A Gentle Treatise Comprising Several Real, Yet Minor, Rantable Annoyances

The BBQ Pit
1

My friends, there are several issues which perturb me, which I would like to discuss forthwith. Please rest assured that, notwithstanding of verbal threats I may issue here, I have no intention of chopping the following breeds of cretins up for dog-food. I may, however, fantasize about it.

That said:

Cretin #1: When I am at a grocery store and my purchases are being rung up by the cashier, I often fil out the check in advance, so that when the total is divulged, I’ll only need to fill in the amount. This will certainly speed things up. My complaint is with either the gentleman or lady in line behind me who seems to harbor some vain hope of speeding up the process even more by inching up behind me closely enough that I can sense their smelly, fetid breath on my neck. I don’t appreciate it and I don’t like the idea that they’re looking as I write the check. I wish to say this to them with all possible respect and as calm a demeanor as possible: “Back off. Get away from me. You’re presumably a grown up and familiar with the concept of ‘personal space’. Live it, learn it, use it, lest my elbow ‘accidentally’ impact your midsection.”

Cretin #2: We have an elevator at work. When I ride it, I stand to one side before getting on so as to allow the people on the elevator to get off. I am cognizant of the fact that I can’t ride until they’ve exited. Therefore, to my fellow would-be passengers who are standing directly in front of the elevator: You’re forcing a standoff between your own lumpy body and the people trying to exit. Don’t you see that it would be far faster if you let them off before you try to get on? Also, when I’m trying to exit the elevator, same thing applies: “Back off! Get outta my way. Shoo!”

Cretin #3: We’ve discussed this before, and yet it’s still worth mentioning again: If you’re wearing so much perfume/cologne/stinky-stuff that my eyes are bleeding from the smell, or so much that I can follow your trail like a bloodhound (not that I would), “YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH. Here’s a hint…aftershave/perfume is not a universally admired lifestyle choice. A rule of thumb. If people are gagging and dropping like DDT’d flies around you, you’re probably wearing too much!”

Cretin #4: Madame, this is a nice, quiet restaurant. Or it was, until you and your female friend walked in. (You might have noticed that this wasn’t a McDonald’s. Your first clue is that the food wasn’t wrapped in paper.) Therefore, keep your voice down. I really don’t want to hear your uneducated opinions of art ("<whatshisname from the X-Files> is really a hunk, ain’t he <shrieks:>EEEEEEEEEEE! He’s SOoooOoooOo cute!"?), science (“My astro-logger(sic) said that I’d be havin’ a good time tonight. <shrieks:>EEEEEEEEEEE! And I AM! That’s SOoOOOoo amazin’!”), politics (“I still say Al Gore’s hunkier than George Bush! But <shrieks:>EEEEEEEEE! Bush won anyway!”) and religion (“I swear to GAWD that this food is SOOOoOoOoOo GOOD! <shrieks:>EEEEEEEEE! Gawd damn if it isn’t!”). Please, if you must discuss your opinions, do so [sub]sotto voce[/sub].

All of these cretins lack basic courtesy and respect for others. Were I not such a gentle soul, and the most mild-mannered of men, I would have instructed them in the nature of good manners by applying a baseball bat around their head and neck. However, I refrain. With some effort, admittedly, but…

And to you Dopers, I appreciate the opportunity to let me air my grievances. Thank you and I bid you good day.

Fenris

2

I think a lot of the #4 variety LIKE being loud because they believe that the rest of us will feel envy and admiration when we overhear the details of their lives.

I submit, for your consideration, the family of mullets at the Toledo airport a few weeks ago. It consisted of a mom who looked like she’d been rode hard and put away wet, two daughters, one with husband/boyfriend in tow, and one surly son. They were having loud conversations about their destination (ooooOOOOooh! The Florida Keys! My my!) and whether Mom had gotten enough money out of her account and how they might have use their cell phone (Oooh! You have a cell phone!! Golly!) to call the bank when they get to the Keys (Ooooh, there it is again! Your destination! Wow!). This was all full of what I’m sure they judged were witty asides about Mom’s ex-husband. Lots of wolfish grins and glances around the waiting area to see what sort of reaction they were getting.

