A freakin’ American

What’s so earth-shattering about Obama being a freakin’ American? I keep hearing how historic it is that we might elect a President who’s a freakin’ American, but AFAIK they’ve ALL been freakin’ Americans, haven’t they? That’s part of the rules, isn’t it?—candidates must be at least 35 years old, must part their hair without a comb-over and must be freakin Americans, so why is everyone so excited about Obama, like he’s the first freakin’ American ever nominated for President? What, like we’re going to go elect some Frenchman or something? Of course he’s a freakin’ American—why is everyone having such a cow?

Hi Emily, how are you doing tonight.

I think you mean “a frickin’ American”. It’s a very different thing.

Well, see, a lot of people are apparently misunderstanding. They think it’s something about him “getting his freak on”, as the young people say. So, you see a lot of head shaking and hear people saying “tsk, tsk, that’s no way for a nice young man to behave.”

And what’s this I keep hearing about all the violins on the streets of Iraq? Seems to me that would be a nice thing…

Well, as violins can be costly to replace, I’m glad to hear there’s a lot of Iraqi insurance available there, too.

I don’t understand why everyone’s complaining about all the Saxon violins on television. The violins made in Saxony in the 18th and 19th century are of particularly fine quality.

And what’s up with endangered feces?

Well, in most cases, I’m totally for supporting youth in Asia. I mean, c’mon! It’s a good cause!

[sub]I’m guilty of this one myself[/sub]

There’s something weird about people from Prague. I keep hearing stories about Czechs bouncing.

And what’s with those glow balls? I thought they were supposed to get warm; I don’t see why it’s such a bad thing.

What’s all this I hear about Warren’s eye rack?

Why all the clamor for whirled peas? Have you ever tried them? They’re disgusting and won’t stay on your knife, even with honey.

And another thing, so we don’t stray too far from the OP and Obama. Why does this guy spend so much time waxing elephants? Doesn’t he know that we have other problems to deal with than worrying about how shiny the pachyderms in India are?

Rick James was a super freaken’ American.

Apparently, you haven’t heard them play…

I’d rather have whirled peas than a whirled whore.

Well, at least we don’t have to worry about the presumptive nominee being crazy. I mean, you know his full name is Barack Who’s Sane Obama, right?

If ya wanna get pacific.

That’s nothing compared to Prague’s midget housing crisis. Seems that landlords are refusing to cache small Czechs.

And what about domestic violins? Sure, a ten-year old will drive you crazy with it, unless it’s one-a-them child proji…prodja…geenyusses. But do people really need to call the cops?