Jonathan Q Marley was dead to begin with. That much is fairly obvious. Marley keeled over dead after eating a White Castle slider right before a football game. When the paramedics arrived, he had already started to decompose. So the paramedics just called in his old partner Evan J Scrooge.
It had been a year since Marley’s demise, yet the sign on the door to their business still read “Scrooge And Marley Embalming”. That’s because Scrooge, being the cheapskate that he was, had never wanted to shell out the money to have it changed. And that was why he was still getting phone calls asking for Mr. Marley.
So it was that October morning that Mr. Scrooge was sitting in his office, playing Solitaire on his computer when the phone rang. He groaned and reached for the receiver. “Scrooge Embalming”.
“Good morning. Is Jon Marley in?”
“No. Mr. Marley is dead”
“Do you know when he will be back in?”
“Do you know what dead means?”
“Could you have him call me when he gets back?”
“Sure. Of course that will be quite a while.”
“Thank you sir”
Scrooge hung up and returned to his game. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. Scrooge minimized the Solitaire screen and called “Come in”.
The door opened and Scrooge’s nephew Federico entered. “Happy Halloween Uncle!”
“What’s so happy about it” Scrooge snapped. “All that I know about is that every morning after I have to wash shaving cream off my car and someone’s puke out of my driveway”.
“Aren’t we cheerful this morning Uncle? Anyway, the reason I came by was to invite you to the Halloween Costume Party Edna and I are having tonight.”
“Fie on Halloween and costume parties! Just a waste of time is all they are! If I wanted to see freaks I’d go to a Marilyn Manson concert!”
“Come on Uncle. It’s gonna be a lot of fun. We’ll have games and karaoke and apple bobbing!”
“No thank you. If I go I’ll have to listen to Uncle Ed caterwaul Michael Bolton tunes and get kissed by Brickley the German shepherd who’s reaching for the same apple as I am in the apple-bobbing contest. “
“You don’t know the fun you’re gonna miss Uncle Ev! Do what you want. But remember the door is open if you change your mind. Happy Halloween!”
“Bah humbug!”
A few minutes later, Scrooge’s assistant Bill Ratchet came in and said: “Excuse me Mr. Scrooge. I was wondering if I could have the afternoon off. I need to take my kid and pick up a few things for his Harry Potter costume for Halloween”.
“So you’ve been bitten by the Halloween bug too Ratchet? Sure go right ahead. You weren’t really getting anything done anyway. I saw you talking to Esmorelda on the phone sex line!”
“Oh thank you kind sir. Happy Halloween!”
“Bah humbug! I’m having that number blocked from your phone line and starting next week you will be receiving a pay cut!”
Scrooge turned back to the computer and finished his game of Solitaire. He then looked at his watch and realized that it was almost noon. He decided to head for the bar across the street for his daily three-martini lunch. As he crossed the street, a group of kids came rushing up to him.
“Trick or Treat,” they all yelled.
Scrooge reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of chewing gum that dated back to the Reagan administration and dropped it into the first kids bag. He then went on his way.
As he sat down at the bar, he noticed that the bar tender was not the usual guy. In fact, he looked very much like his old business partner. The bar tender walked over.
“Well good evening Ev old buddy!”
“Oh my god” Scrooge shouted. “Some prankster must have slipped a hallucinogen into my drink. I’ll find him and strangle him”
“No Ev, this is really I! I’m here to warn you of the evils of your ways”
“What evils?”
“You have no Halloween spirit. I saw what you did, the way you treated Ratchet and those poor kids on the street”
“Bah humbug. You yourself said Halloween was a childish fad”.
“And look where it got me. Every year on Halloween a group of vandals sneaks into the cemetery and smokes pot and dances on my grave while singing “Jammin”. They all talk about how some other Marley was a great musician and humanitarian and I was just some guy who ran an embalming shop”.
“But you didn’t run it Jon. You just played FreeCell on the computer all day. Why did you have to erase it off the computer and leave me stuck with Solitaire?”
“Because friend Ev. I was hoping you might lead the business into respectability. But it’s looking more like you’re driving it toward bust”.
“Hey it’s not my fault that more people aren’t interested in embalming. Most usually opt for cremation!”
Come with me Ev. Come with me and you will see into the future. Come with me and see Halloween yet to come”.
Scrooge followed Marley’s Ghost out into the street. They walked up the street to Scrooge’s house where a group of Trick Or Treaters had arrived. Scrooge watched as they rang his doorbell and yelled that famous greeting. He saw the door open and an old crotchety Scrooge stepped out on to the porch waving a shotgun. He saw the Trick Or Treaters react by pulling out shaving cream and spraying him with it. Later on, he saw them return with a group of drunks and ordering the drunks to relieve themselves in his yard. Scrooge couldn’t believe it. He turned to Marley’s ghost and said, “You are right. I will honor the spirit of Halloween in all its forms.”
Scrooge promptly awoke and found himself sitting on the barstool. He jumped up and said, “I must be going. Gotta get ready for Halloween”. He ran out into the street as the bar tender found himself wondering. “That’s odd. Scrooge is not the type to celebrate Halloween.”
Scrooge proceeded to rush toward the costume shop. Unfortunately, all the cool costumes were rented. So he decided to dress up Jim Nabors. He promptly set out for Federico and Edna’s Halloween party and knocked on the door.
The door opened and Federico was right there. “Well Happy Halloween. And who are you and what in the devil are you supposed to be?”
“It’s me Uncle Evan and I’m dressed up as Gomer Pyle”.
“I see Uncle. But you don’t have his Marine Uniform. So that’s not an official costume”
“So what does that mean”.
“It means that I cannot let you in since you are obviously an impostor”
“An impostor. Fred, this is me. It’s Uncle Ev!”
“It can’t be Uncle Ev. Uncle Ev said to me that Halloween was all hooey”.
At that very moment, Brickley the German shepherd ran out and bit Scrooge on the leg.
Feeling dejected, Scrooge decided to take a walk. He saw a lot of Trick Or Treaters including Ratchet and his son. They didn’t recognize him and it was perhaps best they didn’t. For Ratchet had had enough of Scrooge’s constant abuse of him and was planning revenge. However, Scrooge himself soon eradicated the need for revenge. When he was walking through a run-down neighborhood, he was stopped by a group of thugs wearing gang attire. One of them pulled out a real looking 44 magnum and ordered Scrooge to hand over his wallet. Scrooge responded with “Great costumes kids” and got a bullet in his chest for it. The thugs took his wallet and all his money and left him there.
When the police discovered Scrooge’s body, they were unable to identify it. So they decided to have it embalmed, complete with Gomer Pyle costume. So now he sits in a case in the Ratchet Halloween costume shop that works out of what used to be an embalming place that went bust not long after Halloween. And the spirit of Scrooge often watches the activates going on from his vantage point as sign leaner from the tavern across the street and thinks “If only I had gone with my first instinct. Bah Humbug on Halloween and Bah Humbug on ghosts that come to you after you drink three martinis and eat a ham on rye sandwich!”