Look, folks, your trip to Florida may play real big at the Big Boy where you waitress, but notice that now we’re here in an airport. Everyone here is traveling. Most of them have travelled before, something I doubt is true in your case. No one is all that impressed or interested. And a cell phone is no longer a novelty item. Most of us have seen one. It’s not a badge of importance or affluence. It’s just a phone.

But to get back to the heart of the issue, I don’t care what you talk about. Just don’t talk about it so loudly. This is not the Jerry Springer show. People don’t WANT to know the details of your life.

Thank you, Fenris, for allowing me to get that off my chest.

3

Well. That has to be the most genteel rant I’ve ever seen and you are a much nicer person than I.

I glare at people looking over my shoulder. I even do this at home. I hate that.

I “accidently” run into people blocking my way off an elevator.

I have been known to ask in a louder than usual voice “What is that smell?” when someone has attempted to drown themselves in perfume/aftershave.

I politely complain to the waitstaff at nice resturants about thoughtlessly rude people. Usually the manager is on his way to speak with the offenders by the time I do this. At the very least, the staff seems to band together to get them quickly out of the establishment. The get big tips from me when they do.

4

Fenris, I just want to applaud and commend you on your correct use of the word comprise. 99.99% of the professors and Ph.D.'s whose books I copyedit never get it right.

Carry on!

5

I generally can’t stand people who write checks at the grocery. “Oh let’s all wait ten minutes while Mr. I-don’t-carry-cash gets his check approved for his Lean Cuisine and Ramen noodles.”

My god, it’s like $4.99! What’s wrong with carrying a little cash, you freaking weasel?

The only people worse are those people that suddenly whip out a great big stack of coupons, or start arguing about the price “No, it’s not $1.39, it’s $1.19!” Then we all get to stand around while some pimply faced clerk saunters off to do a price check, and the light above the register blinks like a lighthouse warning all shoppers that the line is stalled, and those waiting helplessly lost for all time.

I get my revenge by creeping right up behind these people and crowding their personal space, while sighing loudly, and breathing down their neck.
(You are of course exempted if you have one of those instant approval cards, that doesn’t hold everybody up.)

6

Scylla: Just as an aside, I’m also annoyed by the “Let’s write a check for $4.99” types, especially those who don’t fill everything out in advance. In my case, the bill was for $90.00+, I filled everything out in advance, I have one of those instant approval cards, etc. so I can relax, knowing that I need not fear your wrath! :).

I also affirm and support your irritation with those people who quibble over pennies. My inclination is to hand them the pennies but I fear that I would be encouraging them.

Scarlett: Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t believe I used the word ‘comprise’. :wink: That said, you’ve piqued my curiosity…um…how does one misuse the word ‘comprise’?

Arden: Thank you for your kind response! I wanted to try a rant without a single swear word. It took effort, but I appear to have succeeded. :smiley:
BTW: I tend to do much the same things as you, but wanted to express my feelings verbally, here in this forum amidst friends.

Cranky: In the particular instance I mentioned (A otherwise wonderful Chinese resturaunt last Friday night), I don’t think the “They want to be heard” thesis applies. There was nothing remotely enviable about what this woman was shrieking about. It went so far as to have the woman saying something about “My shoes just started SQUEEKING today! EEEEEEE!”. In her case, I believe she was just a LOUD TALKER (and a shrieker). I’ve the variety of braggart that you wrote about and they tend not to be as squeal-y.

Fenris

7

Fenris:

I’m glad we clarified that point. There’s a thin line between the good and righteous check-writers, and their evil twin scum. I’m glad to see you are on the side of the angels in this.

8

You think having to listen to these sort of people is bad?? Try actually traveling with one of these yokels who’s never been off the farm. :rolleyes:

Last May, 4 people from our company were selected to go to a conference in Seattle (I live in northeastern PA). Just to give you an example of the overwhelming idiocy of the people I had to travel with, I will relate this story:

Our flight home was scheduled to leave at 6:30 am. The previous 4 or 5 days, there had been severe thunderstorms (this is May, remember) all over the eastern US, thereby turning all airline flight schedules into a complete clusterfuck. Flights were delayed. Flights were canceled. People were stranded at airports for days. The worst of the storms had passed by the time we were scheduled to leave, but flights were still not all completely back in order.

