The last chapter in the Happy Scrappy Hero Ex-Girlfriend saga has been written.
It involved a whole lot of yelling and screaming (by me, the first time I’ve ever done that), with a final admonition to never contact me again, even if she learns how to treat people like people.
I have it on the best authority that she’s taking everything I gave her and mailing it back to me today. Included among this are pictures of us (in engraved frames), t-shirts of mine that she made hers, souvenirs I brought her from Europe, CDs she likes, you name it. Suffice it to say, it’s not stuff I could ever use. It’s her stuff, not mine.
Now, I’ve got a dilemma. I think (and certain of my friends do as well) that the best course of action is to stamp it “return to sender” and hand it right back to the mailman.
Another camp of friends I respect are of the opinion that I should throw it out, unopened, and give no indication that I ever got it (we have mutual friends, but it’d be child’s play to keep them in the dark).
And so I put it to you, my fellow Dopers:
What do I do with the flotsam of a sunken relationship?
Contest rules as follows: Pick one of the two options above. Tell me why you think it’s a good one. Then give me another, outlandish idea as to what to do with it (ie, build a 20-story trebuchet and fling it back to her, etc.).
The winner of the contest gets 4 tickets to see Scandal at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ on Friday, February 4th.
She’s sending it all back? Yeah, maybe she’ll grow up someday. Meanwhile, take the stuff she sends you, take what you want of it, give your current girlfriend a chance to take what she wants (if anything), and give the rest to a charity.
Oh, I should mention, the judging of entries will be done by the Happy Scrappy Relationship Advisory Board, a nowhere-near-independent subsidiary of the Happy Scrappy Empire Company, Inc.
The HSRAB’s decision will be final. The Board itself is made up of a straight male corporate attorney, a straight male congressional aide, a straight female college freshman, a lesbian medical researcher, a straight male ad writer in an LTR, a married straight male ad copywriter, and his wife (a nurse).
Now you know to whom you must pander.
I will abide by and perform the tasks involved in their selection.
Sorry, but I don’t like either idea, just give the items to Good Will (having removed and burnt the photo). Unless they arrive allready broken in which case throw them away, but don’t hide the fact that you did.
I’m truly not sure why we’re limited to your two options. What’s wrong with receiving the package, looking through it to make sure there’s nothing actually valuable, and then tipping the rest into the trash?
Marking it Return to Sender does nothing for anyone. It’s a petty and useless idea.
Receiving it and hiding the fact that you received it does nothing for anyone, and involves you deceiving your friends. Why bother?
They’re both terrible ideas. Just dump what you don’t want. If something is valuable but its presence causes you terrible emotional pain, throw that away too, or take it to GoodWill as Bippy suggested.
I was thinking eBay or garage sale and using the money for something fun.
I got rid of an evil ex once. Years later, while moving, I found a box with a photo album and misc. items that belonged to him. I found a phone number for him and called with the idea of offering to mail the stuff to him. As soon as he realized who I was, he said “I can’t talk to you anymore” and hung up. Heck, I didn’t want to talk to him either, so I just threw the stuff away.
Cremate what she sends to you and mail it back to her in an urn fashioned out of a Taster’s Choice coffee can.
Or, alternately, scatter the ashes somewhere really disgusting. Perhaps in the trash can of a gas station bathroom. Make sure all your friends know about it; word will get back to her.
The eBay idea is good, too. The name of the auction should be something like “Love’s Hangover” or “Relics From The Titanic That Was My Relationship.”
FWIW, this girl doesn’t sound too smart. You tell her to never contact you again, so she’s going to send you something in the mail. Isn’t that, um, contact?
Splitting hairs here - unless you send someone a rose bush, you’re sending them dead roses already.
:wally
I love the Ebay idea - if you want her to know you’re doing it, email a link to her through some third-party emailer. Though I have to say that she’s purging her daily life of painful reminders for a reason and maybe you should respect that. Break-ups can be a cycle of nasty pain until someone chooses not to lash out, then it gradually feels better. I went through a mutual break-up in early August 2004 and after no word for 3+ months the jack-ass just emailed me two weeks ago with his snarky and sarcastic critique of my profile on Classmates.com.
