SHOT, didn’t SLEEP AROUND (despite the claims of his frat brothers), and looked terrible at PHOTO OPS (because of the teeth, no doubt), Washington is still unaccountably considered our fourth greatest president.
1176-1820: Thomas Jefferson invents THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, DEMOCRACY, ARCHITECTURE, CALIFORNIA, GEOLOGY, and the DUMB WAITER. He was also going to free the slaves, but the paperwork got mixed up with the plans for his new house. He also SLEPT AROUND, thus making him our fifth greatest President.
1812: The War of 1812. The British burn Washington, and President Dolly Madison is forced to flee with her precious cupcakes. The Americans retaliate by craftily waiting until after the peace treaty is signed before defeating the British at the Battle of New Orleans.
1814-1859: NOTHING HAPPENS.
1860: The South unaccountably takes offense to the election of Democrat Abe Lincoln. (Curiously, the Democrats were called “Republicans” at this time.) The South, confused, attacks the southern fort of Ft. Sumter. Lincoln responds in the only possible way: by calling a massive, bloody crusade to end slavery.
1863: Lincoln frees the slaves, thereby solving all racial problems for the next ninety years.
1865: Lincoln is SHOT, making him our third greatest president.
c. 1870: America invents INDUSTRIALIZATION, much to the astonishment of the British, who thought they invented it 80 years earlier.
c. 1870: In a fluke accident, most of the country’s Native American population is unaccountably discovered to be missing. To make up for it, Native Americans are given the legal right to perform the ancient ceremony known as “slots.”
1870-1896: NOTHING HAPPENS.
1896: William Jennings Bryan delivers his immortal speech on the free coinage of silver. Unfortunately, nobody can figure out what the hell he’s talking about. In later years, Bryan was reduced to appearing in bit parts in such Hollywood movies as “Inherit the Wind” and “The Wizard of Oz.”
c. 1900: Fleeing Russian tyranny, immigrants enter the US for the first time.
c. 1901: Teddy Roosevelt invents PARKS, PEACE, MACHISMO, and the TEDDY BEAR. He also busts the trusts, and America is never bothered by giant megacorporations again. Teddy is SHOT, but is denied a place on the greatest presidents list due to the dorky glasses.
1916: Woodrow Wilson earns his place in history by keeping America out of World War I.
1917: Woodrow Wilson earns his place in history by leading America into World War I.
1919: Woodrow Wilson earn his place in history by solving all the problems of every single European, forever and ever.
1919-1929: Americans make money and have a good time, thus angering the Puritan Volcano God at Mt. Plymouth.
1920: The government invents PROHIBITION. Various fraternal organizations rise to the challenge by inventing CRIME. Al Capone is elected mayor of Chicago.
1929: Displeased by the carefree actions of his worshippers, the Puritan Volcano God smites the nation with the Great Depression. This causes the economy to collapse, the crops to fail, and the world to change from color to black-and-white.
c. 1930: J. Edgar Hoover invents the FBI, thus solving the crime problem once and for all.
1933: Crippled since birth (probably in an auto accident) and totally unable to walk, FDR becomes our second disabled president. Admired for his simple, earthy ways and down-home accent, FDR invents RADIO, the FIRESIDE, and GOVERNMENT. The election of FDR instantly cures the Great Depression. However, some minor problems in the paper work hold this up for another six years.
1941: The Japanese unaccountably attack Pearl Harbor, thereby starting World War II. For some strange reason, the Europeans join in.
1944-45: The US single-handedly defeats Japan and Nazi Germany.
1945: In an action totally without parallel in 20th century history, the US kills hundreds of thousands of civilians by dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The implications of this completely unique act are discussed for generations to come.
1946: The Cold War begins when the US discovers that the Soviet Union has unaccountably managed to sneak into Berlin somehow.
c. 1947: Milton Berle invents TELEVISION.
c. 1950: Fleeing Russian tyranny, all-American boy Werner von Braun arrives to head the US space program.
1954: Senator Joseph McCarthy entertains the nation by re-enacting the hijinks of our Puritan forefathers.
1950-1964: Americans face a tense age of anxiety, with racial strife, inflation, recession, communist paranoia, and the ever-present threat of nuclear war constantly hanging over their heads.
1950-1964: Americans experience an unprecedented golden age of peace and prosperity. All families are perfect, everyone is rich, and the only worry is deciding how big you want the fins on your car.
1960-1963: Kennedy becomes the nation’s second-greatest president by virtue of being SHOT, looking great at PHOTO-OPS, SLEEPING AROUND, and not blowing the Earth to Kingdom Come.
1961: Alan Shepherd becomes the first man in space.
c. 1954-1968: Racial problems unaccountably re-emerge. Fortunately, Martin Luther King is able to single-handedly lead the Civil Rights Movement to victory. King is SHOT, but only after he has solved all of the country’s racial problems forever and ever.
1964-1975: The US becomes embroiled in the lengthy Vietnam War. The only ones able to rescue the nation from this quagmire are the wise young hippies, with their tough-but-fair policy of “sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll.”
1968: Kennedy is somehow SHOT again.
1969: The US becomes the first nation to spend billions upon billions of dollars on a massive and unbelievably complex conspiracy to fake a moon landing.
1974: Police mow down President Richard Nixon after he knocks over a bank in Hoboken, NJ.
1976-1980: Seeking vengeance for the war, Vietnamese agent Jimmy Carter destroys the US economy and subverts the US military.
1981-1988: Ronald Reagan becomes the nation’s greatest president by being SHOT, looking great at PHOTO OPS, presumably SLEEPING AROUND (hey, he was a movie star, and what’s the point of being a movie star if you don’t sleep around?), and staying awake more than 30% of the time. Reagan’s presidency is completely unmarred by economic or financial problems, diplomatic tensions, or bizarre international scandals.
1988: Al Gore invents the INTERNET.
1989: President Ronald Reagan (now unaccountably called “President George Bush”) single-handedly defeats the Russians by offering to protect them with a non-functional missile defense program. The Soviet Union collapses, and Russians embrace capitalism. This solved all the Russians’ problems, forever and ever.
[Disclaimer: No facts were used in the making of this history. All statements are in fact lies, so any well-meaning attempt to disprove said lies would, paradoxically, prove them to be true. This is an original work of the author, except for the parts he unconsciously ripped off from Dave Barry.]