We walk up to the ticket counter at 5:30 am (honoring the dutiful 1 hour in advance check-in), and I hand the clerk my ticket. She says “Oh, that flight was eliminated due to the east coast thunderstorms…we’ll have to put you on Flight XXX which will leave at 1:30 pm.” One of the women in our group overhears this, marches up to the counter where I’m calmly waiting for my ticket and itinerary to be reissued, and yells “I CAN’T BELIEVE THE FLIGHT WAS CANCELED AND NO ONE CALLED US!!” Ummmmm…sure. Because Delta makes it a point to keep track of exactly where its customers are at all times…they obviously knew we were all staying at the Hotel XYZ in downtown Seattle and should have leapt to the phones as soon as our flight was moved. Right.

[sub]Slithering to the floor and trying to crawl under the nearest heavy object in abject humiliation…[/sub]

The clerk simply looked at her with a faint smirk, turned back to me and finished processing my ticket.

God save me from ever having to travel with morons of that caliber again. [sub]Sigh…[/sub]

9

…check your thread title. :wink:

10

D’oh!!

Fenris

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Jadis, our buddy Fenris is just being snarky – the word he used was comprising, not comprise. Touché, Fenris.

As for how it’s misused: The correct rule is, “The whole comprises the parts, and the parts compose the whole.” Most people get it backwards. The U.S. Supreme Court comprises nine justices. The Court is not comprised of nine justices; neither do the justices comprise the Court.

Scarlett, who loves her debit card and can’t remember the last time she wrote a check in public

12

Or not! “D’oh!” indeed. :wink:

13

But Ralph Nader is the hunkiest squeal

Actually, I’d like to use this thread to compain about something mind-numbingly minor, too–my roommate and I have a water filter and a fridge. We also have a sink in our room that gives off generally vile and always really hot water, so the water filter is a great asset to our room. BUT I ALWAYS HAVE TO FUCKING FILL IT UP!! Even when my roommate is the last person to use it, even when she totally empties it out, she’ll put it back in the fridge, empty. And yesterday, she took it out after she emptiing it two hours before, commented, “Oh–there’s no water in it,” and then PUT IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE!!! Fucking A!!! Would it really have fucking killed her to fill it up? Yes, I know it’s a complicated process, what with it not fitting under the faucet. It takes almost a full TWO AND A HALF MINUTES to transfer water from a glass into the filter.
And the worst is when she pours five galloons of water to keep by her bed at night, so when I get up all dry-mouthed in the morning, hardcore in the mood for some cold, non-vile water, all I get is the .000000000004 molecules left in the filter, and am forced to have the microbe-ridde, steaming hot sink water.
I’ve even mentioned this to her, commenting politely, “Could you fill up the filter when there’s only an inch or so left in it?” And she said, “Okay.” BUT SHE HAS YET TO DO THAT! Is this really so much fucking trouble? Am I excepting too much? Is it not enough that I’m the only one of use who cleans the sink and vacuums, even when it’s your friends coming into town?

14

Once again it would seem I’m one of the few total dipsticks potential advertisers could reach if only they’d hock their wares on the Straight Dope. Scarlett67, does this mean that there is no correct use for the phrase is comprised of?

ObRant: let’s go back to the supermarket. How hard is it to move your shopping cart to one side of the aisle when you’ve stopped to mull over the selections available on the shelf, instead of leaving it the very middle? And at an angle to boot? Where I shop this is, apparently, most difficult: even harder than returning the cart to one of the designated areas in the parking lot once its been unloaded.

15

I admit being the tightest skinflint ever, so you’re damn fucking right I am going to quibble about pennies. The systematic rip-off of consumers this way chaps my ass but good. HOWEVER, I never take it up with the clerk. I let him/her check me out, then I go to the service desk (sometimes going back to get the price marker from the shelf as proof first). In Michigan, you get a “scanner award” for catching stuff like this. You get something like 10 X the price difference, up to a set amount (like $5 max–can’t recall specifics). It provides substantial disincentive for retailers to rip people off…but only if people like me are persnickety hardasses about it. The checker can’t give you the award, AFAIK, so you may as well go to the service desk anyway. Doesn’t piss off all those who are waiting. Incidentally, however, they ought to be pissed at the store WHO MADE THE ERROR, not the consumer sharp enough to notice. Who’s fault is it, really, in this case? The guy in line might be saving YOU money next time, by preventing errors on something you’re buying.

