http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/2940235.stm
An American is extolling the virtues of American democracy to a Russian:
“In this country we are free to say whatever we like! I can stand on the steps of the US Capitol and shout ‘The President is a bum!’”
“That’s nothing special”, replies the Russian, “In Moscow, I, too, can stand on the steps of the Kremlin and shout ‘The American President is a bum!’”
"If the Russians were to take over Saudi Arabia, in two years there would be a shortage of sand. Which would be blamed on American millionaires building swimming pools.
Breshnev is making a speech about the Russians achievements in space. Why, in a few short years, Russians would be able to travel to the Moon! To Venus! To Mars!"
A man named Rabinovich puts up his hand and asks “When will we be able to travel to Vienna?”
A few weeks later, Breshnev is making the same speech to another audiance. At the same point in the speech, a woman puts up her hand. “I know, I know”, says Breshnev, “you want to know when we can travel to Vienna.”
“No”, says the woman, “I want to know what happened to my husband, Rabinovich.”
The moon sees Sputnik circling the earth and asks “Why do you go so fast? I only go around the earth once a month, and you go around every 90 minutes!”
Sputnik replies “Yes, but you’re not trying to get away from the Russians!”
What’s the difference between capitalism and communism?
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, the roles are reversed.
Breshnev is showing his mother around, pointing out all of the luxuries his high office has earned him: his car, his servants, his dacha in the woods, etc. He says “Isn’t it wonderful, Mama? Your son has done very well for himself!”
His mother looks around and says, “It is all very beautiful. But Leonid, whatever will you do if the Communists come back?”
A few I recall:
- The two main Soviet newspapers were Pravda (which means “truth” in Russian) and Izvestia (which means “news” in Russian).
Cynical Muscovites used to say “There’s no Pravda in Izvestia, and there’s no Izvestia in Pravda.”
- Leonid Brezhnev challenged Richard Nixon to a footrace, hoping to prove the superiority of the New Soviet Man. Invigorated by his cottage cheese & ketchup diet, Nixon beat him in the race handily.
The followng day, the race was reported in Pravda, which said, “Yesterday, our beloved Chairman Brezhnev engaged in a race with the evil capitalist dog Richard Nixon. Our chairman finished a strong second. Nixon finished next to last.”
Ooh, I got one…
Khrushchev and his wife were returning from a visit to East Germany on the train. Mrs. K asked her husband if they were back in Russia yet, and he replied, “Let me check.” He stuck his hand out the window for a few seconds, then said “No.”
A couple of hours she asked again, and the same thing happened. He stuck out his hand, then said “Not yet.”
A third time she asked, so he stuck his hand out the window again. This time, he smiled and said “Yes, we’re back in Russia now.” Amazed at his ability to tell his location by sticking his hand out the window, she asked him, “How did you do that?”
“Simple,” he said, “the first time I stuck my hand out, somebody kissed it, so I knew we were still in East Germany. The second time, somebody spit on my hand, so I knew we were in Poland. And the third time I put my hand out, someone stole my watch, so I knew we were in Russia.”
Three Russians in a prison cell.
One says “I’m here because I was accused of plotting with Ivanovich.”
The second says “I was accused of plotting against Ivanovich.”
The third says, “I’m Ivanovich”.
Also see this thread: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=36118
Two Russians are talking.
The first one says, “Comrade, what do you think of our country?”
The second one, trying to be coy, says, “I think the same as you do, Comrade.”
Says the first one, “In that case, Comrade, I’m going to have to arrest you.”
Election Time
Three men find themselves thrown together in a basement cell below the KGB building. One asks another, “What are you here for?”
The second man replies, “I voted for Podgorny.”
The second man then asks the first in return, “And what are you here for?”
The first man replies, “I voted against Podgorny.”
They both turn to the third man and ask him, “Well comrade, why are you here?”
The third man replies;
“I am Podgorny.”
The Party Line
Waiting in line was a way of life in the Soviet Union. There were people whose entire profession boiled down to waiting in line for other people. They never charged money for their services. More important was getting a share of rations the person who hired them was to receive.
After waiting for hours without the line moving a millimeter, one man standing in it became increasingly agitated. After another hour passed without any progress he finally drew out from underneath his coat a huge pistol and loudly claimed, “I’ve had enough of this! I’m going to shoot the Prime Minister!”
Telling the man next to him to hold his place, he stalked off in a huff.
An hour later the man carrying the gun appeared and resumed his position in line. The comrade who had held his place for him no longer could bear the suspense and asked the man with the pistol, “So, did you shoot the prime minister?” The man with the gun replied;
“No! There was a line for that too!”
In the personals section:
Communist with knife and fork seeks capitalist with steak dinner.