Whend I got the ‘Surprise!’ dump a few years back, I toyed w/ the ‘stuff return’ idea; I settled for returning pics of him to him and giving the rest to charity.
I don’t think you should send her anything or interact with her in any way. The opposite of love isn’t hate - it’s indifference. She’s out of your life now, so just move on.
You want her out of your life right? Then don’t have any contact or interactions with her. Don’t send the packages back “return to sender” because that’s an interaction with her (she’ll get the packages, get angry, try to get back at you, and the cycle continues). Get 'em, keep what you want, and sell, donate, or throw away the rest.
Of course, if you want to keep fighting with her: you could hang them on the trees outside her house like Xmas decorations; send one item back every day just to torment her (extra points for clever gift wrapping); send them to her best friend, mother, or current boyfriend; or sell them all and donate the money in her name to a cause she hates (make sure they send her a thank you).
So the vibe I’m getting is that “send it back” is the wrong thing to do.
I can see where that makes sense.
I’m beginning to lean toward “receive, throw away, give no indication.”
I don’t want to open it. There’s some intensely personal stuff in there that would hurt me to look at. And what could be in there that’s not a returned item that I could want?
A letter? Sorry, if you want to have a no-response forum for your rationalizations, you’re not going to do it at my expense.
A gift? There’s nothing she could give me that could fix this.
When I was in a similiar situation I decided to take the “indifference” route. Wasn’t really feeling indifferent yet, but that was my goal, so I ditched my idea of burning it all in a ceremonial cleansing ritual.
He had left a paper bag with all the stuff I had given him on my front door step. I took the bag, didn’t look in it, and put it in the back of my closest. When months later I found the bag while looking for something else, I realized I hadn’t thought about the bag, or him, for weeks. I had met someone new, had some new fun hobbies, had completely moved on.
I felt no pain at all when going through the stuff. I had a vague memory of once caring about that bag, but that was it. I found a couple of books I thought a friend who was interested in the same subject matter might enjoy, took those out, and the rest went very unceremoniously in the waste basket. A few days later when the waste basket was full, it was taken out to the dumpster. That was it.
Years later I ran into the guy, he asked if I still had the pretty champagne glasses we had bought together to celebrate a special occasion. I was quite pleased to say, “no, I had put all that stuff in the back of my closet and forgot about it. One day while I was cleaning up I found it and gave a couple of things to friends, and just dumped the rest.”
I knew then I had done the right thing. I would have hated to admit I had done anything “dramatic” with the stuff.
It is an old cliche I know, but time does heal all wounds. Time will heal yours too. My advice would be to just put the box out of sight, work on the other cliche of “living well is the best rest revenge.” (or something like that) Concentrate on filling that void with lots of new fun things and time will take care of the rest.
I’m with the idea of giving the stuff to Goodwill. That way, if there is something valuable in there, someone benefits. Poor people like nice stuff, too, and sometimes don’t have the opportunities (read: cash) to buy things new.
You wouldn’t necessarily have to open the box, either. I’ve dropped stuff at the Salvation Army thrift store here and they never ask for a name. You could just blacken yours (and hers, at your discretion) in case she packs a nice gift like a dead rat or something. (I don’t know anything about your former relationship, so please don’t take offense.)
I side with MaddyStrut with two small changes. Make the charity something you like (and some cause the ex doesn’t like, of course); and make the donation in your name, so that you get the receipt for the tax deduction.
Why throw away perfectly good stuff? It’s not like it’s gonna hurt her feelings or anything, she won’t know you trashed it and wouldn’t care even if she did. I say do something good and donate it to your local Goodwill or a battered women’s shelter. Lots of folks can enjoy those CDs, wear those t-shirts, or let their kids destroy those expensive European trinkets.
Put the photos in a smaller box to be unceremoniously abandoned in your parents’ basement or garage (your kids will want to see what you looked like as a young dork, then take everything else in the box and wander through the city, offering things to strangers.
“T-shirts, T-shirts, who wants a slightly worn t-shirt given to a former flame?”
When box is empty, bring to nearest bridge (hopefully not the Brooklyn), set it on fire (this may take a while, given the weather) and drop it off the side.