But then, this IS the pit, so never mind. You can rant against the undeserving.

As a side note, Jadis, Delta did try to call me last time a flight was cancelled! Go figure. So did Northwest, the last time they cancelled a flight. They just didn’t reach me because I’d left my home number, not the hotel number, as a contact. Rather than expect this service, I was shocked as hell. Maybe that’s the hallmark of being an experienced traveller–good customer service is a shocker, and you wouldn’t think about hollering and fussing when you don’t get it.

16

A gentle rant indeed, Fenris.

What is it about cretins that makes them act the same way pretty much everywhere? I’ve met your Cretin No. 2, for example, in subway stations, pushing their way into trains before the passengers trying to exit have the chance to. A table full of Cretin No. 4s was behind my wife and I at a little local restaurant the other day. And I used to work for Cretin No. 3.

I’ll add another type of supermarket annoyance: the person who, after selecting their purchases, is standing in the checkout line. It suddenly occurs to them, usually when the clerk is checking their purchases through, that they have forgotten something. They dash off to get it, while the clerk has to wait for them to retrieve whatever it is they have forgotten from what seems like the farthest corner of the store. Oh, and those of us in line have to spend a little more time there than we thought we would.

An interesting variation that I’ve seem a few times concerns the two-person teams who work the ten-items-or-less express lines when the lines are long. One gets into the express line with one or two things while the other runs into the store and returns every so often with something else before heading back for more. By the time the line-stander is at the front of the line, he or she has 20 items, and the clerk has little choice but to check them all through. Again, it takes a little longer than those of us in line thought it would.

Neither type of supermarket annoyance above is anything more than an inconvenience and not worth a full-blown rant. But since these are annoyances and belong somewhere, they should probably be in a thread for gentle ranting, such as this.

Thanks you for starting such a thread, Fenris. And a good day to you too.

17

Cranky:

As Fenris is the righteos writer of checks, so too are you righteously pursuing the sacred price check. I rant not at thee.

I recall a time at Kmart where this guy in front of me was buying a gasoline powered power washer. It came up like $399.00, and he said it was on display for like $49.99. After the price check they explained that the socket wrenches next to the powere washer were $49.99, but he said the sign was under the power washer, so that’s the price he was gonna pay, and on and on and on.

Damn him to hell.

18

That is correct, descriptive dictionaries notwithstanding. I’ll be happy to provide cites privately or in another thread, so as not to usurp Fenris’s thread any further.

Grocery-aisle hoggers: Then there are the ones who put their cart to one side, but leave their hand on the cart while they reach across the aisle or stand there to look at the shelves on the other side. Grrrr.

19

I swear, one of the biggest fringe benefits to being evil must be being able to just abandon your cart in the parking lot. I am always tempted-I hate grocery shopping with a passion, and at the end of the trip this last-damn-thing drives me crazy. But I never do, because leaving your cart out to clog up parking spaces and dent cars is obviously evil. However, day after I give into the dark side, I’m a-going to Wal-Mart.

20

Hee hee! That reminded me of something I overheard while sitting in the Pittsburgh airport, waiting for a weather reroute.

On the other side of our row of seats was a prototypical (dare I say protohuman) loud family, of exactly this variety. And what was the alpha female blathering about? She had recently had the good fortune to consume, for the first time, a quantity of – say it with me now – “ruh-DISH-oh.” I listed to her for a few seconds, puzzled. She kept saying it over and over: “I’ve never had ruh-DISH-oh. I was amazed at how good the ruh-DISH-oh was! You’ve got to try ruh-DISH-oh…”

Eventually, I figured it out: radicchio.

A visualized – not physicalized – forehead smack resulted on my part. This woman is bragging loudly about how much she’s expanded her culinary repertoire, how sophisticated she has become in the gustatory arena, making sure she’s overheard by a waiting room populated by at least a few dozen experienced travelers – and she can’t be bothered to get the name of the vegetable right.

I sat there in mute fascination, waiting for her to start describing the wonders of arugula. Sadly for me, it never happened.