Everyone Loves a Parade
Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Napoleon were standing on a Kremlin balcony watching the May Day parade pass on the street below. Alexander looked down at the tanks and exclaimed, “With chariots like those, I could have conquered all of Asia!”
Caesar gazed longingly at the rocket launchers saying, “And with fire arrows like those Rome would still rule today!”
Napoleon pointed towards a Tass newspaper rack and commented, “And if I only had that, no one would ever have found out about Waterloo!”
Special Charges
And my personal favorite of all time is this form of ‘Satellite Humor.’ The Soviet occupied Warsaw pact nations had their own brand of grim humor and a distinct hatred for the Politburo’s antics in Moscow.
Ronald Reagan is in Moscow visiting Leonid Brezhnev at the Kremlin. Just as Reagan enters Brezhnev’s office a serviceman leaves carrying a toolbox. Reagan looks in and notices that Brezhnev is taking notes while talking into the most extraordinary telephone he has ever seen. Connected to it are optical fibers, dipole antenna hook-ups, BNC terminations, microphone leads, ribbon wires and multi-pin computer cables. Curious beyond measure, Reagan gestures towards the exotic phone, lowers his voice and asks Leonid what the special telecom rig is for.
Brezhnev cups his hand over the handset’s mouthpiece and quickly tells Reagan, “This phone connects me with Stalin, Marx and Lenin! I’m getting all sorts of incredible advice from the founding fathers of Communism!” and returns to his note taking.
Reagan quickly replies that he needs to go wash his hands and leaves Leonid in his office. Running down the hallway, Reagan catches up with the service man and asks him, “How much does it cost Brezhnev to operate that thing?” The installation guy replies, “About $40.[sup]00[/sup] a month.” Reagan replies, "I’ll give you a thousand dollars to install one of those phones in the Oval Office. The service man agrees to this and Reagan flies him to Washington DC on Air Force One to do the installation.
After a month goes by with Reagan furiously taking notes on the inner workings of the Soviet Union, the phone bill arrives. Reagan’s jaw drops when he sees the bill is for $10,000.[sup]00[/sup]. Jumping back onto Air Force One, Reagan flies to Moscow and finds the guy who installed the telephone for him.
Reagan shouts, “You told me that Brezhnev only pays $40.[sup]00[/sup] a month for his phone. Look at the bill! It’s for $10,000.[sup]00[/sup]! What’s going on here?”
The service man wearily replies, “You don’t get it do you? Stalin, Marx, Lenin … they’re all dead and rotting in Hell.” Reagan says, “So what about it?” The guy replies;
“You’re long distance. Moscow gets the local rates.”
THANK YOU FOLKS, I’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.
Worker’s summary of communism: “We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us.”
Question "“Where will the USSR be in the year 2000 ?”
Answer : “We’re not sure. But everything will be quiet on the Sino-Finnish front”
Repeating from the other thread:
Stalin was having a cabinet meeting and he was going over the minutes when someone gave a loud sneeze.
Instantly, he looked, up, frowning, and said, very deeply,
“WHO SNEEZED?”
No one would raise their hand. So Stalin motioned to the KGB officers and had all of the first row taken out and shot.
Again, Stalin looked up and said, “WHO SNEEZED?”
Again, no one answers, so, Stalin has the KGB take the second row out to be shot.
And then, STalin looks up and says, “WHO SNEEZED?”
And again, no one answers, so the KGB takes the third row out and has them shot.
Now, STalin’s pissed. “WHO SNEEZED!”
By now, the sneezer is all sweating and nervous and leaps out of his seat yelling, “I sneezed, Comrade Stalin! I sneezed!”
And Stalin nods, and says, “God Bless You, now continue with meeting.”
In Soviet Russia, joke tells YOU!!!
d&r
Does anybody have any from the other side? I can see how the Russians (for want of a better word) would have had a tendency to black humour, and I can see how the sattelite states would have focussed on Russia, but surely there must be some cold war jokes with “… and the American says…” as a punchline.
Well, it’s not a joke, but a friend of mine was in a Russian hospital about 15 years ago and saw a poster on the wall. It was a civil defense poster describing how to protect oneself against nuclear attack by the United States.
Duck and cover in Russian, I guess!
You know what the difference between a Russian ruble and a US dollar is?
About a dollar…
A man walks into his local Lada garage in Moscow and asks to buy a car.
“No problem” says the sales assistant and goes off to get the necessary paper work. “Of course, there’s a waiting list”, he says on his return, “we can deliver it to you in twenty years”.
“Can you come in the morning”, the man says.
“What differernce does it make”, says the sales assistant, “it’s in twenty years time”.
“The plumber is coming in the morning”.