For those of you who purchase cosmetics – please, a few tips:
1. Red lipstick is not pigmented with cow’s blood. When I correct this misassumption for you, please refrain from rolling your eyes, or looking pityingly at me, your entire demeanor saying “She just hasn’t discovered the conspiracy yet.”
There is no conspiracy. No company uses cow blood as a pigment. They probably used FDC Red #3, seeing as how it’s much less expensive and easier to obtain.
Really. I’m not shitting you here.
2. When you ask me to help you select a foundation, I’m obliged to select one that I think will look good on you.
You are fish-belly white (I can empathize, as I too am fish-belly white), and you have acne prone skin. I can tell this because you are pale and have acne. This doesn’t make you a bad person; it just means that a tan colored foundation for a “Normal” skin is just not going to work for you, irrespective of how “Cheap” it is. It’s going to make you break out worse, and look like you’re wearing a kabuki mask.
Also, when I select a different product from the same brand that’s a more appropriate color and formulation for your skin, that also happens to be $1 more expensive than what you’ve chosen, it’s not because I’m trying to scam you. It’s because it’s a better product for your coloring and skin type. Furthermore, choosing a “tan” color foundation will not make you look tan. It will look nasty and gross. No matter how many different ways you ask the question, I will not change my answer. Tan foundation on a fish-belly white person looks bad. Also, when I suggest getting a foundation in your color and using a bronzer to add a sun-kissed glow, don’t sneer at me about “How expensive” that’s going to be. Look, it’s the middle of winter – you can probably get away without the bronzer until spring and until then you can save your pennies until you have the $6 a bronzer costs.
I will never say that tan foundation for a normal skin is a good choice for you, regardless of your outraged indignation.
3. If you have done 27 processes on your hair in the past month including highlighting, cool-aid, permanent wave, and some sort of weird sparkle thing, most recently applied last night, and you ask me which bleach you can use that wont “Fry” your hair, guess what – I can’t help you. ALL of the bleaches will fry your hair.
Further, when I tell you that I can’t recommend a bleach type product for you because there is a distinct possibility that your hair will either break or fall out should you choose to use one, it’s not because I don’t like you, or I’m trying to be mean. It’s because I don’t want you to come back in 2 days with big chunks of hair missing, or a really unfortunate color on your head.
Yes, this means that I “Really don’t want the sale.” This is because crying teenagers are really not my thing. Suggesting that you allow your hair to calm down for a few weeks is not the “Most heinous injustice in the world”, it’s a practical piece of advice.
4. Finally, for those of you who really, really want me to do a cartilage piercing with the piercing gun – piss off. Whining, wailing and whinging will not change my mind. We won’t do it. This is because the gun shatters the cartilage, which can lead to a big, disgusting, nasty infection. Look – I have a whole binder full of disgusting pictures to dissuade people such as you.
I don’t care if 3 of your friends got it done at Claire’s and had no problem. This is not Claire’s, and we will not do it.
Mom’s – be advised, you stepping up and demanding that we do it “Or else,” makes you and idiot. I am advising your daughter not to have a procedure that can be hazardous to her health. I don’t give a flying rat crap if it was supposed to be her “Birthday Present”. Fine – take her to a professional piercer who will do it with a needle. Yes, it is going to be more expensive. Tough shit.
Frankly, it’s a matter of store liability. No one at my establishment is interested in getting sued because 60% of your daughter’s ear had to be amputated.
All other inquiries are welcome.
Your humble cosmetician.