Effing priceless. You’d think theatre people would have heard about Brandon Lee. You’d think they’d get a weapons master. You’d think… but apparently they wouldn’t!
I probably should have. I don’t think the director has ever directed on this scale before. He’s one of those touchy-feely directors who wants to tell you to move when you feel it, and doesn’t appear to understand that the chorus is never going to just feel what to do (not that that’s a valid blocking strategy in my book in the first place, but that a whole ‘nother rant) – you have to just tell them where to stand and what to do, dammit! But getting back to my point, the director flat-out told me that if I didn’t do fight choreography for them, they weren’t getting anyone else to do it. (I had originally said I couldn’t because I’m not SAFD certified.) So I was kinda blackmailed – suffice it to say, I won’t be working with this director again. I had originally signed on when he asked me to help with lights because I had worked with him on a much smaller production and he was fine then – but a show of this magnitude has fried his intelligence chips.
And nepotism is biting this show in the ass – the director made his wife Stage Manager, and she has no idea how to do the job, with the result that there’s no clear division of duty for anybody and no chain of command to follow to assign stuff or pass on information – actors are going straight to the producer to complain about crap! And the two of them argue in front of the cast and crew all the time, which just blows my mind. First rule – the CO and XO present a united front for the crew at all times! Disagree only behind closed doors, morons! Watch a damn army movie! (Have I used up my “Aargh” quota for one thread? Aaaargh!)
“Yarble-headed yahoos”? That’s brilliant. I may have to steal that one. 
Keep guessing, JohnBckWLD
Wow, thanks!
My girlfriend works for Cornell’s theatre department, but all I’ve picked up in terms of lingo is that “striking the scenery” means you take it off stage after the play.
I do too listen! 
What about the Cracker Jacks? Did you get those back?
What was the prize? Probably some lame ass stickers.
Is it Angels In America?
I’ve seen Noises Off. Your OP was a lot funnier.
I take it that person must have a HUGE ass.
Teching a show- God, how I can sympathize, even though I’ve only done it on a high school level. Being a techie can be so stressful- I was head of costumes for a few shows, and thankfully one of the actresses and one of the girls on lights managed to talk me out of actually committing murder (not that I would have gone quite that far, anyway- I didn’t want to get blood on the costumes!), but I came pretty damn close. Incompetant tech directors are awful, as are all those primadonna actors (you know, I’ve done some acting, too, and I know I never had that attitude). I recommend having a punching bag near by.
RAGTIME? Didn’t win the Tony, dammit. TITANIC? Riots, yes, beatdown, not that I recall. TAKE ME OUT? Beatings yes, riots no. THE GOAT? Bestiality and goat slaughter, both offstage. ASSASSINS? More–lots more–than one gun.
Great story!
I’m guessing Ragtime. Many people forget it lost the Tony to The Lion King that year simply because it is a much better show (IMO). Even so, it did win other Tonys besides Best Musical- including Best Score, Best Book, and Best Actress so the OP may just be referring to that.
But yeah, great OP!
Ah, Hell Week. Made me glad that I was either in the chorus (and didn’t much care about stuff other than I got to sing and do character acting) or set painting.
Jenny, I’ve been fortunate enough to not have the problems you’re having with silly incompetent people in theater, but I HAVE had problems with silly stupid overdramatic fellow theater students.
At least yours are closer to your age, and have no excuse…
Anyway, hope things work out, and break a leg opening night!
It is Ragtime – I didn’t want to say earlier because that plus my location would leave too much of an internet trail, but now the prop gun issue has been resolved with the school, no one is going to jail, and I feel okay about revealing it. Whew!
However, the drama isn’t over, of course it’s not. This is one of those rare occasions where the production crew’s drama queening antics are actually overshadowing the offstage shenanigans of the cast. This weekend’s highlights:
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One of the main characters got stuck at the Metro station – he called to tell us where he was at 7:00. The DC metro. We are not in DC. We had to send the producer to pick him up and told curtain for him for 15 minutes. Oh, did I say we? I meant I held the damn show hostage because the house manager wouldn’t keep her headset on and kept trying to start the show since she didn’t know he wasn’t there, making the orchestra play the conductor’s introductory flourish three times, and then would get on headset just long enough to rant and rave at me that the lights hadn’t gone down, but not long enough for me to respond that we couldn’t go up yet. Argh!
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Another character jumped up on a chair and put his foot through it during the first dance number. Then he finished the number hopping, with the chair hanging from his leg, and big shit-eating grin on his face. Nothing really to bitch about here, but it was funny as hell.
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I had it out with one of the lead actors during Fight Call, because he couldn’t understand that when I told him he had to hit his mark in the fight, I meant it. He keeps missing it, and blames another actor for starting early (he isn’t). Finally the snooty actor told me he felt like his character wouldn’t walk so far :rolleyes: , and I told him he should have brought that up sooner, because we were not changing anything on a show night, and especially not fight choreography, dammit. He needed to Hit. His. Marks. End of conversation.
So I’m real popular now.
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I finally cracked, and totally lost my cool when a couple of the cast members re-blocked their duet without telling anyone, with the result that the light came up just in time for one character to walk right through her pool of light, and off into the dark to start singing. I check my cue, think “What the hell?” and switch the board over to manual to bring some light up on her, then reload the current cue with manual added for the next actor to come in – and he does the same damn thing. This is what really frosted by cookies – at that point it was clear the two of them had planned this out, and not told anyone, when they should have freaking known better. And I wind up looking like I’m the one who doesn’t know what I’m doing, because they have rehearsed this together. Meanwhile, the guy on the freaking slide projector was dressing me down over the headset channel for missing my cue! Die! Then I can’t save the changed cue without having to reboot the board, and I’m on pins and needles for the rest of the night, and keep switching over to manual after each cue and standing with fingers hovering over the submasters just in case. ARRGH!
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The stage manager redeemed herself slightly by mediating yesterday when the Stage Left crewrunner turned out to be a bitch on wheels. She’s been harping about me on headset all week, and started yelling at me for monopolizing the headset during the show when she missed a curtain cue on Sunday (I wasn’t talking at the time, by the way.) She has ten curtain cues. I am calling hundreds of light cues. SLBitch cannot understand that this means I will in fact be doing most of the talking on headset. She even accused me of sabotaging her curtain cue. She is a filthy cuntrag. So, how pleased was I when the SM called us both up after the show, and I was totally expecting her to yell at both of us, but instead she told the SLBitch that I was doing my job and she should shut up? Muah ha ha! Vengeance is mine!
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The OP was tremendously funny. . .
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. . .and I don’t doubt that you’re flailing in a sea of mouth breathers. . .
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. . .er, however. If the dialogue you offered was more or less verbatim (not embellished for comic effect, in other words), well, I have to ask, um. . . do you always talk to people like this?!
Like I said, I’m *sure *they deserved it.
But, like, yow.
A Stage Manager not calling cues? Is she doing anything other than sleeping with the director? What a joke. I feel for you - let us know how things go!
Gee, who’d’ve thought theatre would contain so much drama?